To Da Doc I Say Hey!

Doc! 

A special wink and a nod to someone I think is ultra-real-cool-amazing. Her smile is etched within my imagination. Her friendship burns as a light I seek to attain. Her conversation I yearn to listen and appreciate up close. Her presence; a gift that's as easy to expain as saying thank you...

Real True Eye Candy..

Eye Candy 

Dont sleep on this for real true eye candy!! Artist; Kadir Nelson and Frank Morrison are the bomb!!! Whew!!

We be trippin but it was a nice weekend....

Weekend  

This past weekend was pretty cool... Life in LA is always a pleasure party for the eyes and observant minds like myself. I hungout at a birthday party Saturday night, which was real cool. I was blessed with plenty of hugs and some delicious finger foods. Met up with this fella that is super cool.. Turning out to be a good friend that I can chill with and not be bothered about jealousies or any kind of BS because the brotha is cool and sincere. He got himself together and still got a little street in him... He talks major shit but at the same time is blessed with a lot of wisdom about life. Sometimes I feel like I just met up with the real version of a couple of characters that I recently wrote stories about. Maybe that's why we hit it off so quickly; brought together by a mutual appreciation for real cool throwback jerseys and then we just hit it off like brothers. Funny thing though, we met maybe about two or three months ago and have hungout maybe five times but I still dont know his name. Next time I see him, I gotta get his name so I can properly dedicate a little space to him. He always greets me with "peace and love" and coming from his warm spirit you can always feel it... I'm blessed to meet that brotha...

Sunday was a fabulous time spent attending a wedding. A good friend of mine named Patrick got married to his beautiful bride. Patrick was beaming nervously in this small but very cool chapel on Wilshire Blvd in LA. I hadn't been to a wedding in probably ten years! It was nice to go to one for a change instead of witnessing folks breaking up... The bride was in tears and Patrick played it cool... It was nice...

After that, the reception was held at their new house in the valley. I had a prior commitment to take care of at the UCLA festival of books but when I was done I headed out to the reception. I was motivated to go for two reasons. To support Patrick on his special day and to also checkout this lady that I'd seen amongst the attendees. Whew.. the young lady was fine!!! BUT...she was with somebody so I couldn't do anything but appreciate from a far... That brings me to the point of this post and how all too often I see fellas mistreating their ladies. The ones that dont deserve an incredible woman seem to always have one by their side and this moment was no exception..

At the reception I got my food, chilled with some friends and by some odd moment of luck I ended up seated across from the beautiful young lady and her not so bright man. He tried to flex his strength I guess by telling her to shut up because she was supposedly asking him too many questions. Then he walked away. Beautiful saw my expression/reaction and said softly "crazy, huh?" I couldn't believe how dude was acting towards his lady. She asked me if I wanted to drink what I noticed her man was drinking but I declined. I told her I dont really drink that often. I said it in a cool way. I was trying to show her how she should be spoken to, with kindness, sincerity. She shouldn't be stabbed with angry words blurted out at her. She smiled and kind of exhaled. We looked at each other as if sharing a mental hug. Then her man returned. He must've picked up on the relaxed vibe so he introduced himself to me, offered me a drink and then tried to make conversation... It was interesting... it was fun.. This was a good weekend where my personal soundtrack included two favorite CD's that brought back memories of good times in LA when I wasn't always so in tuned and observant.. This weekend I was rockin to one of my all time favorite Reggae albums(which is what it was when I originally bought it but now I got it on CD) True Democracy by Steel Pulse.... Classic!!! And I was also enjoying Way Too Fonky by DJ Quik one of the best producers ever! I would love to have a CD of all his instrumental jams because his productions are amazing... Now it's Monday... time to get back into the grind.... As my man says... peace and love....

My Life Is All I Have

My Life- Leesha Annette Tyler 

This is my favorite street novel right here! *smile* Not only because I wrote it but also because it's a journey. I love stories that take you somewhere and in this one you truly go through a lot emotionally. There's something big happening in every chapter and you get to see this young woman's life play out over time; sparked by an idea that grips a hold of her consciousness and wont let go. It causes her to look back and figure out why she came to the decision which could change her life and other lives forever... Here's a very brief excerpt as Leesha looks back...

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All my life I wanted to be free. When I got old enough to have attitude, I defined my idea of freedom in very simple terms. I wanted to be a bitch, a princess, and a queen all rolled up into one. Young ladies ain’t supposed to be all hard. I keep hearing that if you living in modern times you gotta be able to stand up to all the shit being thrown your way on a daily basis. You can’t worry about being courteous or being a fuckin “lady.” Shit. I never once put in my list of dreams to become a part of the “in-crowd” and wear all that designer stuff. I can find just as good or better at the Slauson Swapmeet. I ain’t stupid. I know what to do with my damn money. I learned how to shop from my mama. It was about the only thing she taught me that was worth knowing.

