Saturday, December 08, 2007
Because of you, all I do is exist. No more life; I sit around waiting. A never-ending nightmare is the only thing that comes true. Daily promises that I hold onto thinking this is finally it. Then that day comes filled with disappointment like a hole big enough for me to slip- in. What a decision I've made. I'm stuck in a deep, long bottomless pit; a place designed for fools like me that trust so easily. Life doesn't feel like it goes on when you've blown the best chance given by God to get it right. No matter how good love looks like on the outside, doesn't mean its guaranteed to become that beautiful connect you always dreamed of. This really isn't about love though; not about an ex but just an attempt at trying to understand why honesty and sincerity serve no purpose. Those that resemble champions of the art of a good lie dish out compliments and receive rewards. Those that scratch their heads wondering (like me), discover more roads for suffering; unable to relate to the concept of being joyous and feeling blessed. Echoes of someone saying "don't do something stupid" only sound like the opposite could be more true. That which is perceived as stupid sometimes feels like the best way out...
Friday, November 16, 2007
Thanks so much to BRIMM Magazine for the spotlight in this month's issue... BRIMM is an incredible magazine based out of Atlanta. I'm also looking forward to the showings of my photography work sponsored by this magazine. What a beautiful feeling to be recognized in a positive way... Life is precious. Gotta keep it moving in a positive direction...
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Monday, October 29, 2007
Big shoutout to a good friend of mine named Jaime Saucedo. Gotta thank him for giving me good ideas on how to enjoy the weekend. The ideas I hesitated on at first. My spirit was a little low and a little too comfortable. I needed to get out of that comfort zone known as laziness and get my butt up. Do something different.. A different route and of course, bring my camera too.. Jaime suggested that on Saturday I checkout the anti-war protest going on downtown and then maybe on Sunday hangout and vibe off of the atmosphere of good people, african rhythms, and a positive vibe... I did just that and found myself enjoying the kind of weekend that I haven't had in a very long time... It felt like the old me coming to the foreground and was great opportunity to capture images of life that I could use for my portfolio as well as this spotlight going on right now via BRIMM magazine that's got me featured as a "Best Kept Secret." I'm honored by the spotlight, especially because they noticed me via my photography.
Saturday was cool at the anti-war protest. A lot of people came up with the most creative rhythmic chants to protest Iraq, Iran, Jena six, New Orleans, etc. It wasn't just the same we shall overcome sort of thing but even when they did something like that, they twisted the beat a little bit.. *smile* The signs were real cool too... I'll be putting up a little montage of the images in the next post from the protest.
Sunday, I enjoyed myself a lot. Great conversation with Jaime and incredible opportunities for some picture taking. The lady above represents one of the many that were in attendance as the sound of drums carried on until night fall. A woman known possibly as Oma Oya spoke with me and gave me blessings... And then I missed out on a lovely dancer that I wanted to approach but I'll find her again... and again, I hope.. She was incredible... and so was this weekend.. A return to me as I prepare for a special journey coming real soon. I miss being on the road but I'll be there soon...
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Seems like every year October brings with it a passing... I've lost several members of my family during this month over the years and almost left this earth myself a couple years ago. My friend Angela was a witness to that moment in time. This year October has been quiet on an immediate family level but a good friend of mine lost his mother last week. I attended a fiesta that was already planned in her(Emiliana) honor as well as her viewing and eventual burial held this past weekend. The funeral was on monday. It was from beginning to end a beautiful celebration of life. All the children, grand children, etc that she leaves behind. My friend is truly blessed with a big beautiful and close family; something that I wish I had or at least a close one no matter the size. The years have added distance to my family.
The events held in honor of Emiliana were interesting to me. I felt honored because many of them see me as a member of the family. I've known my friend Ed for many years and he's always invited me to family events so I've been able to see some of the kids grow up into young adults now. At the viewing I observed how a lot of these family members reminded me of my own family from years past. The faces looked familiar except these people come from a different cultural background but the personalities are the same. Uncles looked familiar, cousins, aunts, etc etc... The laughter, the jokes, the sadness, the celebration, the worries, the hope... It was all the same. Unfortunately the events were overshadowed by a younger member of the family, Ed's nephew(RJ) who was paralyzed from the neck down in a freak accident on the night after his mother passed away. My prayers go out to RJ. Life is never without its moments that remind you not to take each second for granted. So much negativity is allowed in our lives; people with motives, game playing, etc. What happened to the days of truly appreciating one another for who we are? I felt appreciated at Emilana's viewing just for simply being me and they all appreciated me for joining them in their time of loss... Appreciation and thoughtfulness.... it's lost in this world that overflows with shoulder shrugs and dont care attitudes... It goes without saying that Emiliana is truly in a better place but what a blessing it is to know that she leaves behind so much love and family closeness...
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
In the middle of downtown this lady hangs her clothes out to dry. The streets is her home and she made due with whatever she could find, borrowing money from passersby. I seen her soak the clothes in a bucket. The money she collected I imagine she'll use for more important things than water, which she found for free by turning on the faucet coming out of a wall a few steps away. I gave her a couple dollars. She bowed and said thank you. I took a picture of her from the front. She had an interesting face; her eyes had a softness to them despite all that she's probably seen in her lifetime. Her skin was definitely affected by the elements but her spirit seemed strong. She continued to smile and collect any change that anyone might give to her as she waited for her clothes to dry. I didn't mean no harm but I wondered how often she wore the black lace that she had hanging on the steel rod fence. Much respect to this lady and her survival...
Sunday, October 07, 2007
She lives on an ugly street pulling out weeds just for friends she meets. She waits for time to remind her of all her mistakes. She figures that's enough inspiration to see what more she can take. She leans on false hope in dark corners. Deals with men less likely to love or honor her. I loved her, though. Sacrificing everything I had to give her more than I'd ever dream. An investment in love is like guessing with your eyes closed. You mean well but without the legs of time to stand on, you never know if your decision is as sound and true as the wanting invading the walls of your soul from head to toe. I made mistakes and therefore I struggle. I suffer because I'm hard on myself. Too much time on my hands forces me to look into the mrror of hindsight. I underline thoughts translated as, you should've known better. Now I walk around as a man others fear to touch but that's nothing compared to my fear to love. It just seems like too much sacrifice at this point and I'm just a little too tired right now...
