Monday, February 27, 2006
My three day weekend was heaven... The experiences endless.. The creativity, the lessons, the inspiration, the gorgeous backdrop of possibillities....and the dreams... This was a three day adventure beginning on Friday. I woke up to a challenge which I eluded to in a previous post but then I escaped for a while in the creativity of Tyler Perry. After that it was on... Friday night was blessed by the conversation of a former dream... She was beautiful as always. Then another good friend told me about her moving story that she's working on. I look forward to helping her get her story out there... She deserves the best kind of success...
Saturday I got more inspiration from my good friend Tee C. Royal. I talked to her as I was standing in a crowded Beverly Center Mall wearing my t-shirt which has images of my new book coming out. I was like a standing billboard. People would actually stop in front of me and read my shirt.. It was funny that it was happening as I was deep into the conversation with Tee but I liked it... Then saturday night came and it was time to pick up my friend Kim so we could go chill at the Temple Bar before the incredible Joi hit the stage and just blew us all away... wow... a real true artist... at home onstage...funky...beautiful...the Star Kitty doing her thang! And then across the crowded room my eyes locked with another dream... My friend Jody says I experienced a "rainbow" that unfortunately ended when the night was over... I was separated by the crowd of folks and unwilling to slither my way through the tightness to get to this young lady that maintained her eye contact with me when she wasn't watching the show... We were co-stars as Joi would sing, in our own production but it was a silent experience.. We only spoke with our eyes, punctuated at times with a smile.. She had big eyes.. That's what I remember and I dreamed about her later on as if to say I wasn't done thinking about her...
Sunday was recovery day and then it ended with the magic of conversation, this time enjoyed between myself and my uncle, Richard. Wow... great conversation, sharing memories and stories about family that I'd never heard before... We plan to make more time in the very near future to connect and hangout..visit with other family and learn about our history... It's gonna be fun and I look forward to it.. I haven't had this great a weekend in a while.. I was truly blessed...
And yet dreams can change and cash themselves out as reality checks...
Life and love are basically the same... They throw you some hellified curves and test your strength for even wanting to stick around in this madness but something rises to the top of your very being letting you... no, telling you that you have to withstand any and all obstacles... Step over the pain and keep walking... Lift yourself up even when you're not sure you can... Defy the comfort zone of failure because it is very easy to give up... but you cant because you remember your purpose that defined your sincerest direction ever... Life can be hard but love shouldn't...
"Be careful" I was told tonight. "It's wet outside."
I drove and I heard those words echo in my mind. I kept my eyes focused as I tried to navigate through the fog, the flooded waters streaming down the canyon roads that I passed on my way home, and the rain blowing sideways as I waited for the light to turn green. I needed gas so I stopped. There I stood, shivering from the cold and the rain making my clothes damp. The day/night had been rough for me. A couple of things rocked my foundation. My immune system was low and a cold grabbed a hold of me. I guess its true what they say about the highs and lows, the peaks and valleys. I get angry when I allow something to take away my spirit just as I was angered when over the weekend I'd witness a man destroying a beautiful friend's spirit with hurtful words. This morning I floated on a cloud of great conversation provided by a beautiful friend in Nova Scotia... That was sweet high.. And then disappointment took me down. You ever admire someone so much that you'd give up your most treasured possession just to see them happy? Well, I gave up love...
Putting all your trust in people will surely break your heart. And eventhough it feels like forever, that dont mean you wont drift apart...
-"Co-stars" by Joi
Saturday, February 25, 2006
When something that comes from your heart develops into something bigger than yourself, compromise is a word lost within the universe. The only thing you should reach for is the power with which you believe is equal to the purpose of what you're striving for...