I started realizing mama knew what she was talking about when I went to the mall one day, by myself. The only thing I could afford up in there was a t-shirt and maybe a cute little belt. That’s what I bought, too. I felt so bad. I’d see other girls from my school hanging out and acting up. They was fast and I was just getting started. Teenage boys stepped to them left and right. I sat down in the food court area and just watched the show. I learned a lot from watching. I liked the idea that females could have so much control. That’s what I saw when I watched those girls from school. They had control over any male that tried to talk to them. That is, if they knew what control was all about. I noticed most of the girls just collected names until they found themselves face to face with the most popular boys in school. Even though I wasn’t a part of any clique, I took notes until it was my time.
Copr. 2005
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I'm A Man Havin' Fun!

I'm silly... 

I might be silly for the picture but I sho is havin fun! *smile* Today I got inspired not in my usual way ie. writing or creating something visual. Nah, my stomach got inspired to tell me it craved some Sara Lee Chocolate Dream Pie... Oooh is it delicious and cold! Just perfect for a hot day in Cali! Yessssssss!

Thing is, I can't just go to the store, get my stuff and go home, I gotta be blessed with an unexpected moment.. Something that causes me to pause and say "humph, I may need to blog about this." Ya know, blogging is like suspending your thoughts in time so that you dont have to carry it with you as you continue on with your life...lol.. Well, I'm gonna look at it in that way.

Anyway, I went to the grocery store to get what I craved for. I remembered that I also needed some honey mustard for a future recipe that I wanted to throw together. So as I'm walking up and down, aisle after aisle I come across this one aisle that along with juices and other good stuff, stood this gorgeous mahogany sistah looking incredible. I wasn't gonna walk down that way at first but when I saw her silhouette I said "whoa!" I didn't say that out loud because I am a gentleman but I thought about it. Instead, I played it cool and nonchalant. I eased my way toward her not really planning to strike up a conversation but more so just hoping for a smile and a hello. Hmmm.. what did I get? An angry glare! Arrrgh!! And I got this look as if she's sending me a message that reads "dont even think about approaching me!" lol...

I kept walking and eventually found my honey mustard. When I turned to head toward the checkout stand, Mahogany was there in my way or I was in hers. We danced for about two or three steps trying to figure out who was going what way. The confusion sparked a reaction from her. She started laughing. She dropped something. I picked it up. It was some frozen egg rolls. I handed the package to her and she smiled. It appeared she'd dropped her angry glare or perhaps that was her guard. It was gone for the moment.

"Thank you" she said.

"You welcome..."

I didn't know whatelse to say beyond that..lol.. I guess I dropped something too but nevertheless, I enjoyed the moment. I told her to take care and I went on my way. I saw her again as I was pulling out of my parking space and she was exiting the store. I waved. She smiled and walked to her car. That young lady had a helluva walk too! Whew....

Now, here I sit blogging, eating my chocolate dream pie and listening to Trillville but not by choice! lol.. This is about the 50th time in the last two hours that the song is playing on the radio... This was fun.. I figured I'd throw in some personal experience on the blog after sharing a few excerpts from stories that got me crazy excited right now. *smile* Peace....

The Greatest Journey You Ain't Even Read Yet!

Zenobia 

I've got two very special stories that should be out very soon. One is a contemporary thang aka a "street" novel called My Life Is All I Have and the other is what I'd like to share once again right here. It's my masterpiece called "Until Again." It's part contemporary and part slave narrative. This little bit is taken from the slave narrative part. Until Again is such a powerful journey that takes you to so many places, emotionally, visually, etc etc... This story will be devoured once it gets out there *smile* but for now I'd like to wet your appetite just a little with this excerpt... In it you will see when a young man(Jalen) comes to give Zenobia the news that her man(Cudie) has died.

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Jalen’s voice grow silent and he look away. He try to talk bout something else like he afraid.

“Sho is hot, ain’t it? You remember when you come out of them woods that time?” he say all fidgety like.

“Jalen, what about Cudie?”

“Well, Miss Hattie say I should just give you this letter, first. This here what Cudie wrote to you a few days before his wounds get the best of him…”

“Cudie dead?”

“Yes ma’am. He take ill after those men beat him. Miss Hattie try to tend to all his wounds but he come down with some kind of fever that just don’t let up. Maybe he know what gonna happen so he have Miss Hattie bring him something he could write on. I finds a paper sack in the barn and tear a piece of it to give to Cudie. This what I bring to you…”

Jalen place what Cudie write to me beside him. He stand up and walk to the door. He say, “I best go cause I sure ain’t mean to bring you so much grief. Miss Hattie say she sorry and Eula waiting for you…I best go now…”

Jalen walk out the door and leave me to my silence. My heart feel like it’s no longer beating. I look down at the piece of paper sack and see Cudie’s writing. I could tell it’s his. I know how proud it made him to be able to write something and then read it back. I wish he was here now, reading to me cause I know his words come from his heart.