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Over time or as time goes by you discover an occasional person that you've touched in some kind of way. I'm truly blown away and amazed by these moments because I never expect that what I write or how I may express myself toward someone would linger in their mind and heart longer than the brief encounter which again, I take as a great blessing. Today I received a really nice reminder of what just being good to people can do. Being good doesn't cost a thing but the rewards always come when you least expect it and need it the most.
Let me back track for a second....This morning I woke up very early at 4:45am feeling restless. I couldn't sleep. I mean, my original plan was to sleep at least until 11am since this is Saturday and I've just finished a long hard work week combined with some very stressful moments in my personal life. Anyway, I got up and decided to venture out to the beach. I was curious to see what it looked like at such an early hour. I live quite a ways from the beach so when I got there(Marina Del Rey) it was about 5:30am. The only folks on the beach at that hour were a few runners, some dogs chasing tennis balls into the water, and a few homeless people covering up in an effort to block that early morning sunlight. There I was, walking through the sand with camera in hand snapping a few shots and just taking in the ocean breeze. It felt good but to a certain degree I felt lonely though not so much in that I wish I had someone by my side; I just felt lonely. Life has been rough recently; still is and it's made me feel something that I've never felt before. I mean, I'm not so sure I even walk with that natural quiet cockiness any more that folks say I have or that "kolohe spark" that a special Hawaii friend(Jody) would say I had. I dont feel it... That something that I've never felt before in the past is pure vulnerability... It makes me feel less like I want to get out and about. My camera is probably responsible for the little bit that I do get out because it inspires me to go out and capture life so that I may escape for a moment while composing the shot.
Well, I continued to walk the beach. I saw a couple surfers out doing there thing including the one fella in the picture above looking so content. I could relate to his feeling of solitude though contentment wasn't something we had in common. I walked from Marina Del Rey to Santa Monica beach which is quite a good walk, especially in the sand all the way. Anyone familiar with the area would say "damn, you walked a long ways!" And being that I had to turn around and walk back made the journey one long thought process as I found myself for a moment forgetting about my camera and escaping into a story that I pictured myself in. I dont want to give a whole lot of details because I can see this story becoming a novel but essentially it deals with the major subjects in life; love, relationships, and everyone's personal journey as a result of our choices relating to those subjects. The story is narrated by a woman but is about a man. I could hear this woman's voice so clearly and relate to each step that the man had taken before crossing paths with the lady. As I walked along the shore of Santa Monica, Venice, and Marina Del Rey beaches, I had composed in my head pretty much the entire outline of the story. When I got home I wrote the first chapter and then I took the suggestion of a friend and rested my mind because despite having an interesting morning, my early rise sort of threw off my day.
And now I get to the point of this blog entry as I really back tracked bigtime there. After my nap I checked my email and found a really cool email from someone I had touched via one of my stories many months ago. A woman that I remember because of her cool name; Suraya Leona. To me, the real true gift/reward of being an author is in how you touch people with your written words. This wonderful lady took the time to email me while on vacation in Egypt. I mean, its not like we've kept in touch at all but for whatever reason she thought of me and reached out. I'm amazed by that kind of thing. Blown away.. I feel blessed and am very thankful. She said in her email that I had helped her a lot when we last wrote to each other. I'm not sure what I did but I do remember her kindness and for that and especially for her reaching back to say hello; I say thank you Suraya.
On another very special note I have to once again say thank you as I did with my picture in the sand to Angela. Her voice and spirit also came at a time when I needed it and still need it the most... Amazing...
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Humility, vulnerability, life, lessons, struggle, different light, hurt, pain, worry, anxiety, stuck, alone, money, hate, can't, love, swimming thru rough waters, holding tears inside my soul, watching others celebrate life as I hide from the sun planning my future with nothing. A world of dreams and accomplishments coming to an end. Floating on memories until the oxygen thins. This time in my life has rocked the core of my soul that is the foundation of me and changed my outlook as well as the way I look inward. Gone is the excitement and desire to find you/love...
You ever felt like you were dying inside; living on hopes, dreams, wishes, wants and all those positive things that you believe in your heart should be your destiny? How could these tough times invade your path? How could life throw you the kind of curve ball that feels like it's suspended in air forever. You keep swinging at it to make it go away. You pray, you try to stay strong as others suggest; keep your chin up, etc but its still here; still there. What's worse is when you can sit back, imagine and recognize that you had it ALL before; your life was truly good but then you saw a glimmer of that perceived extra-special-something that you always wanted but was out of reach so you look the other way; the opposite direction of good common sense and you go for it. Your decision only makes sense during that moment when you might as well had worn a blindfold because now that your vision is clear you live your life in fear of what will come behind a mistake that has you labeling this as the worst ever year; a year that seems to have no end...
Sunday, August 12, 2007
As life goes through its motions, you find yourself enduring some sort of heartache. And, if you’re a creative person you find your ways of expression becoming a little deeper because of what you've been though. If you write; you have more things to say. If you play music; you find a little more of an emotional connection to your instrument. If you paint you’ll find a little more realism reflected in your art. I’ve been through a few things in life though I never claim to be alone in my experiences. One can always find another who is worse off or who has suffered and endured greater challenges but to each comes its own trials and tribulations. Lately, I’ve found myself lost in thought, writing down ideas and words that will make for great stories. Hopefully what I express will help others and perhaps entertain. Maybe what I say will even give second thoughts to those that might be on the verge of following a similar path; right or wrong.
One thing that I do claim myself to be and am very proud of is that I am indeed a very creative being. I use many ways to creatively express myself. Perhaps it has to do with being the introspective person that I am; quite often put down because I don’t talk as much as some say I should talk. I figure all the differences that every single individual brings to the table of life is what makes this world go round and round. In other words, despite any ups, downs, and in betweens, I am me and for the most part I’m proud of that fact. I only say for the most part because I’m not proud of all decisions that I’ve made in life but then again, that brings me back to the point I’m trying to make. Life adds depth to the ways in which we express ourselves, especially with respect to those whose means of expression have to do with creativity.