Today was a moving experience.... a test... a challenge to self and then I lost myself in the magic of a beautiful film/story by Tyler Perry called "Madea's Family Reunion." Wow... I was blown away by the power and spirit of this story. All the actors were top notch and did an incredible job. The women of all ages were stunning... The elders moved me to tears. The power of love expressed in this film is what I strive for when writing my own stories... And the inspiration I walked away with was pure strength and believing in the purpose of what I'm after with respect to something very dear to me. I have to thank my friend Tee C. Royal for the equally inspiring and powerful conversation we had after the movie. The cool thing about it was that eventhough she's in Atlanta and I'm out here in LA, we both coincidentally saw this film at the same time today... And she said to me "things happen for a reason."
Thursday, February 23, 2006
I'd given her a name and I'd given her life. Inside my brain she took flight. I imagine her with long hair and a giggly smile. She was so beautiful, she loved to wear dresses. She was truly a young lady. I called her Angelica one week, named her Anastasia another day, and called her Victoria when I thought about the possibility of her having similar initials like mine. She smiled everytime I called her. She listened and hung on every word I'd say. I was the greatest thing in her world and I'd fill her entire soul with love to the point where she'd know that if I were no longer physically around, she'd always have me deep within her heart. Something about her eyes would remind others about me and something about her laughter would cause folks to whisper, Anthony's child... Yes indeed, a dream she was...
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Scottie proved to be as big of an eater as he was a risk taker. He had money so he wasn’t concerned about the size of the meal.
He told me “order what you want Leesha cause I’m about to act like I aint ate since last year! I seen this dude eating one of these hamburgers on the bus the other day and I was about to jack that fool.”
“Nah, for real… That thought went through my mind to take homeboy’s burger ‘cause that shit looked so good. But then I calmed my ass down and just used that as some motivation to make money. Now that I got the money, I can get my own damn hamburger, you feel me.”
I looked at Scottie in disbelief but he was really serious about what he’d said. Not only that but he ended up buying two King Fatburgers, which are their biggest and he got a large soda to wash it all down. I just ordered one burger and some fries. I barely ate all of it so I wrapped it up to take home with me. Since mama don’t care if I eat or not, I could warm my leftover burger up and eat the rest later.
After we finished eating, Scottie asked me if I would just chill with him for a while. I got nervous behind his request, at first.
“What do you mean, go home with you?” I asked.
“Nah…Leesha. There you go, again.”
“How am I supposed to know what you mean?”
“’Cause I’ma tell you what I mean.”
“It’s simple. I was talking bout sitting here a little longer and conversating. I mean, over here you ain’t gotta worry about that fool with the yellow Volkswagon. Plus, we ain’t really get to talk where you could see that I ain’t trying to hook up with you.”
“Okay, what do you want to talk about?”
“Shit, I don’t know… How you doing in school?”
“It’s okay. I’m just trying to get out of there.”
“You gonna wish you was back in school once you get older. School is some real shit if you in there for the right reasons.”
I rolled my eyes as if to warn the world that Scottie was about to start with another excerpt from his philosophy about life.
“Aww, that’s not cool, rolling your eyes. I’ma remember that…”
Scottie’s feelings were hurt so I tried to reach over and touch his hand but he pulled it away. I worried that he was seriously offended but then he started smiling. That smile would become our connection because no matter what would be going on around us or what we were into, once Scottie flashed his smile, the world was alright with me.
"Each day felt like the next because nothing really different was going on. Mama was loving on her Victor and trying to decide whether or not to let him move in. And I spent most of my days sitting on the front steps of our apartment building, watching the ghetto tumbleweed roll down the street..."
-Leesha Annette Tyler
My Life Is All I Have
I took a short cut today; telling myself I would get in a little exercise before I went to work. I decided to walk to the store instead of driving. It's just around the corner so to be honest, it ain't really exercise at all. It rained earlier so the grounds were still wet. I was stepping over trashcan's that had fallen, puddles of water, and wet leaves everywhere. You know; constant reminders that my spoiled butt could be driving over all this debris instead of jumping over it like I was doing.