I sit down beside the letter but I don’t pick it up just yet. I look down and notice my name, written by Cudie as best he could. He ain’t write it out all the way so he just begin the letter with “Zenob.” I smile and then I picks up the letter. Just below my name, it reads:

This here letter so hard for me to write... I very sickly and can’t think too well. One thing for sure that ain’t hard for me to say is that I love you with all my heart. I ain’t sure we see each other again, at least not alive but I believe we find each other somewhere. Zenob, you always say dem words I like to hear and I believes in my heart that God make that happen. I prays when you get this letter, you say dem words again and when we find each other with no Massa to fool with and no more being a slave, we gonna jump dat broom into a life we shoulda had now… I’ma rest for now and I know you go’n be the best mammy, any chile ever know’d…

Cudie

I continued to read Cudie’s words over and over until my heart can’t take it no longer. Tears drip from my eyes to the piece of paper. Some of the words mess up behind the wetness and me trying to wipe it off. All I can think of is that Cudie be dead now but I try my best to do as he would want. I have to be strong and take care of my child. When I’m able to, I go see Eula but for now all I can do is picture Cudie and the last time I seen his handsome smile. I clutch my heart and speak so that he can hear me say his favorite words, “until again, Cudie, until again…” And then I close up the letter, never to read it, ever again. I place it with the one I’ve been holding on to, to give to Eula. I have to be strong for my child and for myself. I can’t think bout Cudie no more. I gots to worry bout myself.

Though I tries hard to believe that what I learn bout Cudie just the same as any other bad news, I find myself unable to stand. I becomes a little weary so I lay myself on the cold hard pallet and begin to release all the tears that’s been fighting to leave my closed eyes. I guess I love Cudie more than I ever realized. I feel my spirit wanting to give up but I know I can’t. My saddened heart make my body feel so worn down. Like something heavy, pulling me that way. I wants to just sleep forever.
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For Your Eyes In August

Coming In August 

Coming out in August is a very special anthology that I feel extremely blessed to be a part of. I can't wait to see it out there and to hopefully receive a couple or so reactions...*smile* I think the story will definitely move a few folks and perhaps leave them thinking about L-O-V-E and the way we respond to it in today's times. We always talk about life being so short so I constantly wonder why we take the best most meaningful part of it for granted? Or worse yet, we fear it.(Love)

Take a peek at some dialogue from my upcoming story, Love Is To Blame. It's one of three novellas featured in this anthology, "Love Is Never Painless." This excerpt shows the main male character(Malcolm) writing in his journal.

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“I wanna be in a situation where we can talk about life and feel understood. That beautiful kind of vibe where smiles coincide with fond memories of what used to be or could become… No blank stares following that overused familiar exclamation point of; you know what I’m saying? We can talk until the wee hours of the morning, only stopping every once in a while for passionate lovemaking. We’d understand the true importance of getting to know each other. I wanna be able to say things that go beyond love. It’s a beautiful feeling to say I love you more, but after the passion has subsided, I want to continue feeling proud of the person that I’ve come to truly know. And within that pride, I imagine there would always be some sort of motivation to keep the passion simmering and the effort would always be mutual. That last word should be underlined in everyone’s consciousness. Mutual…”

Malcolm sighed and looked over what he’d just written. His heart was pouring out on the pages of his journal as he recalled how he used to think before his experience with Shaylisa. It seems so foreign to him now to actually believe that love was possible or that trust could be fact, rather than fiction. A woman actually giving and not just taking from the relationship? Malcolm shook his head in disbelief as he returned to writing in his journal. His thoughts seemed to take on a more doubtful perspective. Malcolm wrote…

“Sometimes I wonder if I’ve taken the wrong route toward my recent discovery. For whatever reason, God took a while to turn the light bulb on and present to me the reality of how cold hearted love can actually be. I’ve been in situations that had no strings attached or so we tried to convince ourselves. Personally, I believe there’s always a string attached. That string is about life and discovery. Sometimes on one end you’ll find an optimistic heart while on the other end you’ll find a selfish soul with a talent for manipulation. Sort of like some chick who will come up with a scheme to get what she wants by giving you a choice on what you should buy for her rather than her trying to do the shit for herself. I used to be so optimistic before, but rather than become manipulative too, I choose to be alone.”
A tear fell from Malcolm’s eye. His anger felt justified but it didn’t feel like an emotion he could hold up with pride. He wondered how much time would go by before he could trust love again.

Copr.2005
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Flowers I Left Behind

Flowers Of Moriah 

I traveled for miles thinking about my children. Two daughters I left behind because I was told they couldn't come. Mister Clark say they old enough to fend for themselves and "besides..." he say with a smile on his face. "You about to begin a whole new life so you dont need to be weighed down by unnecessary weight. I aint got much room for them no how."