Lately, I’ve noticed an improvement or perhaps more depth in two other things that I do creatively. One is my guitar playing. I love the guitar and have always messed around with it. I’ve been a big fan of the instrument as well as those famous and not so famous who play it. I used to play in a group with my uncle and we’d play at weddings and backyard parties with just me, him and a drum machine back when the technology wasn’t so great and the sound was so cheesy. Back then I hadn’t really lived and experienced all that I can now look back on so from a creative stand point I’ve come to realize that I had very little emotional history, if you will to put inside my playing. Now I find myself up late at night sometimes restless, thinking about tomorrow; I reach for my acoustic guitar and start to strum. I play with feeling. I strum chords that sound really good. The guitar feels like a natural extension of my body as if it belonged in my hands. I grip chords with ease and don’t always have to look at the instrument. Playing relaxes me; thus I’ve found more depth in this creative form of expression, which I imagine is due to my life and the living that I’ve done.
Photography has turned into a passion of mine unlike I’ve ever imagined it would. Perhaps it was handed down by my father who was a real serious photographer and had about twenty cameras and a professional dark room/studio in his house. Anyway, my need to capture moments in time has become a sort of daily craving. Many times when I don’t have my camera in hand, I find myself capturing moments visually with my mind or looking at things differently because I’m trying to figure out how I‘d photograph the subject. I look at people, scenery, objects, etc with so much more in mind than a simple glance. I believe that my photography is now showing a lot more depth not only due to me becoming that much more familiar with my camera but mostly because of that certain vision inside of me which sees things in my own way based upon my life’s experience. I really believe that if you have two photographers taking pictures of the same thing, you’ll likely see two very different visions. I experienced this recently by comparing a shot of a wall that I had taken in downtown Atlanta. It was the very same half brick and concrete, graffiti covered wall that a friend of mine had photographed before. She chose to highlight the entire wall and bring out the soft yellow tones of the concrete area whereas, I chose to focus in on the red brick area, which included a window with broken glass. I brought out the red, white and black tones of that section of the wall. I look at my photographs and wonder what goes through my mind before hand and why I chose that particular subject. I’m not sure most times. It's basically a gut feeling... I just feel some sort of emotional thing while at the same time I’m surprised by the end result because I’ll see a little bit more than what I’d seen when I initially took the shot. I love photography and most of all, I love being creative. And with life comes a deeper means of expression especially if you pay attention to every detail of it; good and bad, right or wrong.... but anyway...
Saturday, July 28, 2007
"Damn, Timothy had the kind of gift that we all wish he would've passed down to somebody in the family. Maybe seeing what he saw could've helped one of us pick the right lottery numbers. I guess what he saw was a little bit too much for a normal person to handle. Even in church, the elders used talk about it all the time but now that they gone it seems like ol' Timothy finding other ways to let us know he been here before."
"What happened to the elders?"
"Pastor run them away with his triflin ways. You know how it is. Tradition is gone and folks got they own set of rules. Way too much drama to tell you about it right now but if you stick around long enough, you'll hear all about it. Plus being that you staying in Timothy grand mama's house, you libel to hear more than you ever bargained for. I'll be around to check on you. Enjoy your vacation. What you say your name was, again?"
Timothy Beekerwood, copr.2007
Friday, July 27, 2007
I was like Anthony in Wonderland this past week, spending wonderful time with myself in an area that felt like a blessing. It was miles away from my day to day life and worlds away from the past few months... I hungout in areas that I'd been introduced to last year and found the same warmth and good feeling from total strangers but the best part was just me being creative, snapping real cool shots like this beautiful entrance and enjoying all the R&R I possibly could... This was one of those moments where I wish I could control the hands of time...
Usually whenever I would wish time to stand still, I'd be in some beautiful company.. Like the time when she asked me to "fly," which then led to our very first kiss. Or the time in Seattle that was reminiscent of the movie, "Before Sunrise" where we stayed up all night and didn't want to chance closing our eyes for fear that we might miss something. Or the special birthday celebration on Tennison Road, the magical nights spent on a plantation in St. Francisville, Louisiana, the beautiful night in Vicksburg once again on a plantation and the special nights in New Orleans. In those instances, time standing still would've been heaven and this past weekend, time standing still would've been bliss... I guess I have to settle for the inspiration. It was a real good time...all by myself..
Sunday, July 22, 2007
The first words I heard were "Anthony's home!" and then I was greeted with a warm hug, smiles and concern.
"You lost some weight!" she said.
"Yeah, but it dont look bad on him.." another said.
"Chile, you been on my mind and I've been meaning to call you but then one situation after another come up and then some things that I wanted to do just slip my mind."
"Yeah, I know about situations..."
"I'll bet you do. Sit down-"
Cousin Maggie and I sat on the couch and after we chatted for a moment about my life, she then gave me a long sermon about life's ups and downs and in between's. She was both hard on me and forgiving but the main thing was that she embraced me and showed me what's in store if I just hold tight to my dreams, work hard and always remember to take care of myself. Then she updated me on all the latest family news.
"Cousin Charlene had a rough time before she passed-"
"Yeah, she slipped and fell inside her house then they took her to the hospital where she just refused all help. She argued with everybody and meanwhile back at her apartment they evicted her. We always wondered why Charlene stayed locked up inside her place so much. She probably had three bolted locks on her door. She didn't last long once they put her in a nursing home but they had to since she had no place to go. She was blessed with people that cared about her because everybody raised enough money once she was gone so that she'd have a beautiful funeral and a very nice casket."
"She's the last to go of my grandfather's brother's and sister's, huh?"
"Yeah, she was the last... I remember how the others left this earth one after the other so fast. I remember Rosetta and how she locked her eyes in a corner and then started making that death rattle. I sat in the other room just listening and I just knew she would be leaving us soon. Your grandfather was a proud man so he refused all visitors in the end except for you. I remember they snuck you in. You was just a little boy then."
"Yeah, I didn't stay long. He was curled up like he was cold but he kept saying my name. I never forgot that sound."