I didn't much listen to Mister Clark because no matter how he say it, none of it makes sense, especially when his words just bouncing off all the pain that was collecting inside of me. Still, I had to keep myself strong and somehow believe that in my heart, God make this all work out just fine. I dont know how he do it but I seen miracles happen before. Blessings come to those who need him when it's the proper time.

Mama used to say to me "aint no good to recognize somethin if you aint doin nuttin about it." As I traveled with Mister Clark from one state to the next, I learned how to think and plan ahead. I guess some would call it dreaming but it felt to me like I was doing more than just putting empty promises inside my head. I figures once we get to where we was going, I could finds a way to be with my daughters no matter how long it take. Love so powerful it can't be separated by distance or even years and aint nobody strong or evil enough to pull love from my heart. I refuse to allow it. I may hold a cold shoulder to a stranger at times 'cause I got to protect myself but family whether kin or friend is always welcome... (to be continued...)

Copr. 2005 Flowers Of Moriah

Ghost Of A Good Man...and Woman

Ghost Of A Good Man 

I feel like I'm repeating myself when I say that this past Sunday, I awoke to spiritual voices singing in my head. It's happened before. I even used this for a character in a story once. A story inspired by my family and by the power of the human spirit, which continues to prove itself constantly... The story is "Until Again" and what had happened was.... smile..

This past Sunday in the wee hours of the morning I was tossing and turning. I was deep inside a beautiful dream where I'd seen my grandfather's face. He was smiling and looking strong as ever. He didn't say anything but he was there. He's always been there for me. And then I began hearing this beautiful voice singing a gospel song. I wish I'd listened closer to the words just so I could remember what was being sung but I didn't. I was mostly captured by the beauty and the emotion of the sound. The voice was powerful. And as I came out of this dream, I could still hear this voice. It was coming from my television which I had left on all night. It was a beautiful feeling because my memories hold many Sunday mornings waking up in Texas; hearing the sounds of gospel music coming from a television or radio in my grandparents house. That's where I was this weekend, making a decision which left me wondering if I'm doing the right thing... Deep down I know I am and seeing my grandfather's image sort of confirmed this to me... I felt at peace when I woke up and now I'm back in crazy LA but I brought something back with me that also blew me away. An unexpected treat...

Again, what had happened was... I found some old cassettes as I was cleaning out a dresser drawer belonging to my grandmother. A few tapes had preacher names and titles of sermons. I listened to one where the preacher said to the congregation "when you shut up and straighten up, I'll do somethin..." I dont think he was directing it to them. It was more so in the context of what he was preaching about but I like the way he said it. I listened some more and then I played a cassette which had no writing on it and discovered a beautiful treasure. It was the sound of my grandmother's voice, reading a nursery rhyme. She read "Jack jumped over the candle stick..." It feels like it's been forever since I've heard her voice. The last five years of her life were a struggle for her. She could barely speak at all, which always frustrated her so much. During her adult life and as she got older she was always known for her sharp wit and her sometimes sharp tongue. She was a strong woman that would speak her mind and if you saw her lips get tight, you were in for a serious tongue lashing. Hearing her voice on this tape I consider a gift and perhaps even a special message. My grandmother passed away almost five years ago now and despite those moments when I hear her voice through memory or inside a dream, it was good to hear her for real, once again... sort of...

Success Leads To This...

Success Ave. 

On one of my venturing out journeys over the weekend, I'd discovered this street that served as one of the entry ways into a project housing complex known as Nickerson Gardens. I laughed a little bit and then I wondered if folks living there even paid attention to it or if the sign to them had disappeared in their consciousness and become a backdrop to the sights and sounds of the hood.

This past weekend I took a friend of mine (KR) who wanted to visit Nickerson Gardens again. We'd gone there before but we didn't find that much to photograph. However, on this visit we came across several really interesting images. The young boy in his own world drawing in his coloring book. He refused to smile but he finally looked up. There was a gang of fellas hanging out on Success Avenue that we wanted to photograph but from the looks on their faces, we figured it was safer to capture the image in our minds and be able to laugh about it later.

After that we drove around and discovered a whole world within the confines of this area made famous by videos like the anti-violence music video "All In The Same Gang" and the movie, Set It Off. This area has character and stories for days despite the occasional violence that breaks out. KR had seen and was touched by this young man taking care of his little baby girl. He tried desperately to keep her warm as the wind was strong enough to blow clothes off the line behind him. It was a chilly day despite the clear blue skies.

Another scene we saw was an older crowd playing cards outside on one corner and perhaps a block away there was a latino family of several generations preparing for a big outdoor picnic celebration. Within this world there was a feeling of community and that's something I rarely see in the so-called better neighborhoods on the other side of town including my own. Mind you, Nickerson Gardens looks like a place you dont want to be stranded in and the homes on the outside edge of this area have more bars than your maximum security prisons but over the weekend, the sun was shining and everybody seemed cool with each other. As I said, there was a true sense of community spirit combined with all the images that black folk might smile and reminisce about.. Hair being braided on the front porch, young men standing proud in T-shirts and colors representing who they claim to be and young kids oblivious to their surroundings but having fun as if they'd found all the joy they'd need to see.