"It's good to see you..."
I took a long deep breath... "It's good to be here..."
"You staying long?"
"Nah, leaving tomorrow..."
Thursday, July 19, 2007
"Don't fan the flames of negativity..."
I've decided to get back to the positivity... I've got a whole series of posts that I would love to share about what I just been through.. The love, the beauty, the nightmare, the ugliness that now invades my day to day... She reaching out in threatening ways which is very sad. Accusing me of this and that when it's so unnecessary... Perhaps it's best to leave it alone and continue my successful direction so I will but I'm sure she'll say something in some kind of way soon and thus she will feel better?
Anyway, stay tuned to some beautiful pictures and other surprises around the corner... I've got so much to give and none of it has to do with attempting to ruin someone's life.. God bless her.... Peace...
Love has come to this... she spends her nights calling my phone(s) constantly and now she's decided to send me text messages over and over; a silly attempt to harass me. An indication of a soul with too much time on their hands motivated by an ungliness inside their heart. The message she sends me; "LOST SOUL." Is she talking about me? I'm totally found and living a good positive life thanks to my decision to turn away from her. She puts out constant negativity. She speaks with curse words and mean-ness that she's picked up over the years because of how she's been treated. My love for her was complete unselfishness, taking on responsibilities that I shouldn't have and I guarantee you, no man in their right mind ever would or ever will. I sacrificed beyond the call of duty, buying her groceries, new clothes, getting her hair done, coming to the rescue all the time when she needed this or that for herself and in the meantime draining my funds, leaving my refrigerator empty, not buying anything new for me and only making sure to pay my bills. I carried a heavy load, doing it for love? Is that what love is supposed to be like? A never ending cycle of being on call, day and night to give and give until you can't give no more? I will forever love her daughters. I will miss them and pray that they live a beautiful life but I too must live my own beautiful life.. The life that was mine before though granted, she and I weren't all bad... I conveyed beautiful messages right here on my blog and back then it was amazing but that's before reality mixed with selfishness stepped in... Her constant need, needs, needing takes precedent over anything, anyone, any and all... Her needs include an addiction that she's not honest with that controls her mind, her emotions, her way of life... So, the devil in someone's heart continues and she tries to reach me with her ugliness but I won't respond.. I dont pick up, I dont answer... I simply move on and live my life and at the same time wish her well, pray for her and hope that she wakes up with the realization that she can do so much better for herself. And she warned me in the beginning but I didn't listen. She even suggested many times that I seek another who could be better for me; give me the 100% love that I deserved. Well, that's the direction I'm taking though first I would like to give myself that 100% love and attention. I was told that I was the best man to come into her life. The "best thing to happen to her." She even told me this and said many other things that let me know I'd touched her heart and soul but at this point I just want the best life for me as well as her but in doing so she and I could never be and for that I am grateful. There was a time when my heart would go nuts at the thought of losing her but now I am overjoyed to carry the strength which has allowed me to turn away, move on, look forward and to keep my belief in love still intact. I'm not looking for love anytiime soon but if it's there I wont run... However I will be careful and I wont make the mistake of being consumed thereby leaving friends, family, and dreams behind as I did with this needy soul that I became so involved with... A needy soul with enough baggage to fill LAX. I've got about 12 text messages waiting to be deleted... And she's found her way to my blog, leaving messages as LaughingProphecy or perhaps she's having someone write the words for her because her skills aren't really that good. She's telling me I'm spineless because I will delete her message so I'm gonna be that and do that... spineless(lost soul that I am) but again, I wish her the very best that life and love have to offer...Life is beautiful now and all my friends see the return of me when they look in my eyes...
Sunday, June 03, 2007
As my man Slish would say, I've been "flying under the radar" and doing my thing so to speak or whatever that is but I will be back soon with much to say... Life has been a HUGE lesson of late. I hope the one, two, three or four folks that show me much love and interest on here will return when I return... I'll be back and I'll feel blessed by anyone and every one's visit... Thanks in advance... Prayers are always appreciated... VAR
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
When do you know you're in a place where you belong? You feel happy, content, at peace, relaxed, you never want to leave, you feel safe, protected, you can breathe, you can move about freely with no constraints and all you think about is enhancing everything you see, including self and whomever shares this space with you... I witnessed this yesterday..The happiness, the contentment, the peace... I could see it in her eyes. I could see the difference between who she was when she'd awaken in such a good place and who she was later when not and having to deal with situations that require way too much strength; more than anyone should have to bear. She's amazing that way; a survivor... She's sacrificed and continues to sacrifice more than she should ever have to... She deserves a million years worth of non-stop happiness and all positive dream come trues awaiting at her doorstep each morning in baskets filled with beautiful tulips... In other words, yeah, she deserves the very best and that's a prayer that I send up daily! *smile*
I don’t talk much but my mind is very active… My imagination carries me to a lot of places. Like a cloud floating over experiences; some I’ve had and some I imagine having. Everything from being the most sought after photojournalist to walking down the aisle with a certain someone... I’m not a man that jumps for joy but inside I feel joyous. I’m not a man that screams and shouts but there are moments when I want to. Sometimes I may even sound sad when I'm simply just very relaxed and happy to be in the moment... I’m very calm and not always easy to read via the expressions on my face. I don’t readily speak on how I feel at any given moment but I will share very easily if I’m able to grasp the words at that time. Seems like I dont do it that often; grasp the words and speak them verbally. It's not an easy flow for me like it is when typing on the keys or writing with a pen... I’m so used to thinking first, which means there’s typically a delayed reaction and when pressured to respond, I fumble with my words. I sometimes worry that my quiet nature will be so misunderstood that I lose the most important gift God has ever given or perhaps returned to me... LOVE...love...love... One thing I know how to do very well is love and giving is a strong part of that… I love to give and I’m in love right now; very much. This is who I am, a quiet man sometimes misunderstood though I’m always trying to learn and find ways to be understood. I'm a student of life. I can't know something until I've learned first...but love, I do know... I’ve also always possessed something that has been a blessing and a curse though more so a blessing in my mind... I’ve had my writing which has served as my outlet for anything on my mind and yet my writing seems to work hand in hand with the way that I am; a quiet man…
I think sometimes about why I’m so quiet. I don’t mind being this way but because it's often questioned, I wonder about it too. Most times I feel very at peace, looking at the world and observing all sides from the balcony of my quiet persona… I can take in the worst and the best without revealing my reaction… I can appreciate the most beautiful that walk this earth like the woman I’m in love with… I’m in awe whenever I see her in more ways than she may ever know... My reaction to this blessing I do reveal constantly because I dont believe I've ever gone more than five minutes at a time without thinking about how much I love this woman... Still, I look back on my life and wonder… During my childhood there were many times when I was told to shut-up and go into my room. If you talk with my uncle he’ll tell you how funny I was as a young teen and how I used to tell stories at night whenever he would sleep over. My uncle is only four years older than I so we basically grew up together like brothers. I would tell real funny, comical stories; making them up using my wild imagination and have him rolling around in laughter. Those were great times but in between those times there were moments with my father who would tell me to shut-up. It would kill my spirit and I’d always promise myself that if I were ever blessed with my own children, I would never prevent them from expressing themselves unless that child was doing something disrespectful. But if that child is being creative and happy, let that child be joyous... Back then I would go to my room and begin to escape into my imagination. I would learn to have fun without making a lot of noise. Learn to enjoy myself without really being seen or heard. Then there would be times when I’d be out with my father. I’d be so quiet and respectful that older folks would say “your son is so well behaved; such a gentleman…” It seemed like I was seeing some kind of confirmation that my father was right. So, quiet I remained… my personality shaping and me becoming who I became though it’s definitely not a bad thing and I don’t put it all on my father but yet and still, there’s probably something to it… And once again, me being the writer I have my outlet to express my thoughts…No, as I said, I dont always do it verbally like perhaps I should but this is me and all I can pray and hope for is to be loved for that reason... me being me... a good man.. My outlet being here right now, sharing what’s inside of me with anyone willing to perhaps listen to the words expressed on this page… Love and many thanks...
Thursday, March 22, 2007
This man that loves you is one that's dreamt of belonging to you since the day we met 16 years ago. And then when we became separated in time he's carried a feeling of being suspended in air and taken through experiences which allowed him to grow up, become a better man, and be prepared for when he'd find you again. I believe in destiny and fate. I believe God has a plan and who am I to deviate from a plan designed to give us real happiness. A plan covered with love. The kind of love that I've always wanted to share and be a part of with someone; with you... I've never in my life looked at a woman and seen so much promise for an incredible future. I've never thought about God so much in my life before but when I see you, when I think about you, I feel more and more in his presence... I remember something once said by this actor named Avery Brooks back in the day as he spoke about a woman he was in love with. He said "a woman is the breath of the power of God." As I spend time with you, that statement rings true in more ways than I ever imagined... Who am I and why do I love you so much? I need an eternity to express every which way I'd like to answer those questions... I need a lifetime with you... There's no other place that I'd rather be... I can't imagine no other destiny than me belonging to you... God wants it that way and I am so grateful.
Saturday, February 24, 2007
Las Vegas... It was wild out there last weekend. I had a blast observing it all and getting in the middle of a couple parties and nonstop craziness.. I meant to write about it when I returned last Sunday but for some reason I just didn't feel that compelled to do so. I arrived in Vegas really early on friday morning around 9:30am after an all night drive that I actually enjoyed. They hooked me up with a room right away at the Monte Carlo. I had reserved it last year when they first announced that the NBA Allstar game would be in Vegas. I'd been looking forward to it ever since because I knew it would be a sight to see.. I never expected the amount of women that I saw.. Whoa, that town was filled with the finest, wildest, beautiful-est women you can imagine and then some... Seemed to me like the ladies out numbered the fellas but then again, my head was turning everytime I saw some fine lady and that was every half second. I ignored words like "there go Jay Z!" or "Jamie Foxx got a room up here somewhere.." or "checkout Kevin Garnett at that table..." Nah, I was amazed by the amount of women just parading around.
Anyway, all week long I've been hearing the reports about how things got out of hand in vegas. All the arrests, the fights, the stupidity in the stripclub, the foolishness in parties and nightclubs... I saw a lot of ignorance portrayed by everybody, all people of all colors but the reports I've been reading of late only points fingers at black folks. I heard they're considering taking the Allstar game to Europe next year.. I guess they figure all the rappers, bloods and crips, pimps and ho's and regular black folks ain't gonna buy a plane ticket to go out there! Nah, we probably wont but despite all the so called trouble, I bet Vegas still made a ton of money over last weekend...
But anyways, enough of that... The highlights for me last weekend were the incredible performance by Prince over at his club 3121. Whew.. talk about a blessed and abundantly talented brotha! he opened the show with an old obscure but personal favorite of mine called "Something In The Water" from the 1999 album and closed the show with some great guest performances by Will I Am, Natalie Cole and Celo performing Crazy with Prince's band. he never sounded better! I also love the way they slowly get the crowd going inside that club by having the DJ play a mix of tunes at a low volume. Then they increase the volume and the amount of songs until before you know it, you're watching a really cool live Prince video followed by the man himself coming onstage and blowing everyone away... He was all over the place interacting with the crowd and making a few ladies very happy by reaching into the crowd and pulling them up onstage himself. Incredible show...
Anoher highlight was the surprise conversation I had while waiting on the tram to take me from Mandalay Bay hotel to the Excalibur. I noticed these two brothas dressed in black suits. One had a hat on and I instantly recognized him. It made me proud to see him. It was Terry Lewis. Then all of a sudden I noticed Jerome Benton. For those not knowing, they are original members of The Time and of course you may remember Terry Lewis producing all those incredible hits with his partner Jimmy Jam. Without those two, janet ain't making no kind of musical noise... Jerome struck up a conversation with me after I jokingly said "why aint you over at the Rio?"(3121 club is there) He smiled and said "we been there a bunch of times.." After that we just had a real cool conversation as the tram took forever to get there. Those two were very down to earth people.