It was a cool day on Saturday... A day in the LIFE under the gleaming LA sky...

Space For Rent

Space 

I had a conversation with a young lady this evening. The first thing she said that struck me was "my heart has space for rent..." Before she made that comment I was only halfway listening to her. She was cute. She had a way about smiling that left you wondering what was really on her mind. She'd glance down on occasion or even stick her finger slightly between her teeth. I didn't mind. It gave an observer like myself a few more things to remember about her. But again, it was that statement that she made which really brought her into focus for me.

There I was, first sitting sideways, taking sips from my drink and half listening while watching the body traffic all around. In fact, her original reason for sitting with me was because she'd noticed I was having fun watching the parade of folks going about whatever it is they were going about. Otherwise known as people watching... She asked if she could join me and I didn't see any reason to refuse.

"Please" I said before standing to pull up a chair for her to sit on.

"A gentleman and a people watcher... I'm scared of you!"

I laughed. "Why you say that?"

"Because you're observant and yet at the same time, you dont neglect a woman that's in your presence."

"That's cool. I never really thought about it like that."

"I'm observant too and I notice things like that, especially with a man! Typically I'm just waiting for a man to do something wrong so I can place him in the same barrel I have most other men."

I laughed again but this time it was with reservation. This young lady was getting deep with me even before she knew my name. After a few sips of my drink and only quietly responding to her comments, she introduced herself. Maybe she felt me retreating a little bit because she'd been talking so much.

Her name was Cynthia and the conversation traveled through all sorts of territory from traffic and weather to the trials and tribulations of men and women trying to relate to each other. She told me I was a good listerner and complimented me on looking clean and fresh... I laughed and then I guess she could read the not-completely-understanding-look on my face.

She said "I mean that in a good way. You've got this look about you that's borderline playa but you're shy too and I've yet to see you even hint at anything sexual towards me."

"Well, some thoughts I keep very well hidden."

"Nice comeback. Now you just trying to be charming but I dont think you've looked at me in a sexual way."

Cynthia and I ended up in a two minute debate about the ways in which she could tell how a man looks at her. I took notes. She knew what she was talking about. Then she excused herself because she wanted to throw some used napkins away in the nearby trash can. She turned to look at me as she dropped the napkins in the trash.

She smiled. "See, that was a sexual..." she said.

I shrugged in defense. "What's sexual? What do you mean?" I asked.

Cynthia returned to the table.

"The look you gave me. I ain't mad at you, though. A woman likes to know she got it going on just so long as the man doesn't be disrespectful about it. You're alright, Anthony."

"Thanks."

"So why you sitting alone out here looking like a loner?"

"I am a loner but I do enjoy company, too. Right now I'm just relaxing. Winding down from the weekend and watching the show."

"You had a busy weekend? Maybe a really hot date that's got your mind spinning?"

I laughed and thought for a minute how cool that would be if I had a date that left me spinning or at least dreaming of the next date.

"Nah, no date... How about you?"

"Actually I did have a date. It was cool. We went to this place called 'E' Cuisine. It's spelled Y-I but they pronounce it like 'E'."

"Good food?"

"Not bad... Asian sort of food."

"Good date?"

"It was nice. I dont see this man as a long term vision but he could be a friend. I've seen girlfriends jump way too quickly into things and then I have friends who hook up with some nice guy and then wake up one day and break his heart because he ain't moving fast enough... It can get confusing but personally, I have my parameters set up so I should be okay for now..."

"Meaning what you said earlier?"

"Huh?"

"That space for rent comment..."

"Oh... yeah..." Cynthia smiled.

March 31st aka 3-31 Style...

Spring forward 

"You cant avoid death and taxes but you sure can think about not paying!! *wink* Just kidding Mister Uncle Sam. Your money is coming..."

-VAR

I sat in my office chair contemplating writing this check for a never before thought of sum of money. I expected this craziness so the pain is bearable. It's like spiritually resolving yourself to the inevitable. It's like taking a deep breath and numbing your senses because this was a day you knew would come. It's like three things I was expecting to do this month or at least to recognize and then move on with my sanity still intact. Those things include: renewing my license. I had to go in to do this because I reached the maximum times where they simply mail you your card. I kept putting it off. I was thinking, damn, I'm gonna have to take an eye test and after all these years of looking at a computer screen, dealing with Cali air pollution, increasing population of bootylicious ladies and whatever else be out there in the ozone layer, my eyes might not be too cool! BUT, low and behold, my eyesight is right on point! I aced that little eye exam like it was nothing. God blessed me with some pretty good eyes and I am very thankful....

Next thing: My Birthday. It's a day that I let go by without much fanfare... I just aint into it and as I've told and reminded several people, it's not something I get into until or unless I have that special someone who would make celebrating such an occasion truly worthwhile. Someone on a romantic level.. Someone unselfishly motivated by love who could just take matters into their own hands and spoil me like crazy. They dont have to set things up by warning me that they dont have any money, which means the celebration would have to wait until they do. Hence, I'm supposed to delay my reaction and have folks singing the birthday song in a restaurant several days after the fact. That just doesn't work with me.. But again, I imagine if I did have that true special someone, I wouldn't even have to worry about this sort of thing. Instead, I'd be blogging a week later with pictures, thoughts and an attempted recreation of what it feels like to have returned from heaven... And I guarantee you, once someone hooks me up in that special way, I will return that blessing ten times over!

Final thing: Taxes. All I can now say is OUCH!!! Uncle Sam hits hard! I'm reminded of this picture I always see at work in the elevator. It shows Uncle Sam pushing up his sleeve, ready to put in work with a balled up fist. The closed caption from my point of view reads "I'm comin for your ass Anthony so be ready!!" And I say to that the same thing that I'm able to stand up and say to love... I dont really want to pay right now, but I am ready when I know it's time... I'm glad March is on it's way out!

Saturday Night...

Saturday Night 3-26 

Saturday night was like a glimmer of possibilites.. It was like feeling a sense of loss in a city filled with opportunity. It was like witnessing a beautiful full moon in the sky overshadowing a corner where life was once taken. It was like driving past a beautiful young woman who clutched herself as she walked away from a flower and candlelit memorial...

Saturday was party time, still with a glimmer of what could be or should be... It was like bittersweet memories left behind by a barber friend who I'd see smiling with pride every time I'd walk through the door. It was like thinking you'd finally found a friend you could shoot the breeze with but only discovering he was all talk and paid for shine...

But Saturday wasn't completely like that....It wasn't all glimmer taken away by slowly revealed, realistic light.. There were moments of real shine... A beautiful author at work, looking very happy and proud to be in her own shoes, wearing them with pride and still maintaining her down to earth-ness... And then there was another moment of shine... A tall gorgeous sistah looking incredible. She wasn't happy at first but even God's most awesomely beautiful sistahs have to endure wake up calls that say, "not every day can be perfect." But you know what? In the moment during our conversations and hugs, it was perfect for me... I thank you for allowing me to speak with you, to compliment you and to shake up your temporary foundation of sadness. Seeing you laugh and blush a little was real cool. I caught you off guard...I like those moments though it's hard for me to believe you cant see what I see... I'ma have to buy you an extra large mirror...*smile*

Going out like I seen this incredible creative soul do on her blog.. I'm bumpin an old school joint in my head... ===Saturday Night== by Earth, Wind, and Fire!

Until Again copr.2005 

Rambling Thoughts Again...

AR 

Decisions sit pasted to the table like yellow posted pads. I'm not even sure which one to tackle first, second, third... Typically I go with the one that moves my heart rather than the one which could make life a little uneasy like not paying a bill. Not that I'm behind on my responsibilities but that stuff just dont motivate me the same way. Compare the two experiences. I write a check, place it in an envelope and then mail it off. My reward is that days later, my bank account has less money in it. I'm not really feeling that too much. However, check this out...

Imagine a tall beautiful cafe-o-lait or chocolate or honey-coated or cinnamon or caramel saturated sistah with a personality just as sweet and a walk that'll drive you insane thinking about it. Your insanity borders on an overexposure of the truth, which is, you dig this girl a lot. You spend unplanned moments embellishing reality with dreams of rose petaled pathways leading to her discovery that you are or at least could be THE ONE.

Those decisions you place before you only hint at what flows inside your heart inspired by reflections noted within your soul. You're merely just trying to spark her interest and turn on that switch which illuminates her smile. This ain't about over-powering the Queen. Too many ladies got themselves trained these days to turn off their smile once they step out into the world. Nah, this is about you being brave enough to represent the honest truth about you, both good and bad. This is about the potentiality of you as King and the quiet reality that shows you know something this special requires time...time...time...to move or gradually slide into her focus.

So, you wait and you love it when you find new ways to reach her. Your motivation is the best kind because it's not even about you. It's about her and hopefully she finds no struggle in recognizing real sincerity because it would be her loss if she doesn't. The reward is endless, unlike that bill paying which only means you can keep your stuff a little longer. How you represent you can last forever, even long after you're gone. Just imagine your spirit leaning against the wall like a shadow that needs no one to keep it standing strong... You can lean the same way and be remembered with love... But again, I'm just rambling... *smile*

Bob Marley

BM 

"One good thing about music, when it hits you feel no pain..."

Bob Marley-Trenchtown Rock

Today I was really feeling some old school Bob Marley back in the day when he was making music with the Wailers. Trenchtown Rock, Concrete Jungle, Catch A Fire ... The rawness of the music and the way the guitars are almost scratching the beat; you can't resist nodding your head and stompin your foot when that kick drum hits the floor... Just like Bob said, when it hits you feel no pain. It feels good! It's a shame that we have to lose people and ride on the wings of memories but I guess it's necessary.. Right now I'm riding out on the feel good sound of Natty Dread.