Other highlights included the various ladies who approached me thinking I was a basketball player, striking up nice conversations and making me feel like I had it going on. Ha haaa... *smile* It was cool.. I told them I was retired but still had the money... yeah, they laughed at me too... *smile* It was fun... I got in a lot of walking and had some bomb pina colada's at the Paris Hotel. It was hot in Vegas so those drinks came in handy... Other mentionable highlights also include the slamdunk competition and all the really cool exhibits and NBA stuff at the Mandalay Bay Hotel. It was a cool but wild time... Viva Las Vegas... I was actually glad to get out of there because by saturday night I was tired of it.. My vote is that they have the Allstar game in New Orleans next year!! Yeah!! Ha haa....
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Art imitates life and fiction is a dream in the making. Sometimes they collide, revealing the true essence and power of the human spirit. You ever willed something to happen? You dreamed about it or perhaps as the case with me, wrote a book about it? You ever made a mark on someone's soul and knew that one day they'd be a part of your life again when it was time and when you were ready? I question whether my life the past years has been preparation for this moment. I answer that question before I even finished asking it. The answer ripped right through the package of wonderment. Y-E-S I count my blessings. I never forget the past. I stay within the boundaries of wisdom. I step head first into this new chapter. I remain open to all possibilities as I bring from those years of preparation the courageous ability to say no when it's necessary. I am here for a certain someone to join me in happiness if she's ready, willing, and daring enough to step out of a situation and into bliss because the connection we share is what many will search a lifetime to find... It's all about this..right here.. be still and dont run away. Everything is possible...
Thursday, February 15, 2007
This is the compliment of the year so far as I received it from a very insightful woman from across the pond, representing sistahs all over the world from her home base in the United Kingdom, London..
"I feel that you are perhaps a very easy man to love but a difficult man to live with? I am sure you frustrate us women because of your quintessential feminine energy. It sure would rival the woman in us. And it is such a creative force, to be reckon with!!!"
Thank you Meserette. I'm looking forward to more frustrations..lol.. in a good way of course... Perhaps I'll be blessed by M..A.. Either way, this is a great journey...
Happy Valentines Day to everyone that had a blessed day... Mine was very interesting.. I actually forgot to wish a certain person a very Happy Valentines day as I hugged her while standing in front of an elevator. The hug was special, familiar, forgotten because it's been perhaps 15 years since we were in each other's presence. Today was mindblowing to be reunited with someone from my past.. A very important someone.. She saw me first, coming down a hallway. I saw her too but I didn't recognize her from the distance. I was only thinking about how beautiful this lady looked wearing green. I didn't realize at the time who it was. Then as I walked past where she stood, she said my name and there she was.. wow.. still beautiful after all these years. She told me about her daughter who I also haven't seen in a very long time and hearing the great news that her daughter is doing so well expanded my heart. Her beautiful angel was always special to me. I dedicated my first novel to them both called Daughter By Spirit. This moment today made for a very special Valentines eventhough it lasted but a few minutes. It was incredible seeing you Pookie.. *smile* If my memory serves me correctly, you once told me that was your nickname.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
What do we have to hold on to and remember? Seems like times gone by provide us with are fondest memories. What will be remembered from today with fondness? I listened to a great interview with Al Bell who is the former owner of Stax records in celebration of black history month. That man’s life was/is full because of the remnants of his journey. He can recall some incredible moments and experiences. He can relive conversations, music, faces, spirits that still affect him today. That’s the beauty of living. Carry your memories with you and learn from each experience. Pay attention to your life; each moment is very significant. Don’t take anything for granted. Don’t fall into the automatic pilot zone of just blowing everything off and saying “same old, same old…” Most folks that say that look tired before the words come out of their mouths. Saying or perhaps claiming those words only compound the problem.
As I listened to Al Bell today, I felt his journey and I felt proud to listen to this man who basically came from the same era as my father. Then I heard Mr. Bell mention the name of a man who as a small child I saw on two occasions when my father took me to a Black Radio convention one time in Houston and another time in Los Angeles. This man’s name was Dave Clark, a well known promotion man back in the day. I shook his hand a couple times too and kind of looked up to him because everybody seemed to smile when he was around. They all had a certain fondness for this man simply because of who he was, who he represented, his accomplishments, etc etc.. Then I heard several people tell the same story about Dave Clark, how he never would fly on a plane but instead would drive to wherever he needed to go. I think eventually he had someone driving him as he got older. Looking back I guess that’s also one of the reasons everyone greeted him with such joy because he’d travel such a long distance to get there and when he arrived, whoever he spoke to listened and basically absorbed this man’s spirit. I feel blessed because of the memories I hold inside of me and marvel at my own journey; the conversations, the faces, the spirits, the stories, the music, the love(s)… life.. and the best part is that I didn’t just let time slip by without paying attention to each moment.
A friend of mine(Shelia Goss) tonight used the word "goldmine" in reference to someone who by most standards has it made when it comes to success, status, and the power to get things done. I admire this person that we spoke about. I admire this person's success and all that they accomplished on the trail to get where they are but at the same time I find this person missing out on the true gifts of the goldmine in which they sit on top. The gold is tarnishing/fading as the days go by because they allow really silly, nonsensical things to invade the importance of the bigger picture in life.. To help, influence, inspire, and affect others by example. EGO gets in the way and thus the goldmine fades in the worse kind of way... It resembles or transforms into karma... that, what goes around comes around scenario waits patiently close by... But, this person is on their own journey and I hope they pay close attention as I always wish them the very, very best..
Speaking of goldmines or what I would rather refer to as blessings.. I have to give thanks to great conversations shared with Meserette, a very insightful woman living in the United Kingdom. I've shared a couple of emails with her and I so look forward to the next one as we discuss life back and forth, debating about all it's possibilities so to speak.. I also send a warm smile and thanks to Tomo from Japan for what she likes to refer to as "power," which is her way of saying positive energy or aura shared between two people. I've enjoyed her enthusiasm and desire to accomplish.. And many thanks to the beautiful teacher and good friend of mine named Kattrina in St. Louis for all her help, her wisdom, and spirit... That's the best kind of goldmine to have at your feet.. Sharing and not taking for granted, wisdom, vision, memories, dreams, accomplishments, aura, spirit, life... For Black History month I'd like to honor love because despite the sometimes ignorance that we may witness from time to time, the most powerful thing that has sustained us throughout our history is love... So let us pray that people, that everyone finds the strength to follow love rather than ignorance... For some reason, these days ignorance is like a magnet that some just can't help themselves out of... they follow blindly...