Cheers to the romantic dreamer called me...

Billie 

What causes a woman to lose her spirit? I guess I've always wanted to be that mysterious gentleman riding in for the sole purpose of making a woman's life beautiful. Unfortunately, I've run into brick walls known as reality and tasted the bitterness of issues beyond my control; more reality. But even still, I dream... I love the romantic notion of being that hero in a woman's heart or perhaps affecting her life in such a way that I forever remain a memory that she can pull from the air and say "thank you; I know why you were there for me."

My thoughts bring to mind the times when I use to imagine going back in time and saving the life of Billie Holiday. I was very young then. I used to think about this so much that I'd end up dreaming about it as I slept at night. The dreams played out with me romancing Ms. Holiday, sharing conversations that revealed her shyness, and eventually seeing her on television accepting her lifetime achievement award at the Grammy's, which meant that she'd survived and lived a long and beautiful life. Strangely enough, I'd always die at the end of my dreams about Billie Holiday. Typically it was at the hands of her jealous lover.. I guess being a romantic comes with a price tag...It's always worth it when you can see a woman with a special gift, shine for the world to see be it in the spotlight or just walking down the street, struttin with a smile on her face... I called it "A Change Of Day."

The First Cut Is The Deepest

Mirror 

A cold chill awakened me. It felt like someone was rubbing a piece of ice against the side of my face. It took me a while before I'd realize that I was struggling to climb out of a dream I was having. The dream was very strange because I was somewhere in the country, dressed like a slave. I was wearing some kind of old white dress and I didn't have any shoes on. I dont care how bad my situation is; I would never wear clothes like that in real life.

I was standing with a group of other slaves. They were talking about some kind of wagon pulling up soon with something that the master been waiting for. I was just standing there trippin off of the fact that I was having this kind of dream. I'm thinking that maybe all those stories that my family in Louisiana used to tell me about sunk in a little deeper than I'd realized. Now years later, everything they said is coming up to the surface for reasons that I'm not clear about.

As the dream continued, that wagon finally showed up. It was coming fast and kicking up a lot of dirt and rocks. A lot of us had to cover our faces because some of the tiny pebbles were shooting in our direction.

"What's that there?" Somebody shouted behind me.

Before any of us could answer, a very bright reflection shined in our eyes. It was as if someone shined a spotlight into the crowd. It happened for a brief second and once the wagon passed us by, the light was gone. That's when I could see the reason for what happened. There was this really huge mirror sitting inside. Some white man; I guess he was the master kept yelling for everybody to stay back and dont come near the wagon when it stopped. I wasn't concerned about no damn wagon. I was trying to figure out what the hell I was doing in this dream. Then something crazy happened. One of the wagon's wheels went over this rock and the man driving it lost control. The horses were going one way and the wagon went another. Then before anybody could react to what was about to happen, that wagon flipped on its side and the mirror hit the ground; shattering into pieces. One of the women standing near me mumbled something. I looked at her and waited for her to say something else.

She said "serves him right..." and then she walked away.

I was gonna follow the lady but then everybody that was standing behind me followed those in front of me and ran toward the shattered pieces of mirror. I couldn't run against what felt like a wave of energy pulling me in the opposite direction of where I wanted to go so I joined the crowd. The slaves were picking up pieces of the mirror and acting like they'd seen a ghost. It was no big deal to me because I knew what it was.

"Y'all leave those be, ya hear!" The master shouted.

Hearing that white man screaming like he lossed his damn mind was incentive for me to grab my own piece of that mirror just to be rebellious. I picked up a piece that was large enough for me to look at my entire face reflecting inside. I hid it underneath my dress as soon as I seen that white man and a couple others running over and pushing some of the slaves that still held a piece in their hands. Before they could get to me, I was able to sneak behind all the commotion going on and walk out toward the large green field in the distance. I didn't know where I was going but it looked safer than sticking around where I was. Eventhough this was a dream, I could still feel what was going on as if I were actually living it instead of just watching. When I felt a little moisture at my fingertips, I looked at my hands and saw blood. I'd cut myself when picking up the piece of mirror. I'd felt the sting when it pricked my finger. That was really strange to me. Then again, this whole dream made no sense.

When I made my way to the wooded area just on the other side of the green field, I sat down because I was tired for some reason. It felt like I'd walked miles when I'd probably only walked a few feet. I dont know. It was strange because I could no longer see the commotion that I'd left behind but I knew I didn't walk that damn far. I looked at myself in the mirror. I actually wasn't sure I was looking at myself. My eyes looked different. They were sort of a light hazel color rather than dark brown. My skin tone was just a shade lighter and it looked flawless. I no longer had the scar on my cheekbone that had gotten there when I fell and hit my face on a sprinkler in our backyard when I was a kid. I didn't have the one or two blemishes from not taking care of my skin like I should. I looked really pretty but it was a trip because I didn't recognize my own eyes. It was as if I'd possessed someone else's vision and it was rolling around inside my head like two little hazel colored marbles, moving from side to side.

I was completely taken by what I'd seen, reflected by the mirror. So much so that it felt like I were hypnotizing myself. I say that because my eyes felt like they were being forced to close; I was so tired. I fell asleep right there in that tall green grass, leaned against an oak tree. And then, I dont know what happened or how long I'd been sleeping but I was awakened by the cold chill of something against my face. When I opened my eyes, it took a few seconds before my vision could focus. When it did, I saw a young black man smiling over me and then I felt a sharp pain. This man held the mirror up and I could see my bloodied reflection. My face had been cut very deeply, just below my cheekbone. I screamed as loud as I could and that's when everything went silent. My dream had turned pitch black and I couldn't see nor hear a thing. I was scared and yet, I was actually awake at this time. I didn't want to open my eyes for fear that someone would be standing over me, waiting to see what I'd do. I laid there as if I were playing dead. I waited until I could feel the sun beaming through my window as it normally did around seven in the morning. When I felt the sun, that's when I woke up. It was just a dream, I told myself. It was just a dream?

The First Cut Is The Deepest
Copr.2005

2 My Ears, They Move My Soul...

Classics to my ears! 

My uncle used to say to me and everybody else that this music would never last. He couldn't imagine this stuff grabbing hold of somebody and making them reminisce in the way that an old Motown joint would. But ya know what? Whew.. I've got memories for days and days and dayzzzzz... Tonight I was listening to The Wake Up Show with Sway and Tech. They were playing some Hip Hop Classics in celebration of a CD they have coming out. They played some stuff that I used to love like crazy! I mean, some of it I would be blasting from my speakers while cruising down Crenshaw Boulevard in the early 90's. I even remember listening to an NWA song with my windows rolled down and an angry glare on my face. Brothas was hanging off the side and center islands on "The Shaw" aka Crenshaw and cars were backed up all the way down the street. I got a little attention because of the song playing. That infamous one dedicated to police officers. Not the Ice T cut but the NWA one. Smile. Funny thing though, when I looked to the side, I saw a limo with Marley Marl looking right at me out of the rear window. I guess he was marveling at my nerve to be playing that song so loud. I marveled too but the beat sounded so good coming from my Nissan 240 SX. That's what I was driving back then...

Tonight, I could feel that Hip Hop magic in my bones as The Wake Up Show played Ain't No Half Steppin by Big Daddy Kane, You Gots To Chill by EPMD and Slowdown by Brand Nubian. I could visualize everything from the cruising to days and nights listening to KDAY to driving deep inside South Central LA playing "AmeriKKKa's Most Wanted" to that thumpin beat of "My Philosophy" to Fab Five Freddy and YO MTV Raps! Those were some good days and I didn't even realize it back then, which typically is the case. You never know what you got until you find yourself looking back on it years later... I miss it all.

What Was February Really?

Powerful 

Black history month seemed like a farce to me.. I didn't really see much within it to celebrate with the exception of the amazing moment that I witnessed when Jamie Foxx won the Oscar award for best actor. When they showed the clips of his Oscar nominated competition, I smiled... I said to myself, they dont even come close to what Jamie did... Thank God the powers that be who give out that award could clearly see that too...

But anyway, despite that moment it seemed like what I heard most during the month of February was a bunch of nonsense like 50 Cent and The Game fighting over stuff that matters not in the whole scheme of life and what we hopefully are placed on this planet for. Where's the love? Where's the support for one another? We're like fish in a tank(that we dont own) fighting each other and everybody is watching... Everybody is laughing too and quite a few are imitating the negative that we put out, which is the sad tragedy of it all because instead of taking away from this month the pride and dignity of Jamie Foxx setting the stage on fire with respect, humility, LOVE, and an awesome display of talent, we have fools setting the stage for what? Another round of rap wars? Loss of life because we got millionaires with un-focused minds and mentalities that refuse to take it to the next level in a positive way? Reflect what you been through but show that a rose can truly grow from concrete, to paraphrase Tupac.

Black History.... Hmm.. I'd like for everyday of next February to include a roll call of black people/African Americans who truly give us reason to smile with pride whenever we step into a room or fill out forms where we check the little box. Lets have local radio stations sound off with a powerful voice similar to either James Earl Jones or Avery Brooks (my favorite) and have them read a list of names... whew.... it would be a powerful experience just to listen and allow your mind to fill up with images and thoughts ranging from intelligent, survivor, gifted, passionate and beautiful, to intense, gorgeous and inspirational.. You will be inspired and you will also sit in amazement and say damn, what am I doing with my life? Black is truly beautiful but not enough folks know what that truly means or even represents... The knowing makes us strong and the caring allows us to live...