Sunday, February 11, 2007
I had a great time today watching some very talented ladies perform the Vagina Monologues.. That was some deep stuff to listen, watch and be a part of..no pun intended with the word "deep." Respectfully, there was some really serious things presented but also a lot of fun and humorous moments too. The best performance put in by Rolanda Watts who really acted out her parts in a powerful way. Jessica Holter of the Punany Poets fame was there. She's a small woman with a very soulful, sensual, sexy spirit and voice... And the always infamous Zane was there and did a great job.. Kym Whitley was beautiful and funny as always... There were others but those were the standouts for me... I just wanted to give a shoutout to this very powerful stage show and salute everyone involved.. and ultimately, salute women as a whole..
Sunday, January 28, 2007
I sat in a strange airport looking like I'd lost everything that ever belonged to me. I was feeling like a brother from another planet. My luggage; I didn't know where it was, though I knew where it was going. I felt some kind of relief knowing that I still had my camera, my mac and other important items inside my carry on bag. I even had a change of underwear just in case I needed to be fresh when it came to that stuff. Traveling when everything goes wrong is the worse struggle a first-time-traveling-east brotha could experience. I was stuck in the Chicago airport. My luggage was on its way to LA without me and I could already picture somebody picking up my shit and walking right out the door with it. Even though they give you those baggage claim tickets, LA is notorious for not even checking. You can pick up a bag and walk right out the door, no problem unless the owner sees you doing it.
As I sat in Chicago, I decided to just chill and wait for the delayed flight to arrive. I had no choice when it came to waiting but I did have a choice on whether I'd sit there in a state of woe-is-me reflection or would I make the best of this situation and open myself up to observing my surroundings. I chose to observe. I couldn't help it. There were so many different people walking by with determined looks on their faces. Everybody trying to get somewhere. You could tell which person had either been here before or possibly lived here because they were relaxed and even smiling a bit. They could walk forward and not really pay attention to the confusing signs pointing in all directions. Then I noticed the people that I could relate to more. They looked confused. Their faces were scrunched up, trying to figure out which direction to go. Some looking for gates and other's looking for the direction of the baggage claim. I could definitely relate to what they were going through. I snapped a few pictures. My camera was like my best friend. I could point it in any direction and somehow capture something interesting. I was photographing shoes, legs, body parts, people in nearby airport cafe's deep in conversation, and others at the magazine rack, thumbing through the pages. My camera is digital so I basically experienced instant gratification. I took the shot and looked at the results. I was having fun...
Then I noticed this young lady, lost in a crowd of travelers that had just gotten off of an arriving plane. I took a shot of her pulling headphones out of her purse. She was cute. She looked asian; probably japanese. She sat down in the waiting area across from mine. She was dressed in this brown heavy looking coat, perfect for Chicago weather though it didn't look like this was her last stop. I took a shot of her. She dropped her bag and knelt down really fast so I missed. Then she sat down and appeared to have turned on her music because she was bobbing her head a little bit, closing her eyes and smiling. I took a picture of that. I had to shoot three quick shots before I captured the moment perfectly. People were walking by and blocking my view. I felt like a stalker when others were watching me photograph this lady but I didn't care. Once I was able to block out other's looking at me, I was in a whole nother zone. It was just me and her; this mystery asian lady. I was in sync with the bobbing of her head. It was almost as if I could hear the music she was listening to. I captured more shots of her. She moved her head slightly to the left and I snapped away. She smiled when looking to the right; I caught her again. There was something special about her. I could feel her spirit and I imagined different scenarios. Not so much me with her in the romantic sense but me just getting to know her and seeing her in a different light. That kind of shine that allows me to see and witness the real person underneath those headphones.
I got lost in my imagination to the point where I didn't see the young lady get up from her seat. I thought maybe someone was blocking my view but when they moved, she was no longer in that seat. I visually searched around but didn't see her. I celebrated quietly the fact that I'd captured her with my camera. It was a beautiful way to spend my time waiting in a Chicago airport for a delayed flight. Two seconds later, they announced it was time to board the plane. One minute after that I'd left my seat to stand in line. I'd seen the young asian lady sitting down in the very same seat that I sat in. I smiled and when she looked in my direction; she saw me. She looked away but then she looked again. She bashfully released her own smile in my direction. I boarded the plane feeling light on my feet with a beautiful vision to see in my dreams as I slept on the plane for the next few hours. When I arrived in LA, I prayed that my luggage was waiting for me and if it wasn't, I was at least feeling good enough to not let my anger get the best of me. I'd have to thank that lovely lady for the good feeling.
Copr.2007 Brief Moments Of Wished Upon Destiny
From the desk of love.... Every coming weekend felt like Christmas.. The anticipation so great because of all the words whispered through space and time. We shared real honest feelings with one another. We talked about more than just the future; we talked about now. She let me into her life in ways that as a man I must never take for granted. Allstar weekend, the Superbowl; none of that stuff got in the way or came before my lady but thank the lord and knock on many pieces of wood; my lady understands the enjoyment I get from those moments in life. I repay her with an extra dose of lovin and spoiling her with sincere effort. That's all it takes is real true effort. The best motivation for creativity is love. The best inspiration being the infinite possibility of the depths of that love... And then she'd ask me "where did you come from?" or complimenting my mother for doing a great job of raising me. I'd stop her from most of the compliments and thank her at the same time. I don't want to be placed on a pedestal because with the good comes the bad. I'm human so there will be times when I'll say the wrong thing. There will be moments when something rubs me the wrong way. I'm a passionate man. Honest. I react and with being human, reaction time is sometimes a little off and thus, feelings are hurt by something said. The downtimes ensue. But, when a man is true to the love he's been blessed with, it doesn't take forever to recognize the words of that Gladys Knight song. "Your the best thing that ever happened to me..." even if I'm new school and that was old... When a man is true with his actions and pursuit of a woman's love and respect, that mantra becomes etched in his heart and nothing should get in the way. He's motivated to live a little longer, breathe a little better, succeed a little stronger.. Make his destiny all about her and when God takes him away, he won't be afraid because he gave his best effort to do what he felt he was put on this earth to do....L-O-V-E...
Sunday, January 21, 2007
Hanging out in Atlanta with my mother over the weekend, I started to have a grandmother memory. I thought about my father's mother, mostly because my mother and I walked the streets near so many MLK monuments and also when I got home to Cali, my eyes glanced at something my grandmother cherished a great deal. This memory was sort of like a quick flashback of my grandmother, Senora. I remembered when she told me the story of how she was in Dallas when Kennedy was assasinated. She said she was coming out of a nearby store with a friend of hers and as soon as they saw people scattering and voices shouting the president was killed, she and her girlfriend got out of Dallas as quickly as they could. She said to me as she recalled this memory "they killed that boy so I went home and got my bible." The same sort of thing happened when MLK was killed. She said she went into the room, got her bible and prayed. Then many years later as she lay in bed unable to move her own body and unable to really communicate very well, I sat in her bedroom with her watching a news report about JFK Jr. when he died in the plane crash. They showed his face with his birth and death years at the bottom of the screen. Grandma asked "he dead?" I answered yes and noticed as she turned her head in the direction of that same old bible, unable to reach for it, she just gazed at it for a moment and then she closed her eyes... This very same bible that she picked up seemingly whenever something tragic occured as I mentioned is with me now. And as I walked the streets of Atlanta over the weekend with my mother, I couldn't help but think about not only my grandmother, but also about history itself especially as it relates to the recent events of this country seen through the eyes of someone whose lived enough years to experience it all in their own way; me... I got a little bit of history under my belt now but it sure is a blessing to see, hear and talk with someone whose seen and even experienced more than me... To be around history is a powerful thing; living or in spirit...
*note to my ATL friends* ==smile== I'll be back soon.. I just had to do this very special trip for my mother and to show her Atlanta for the first time. It was a very special time, we had a blast and I was proud to show her an important recent accomplishment of mine... *
Saturday, January 13, 2007
Even in the midst of all the booty-booty everywhere, it's nice to be a gentleman... I like doing it most times just because the old fashion, come to the rescue type of acts are filed in the same category as dinosaur bones... It's like an old relic of society as it's become cool to watch a lady struggle while you go on about your business, pull up your sagging pants, step through the door first and let her get the car door herself! Let's step back in time for a moment to today... I played the role of a rescuer, so to speak.. coming to the aid of a lady who just looked way too sad for words... Yeah, she was attractive.. I was guilty of first being motivated by that real time fantasy but I also felt bad for her.. This moment happened at a hand carwash. I guess she didn't want to go to the regular carwash where someone could wash her mini-van for her. She had two kids inside who sat patiently in their car seats. The lady got on her cellphone at first. I got the feeling she was calling her man. Maybe he was supposed to be there for her, washing the car so she wouldn't have to struggle with the kids... She appeared even angrier once she got off the phone. She told the kids to stay inside as she washed the car. It was both sad and funny to see her work the water hose thing and wash her mini-van. She was dressed in black sweats and a baseball cap pulled down over her head. Maybe it was a bad hair day for her but she still looked cute; no make up at all.. After she washed the car she pulled forward in the area where you dry your vehicle. That's when she really looked pissed. She just sat there. The kids sat quietly looking and I imagine they were trying to figure out what was wrong with mommy. I was done wiping off and drying my car. I turned my engine on and looked in her direction. She saw me and gave me a half smile; probably too tired and pissed off to give me the full version of her smile. I motioned for her to roll her window down. First I asked if she was okay. She just shrugged and gave me that half smile again. I said to her "I'll wipe your car for you, alright? You stay inside, no problem.." She was shocked of course because as I said, chivalry is ancient history...
So, I got some of my towels and wiped her mini-van off.. It didn't take long. I noticed her license plate was Louisiana. That gave me a little smile. One of my favorite states to escape to. When I was almost done she got out and said "thank you, I really dont know what to say... I mean, do I tip you? I mean-"
"Nah, I'm cool.. You just seemed like you needed a hand..." I told her.
I got the full version of her smile then and a little disbelieving nod of her head... I told her to hold up so I could give her a copy of my book. I gave her "Love Is Never Painless." I think my story inside is probably perfect timing for her and maybe somewhere out there when she has a moment to read it, she'll smile again... the full version... I drove off after that and she was still in disbelief but seemed very thankful... As I said, it feels good to be a gentleman...
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
Life is soooo uncertain but sometimes you just gotta go for it... I've decided most recently to really take a look at and prepare for my future. To have some kind of security, if you will and to also have fun in the process of making sure all things are secure.. Still, it's at times scary... and then other times my confident spirit kicks in and my focus is intense... I basically know what I want and how to get there but one never knows what's around the corner... or who.. ya just never know anything, basically but you try to prepare and to hopefully learn from the past as well as the present...
New Year's morning I woke up thinking about putting together a little year end review like I typically do but I felt no motivation to do so.. Most of what happened in 2006 I can't really remember.. It's like it's a blur to me and most of it I dont want to remember by making myself remember.. I'd rather it come to me in the form of wisdom..that quiet voice that tells me "yeah, that's a good move.." or "no, dont go there... " So, I'm gonna skip the year end review stuff.. Pretty much the two major cornerstones of this year kind of make everything else a blur and that's the loss of my grandmother and the incredible rejuvenation provided by the trip that I went on during the month of November. I end the year taking major steps toward a dream and hopefully in 2007 a couple more dreams come true as I do my part in working toward making them a reality. Life is scary and it's amazing.. Life is uncertain and it's for real... Life is short and yet it takes forever to reveal what you hope to see... I pray my decisions are good, sound, and right for me... until that blessed time or moment when it becomes right for we...us... yet I can't claim that as part of my focus... not yet..