On my way back home, I stepped over something that caught my eye. How did this possibly get here, I thought to myself. It appeared to be a journal or a diary. I glanced around, thinking that someone might already be headed back this way to look for what they'd lost but I saw no one. I leaned over and picked it up. It looked worn, perhaps by the water damage because as I flipped through the pages I noticed the year written down was 2006. I also noticed that this person had begun writing in this diary in January of 2005.
I searched for the very last entry in the book. I was intrigued though I knew deep down I was intruding upon someone's private thoughts. But hell, this world is all about reality this- and that. Beating everyone over the head with that "keep it real" cliche' has turned into what we base our whole television viewing habits on. I may be in the minority because I tend to seek out more fantasy and mystery as oppose to cold hard reality. But anyway, I checked out what was written. The first few words of the entry put me in the mindset that this person was going through something; a relationship gone wrong sort of thing, which also in today's world happens a little too frequently.
I'm learning how to not care and move on just as you have done with me...
Those words captured me right away. I could relate one hundred percent to that sort of thing. Once again, I took a look around to see if anyone was returning to claim what they had lost. I felt strange and even exposed, standing there on the street corner reading someone's diary. I decided to close the book and take it home. I walked fast. I was anxious to see whatelse this person had to say. I felt uncomfortable and excited knowing I had something that was so sacred to some unknown person. Despite that realization, I was compelled to do this- and I did.
When I got home, I put away the items that I bought and sat down at my kitchen table. I continued where I left off and read the rest of the last entry...
My mind is completely in a state of nothingness at times when I think about the changes we're going through. I'm sounding like some kind of sad, break up love song and I dont mean to. I'm just tired of spending days trying to weed through the bullshit and figure out the truth that is you. I question whether I should find my strength by twisting my direction... Meaning, I used to think I could always feel good about you, continue to celebrate you and your accomplishments but what purpose does that serve when you're so good at removing the connection between us? Remember that bond you placed between you and I? It was something I treasured despite not really buying into the concept of it all. But out of respect to you, I held it deep within my heart and smiled every time I relived the moment in memory. Now I try not to think about it-albeit, unsuccessfully. I guess it's my turn... I'm not as good as you but I'm learning. Hopefully, I wont hate you but right now I really can't say that I like you very much either...I guess that thin line is real...
I leaned back, allowing the words to soak into my consciousness. I could really connect emotionally. I closed my eyes and tried to imagine this person. I couldn't really visualize them but I felt the confusion they were wrestling with. I opened my eyes and thumbed through the pages searching for anything that would reveal their identity. I noticed on the very back, inside the cover was the name of a woman; Oleta Diamond and her address. She lived on a street not too far from mine but I wasn't ready to return the diary to her. I felt like I wanted to understand what brought her to this discovery of sadness. What went right in the beginning and what eventually went wrong though I'm sure that's her question too. It was a way for me to understand my own emotional dilemna because I had the same issues, confusion and anger directed at someone who I not so long ago shared some truly amazing moments with. I closed the diary, took a deep breath and made a mental note. Tonight I would begin learning about Oleta Diamond. I would retrace her mental steps beginning in January 2005. Nice to meet you Oleta...
Sunday, February 19, 2006
Love is like a stranger to me; finding time to walk into my life, sit for a little while and then make excuses to leave like I said the wrong thing. She apologizes and I smirk, halfway believing the drama like a half finished piece of work. The job is messy, especially the lies slippin in and out of each sentence like worn out tires on an SUV threatening to turn over but nah, this is just half truth so she falls on her side, leaving the door open for those chance moments... A moment like "I seen you yesterday, why you couldn't stop and talk for a minute?" What we gonna talk about? Small talk and how you been as an anxious eye searches for any excuse to make a getaway or maybe we're both silently praying the cellphone rings. I got my hands in my pockets. I say "it's good to see you..." and she sighs anxiously like I ended the conversation and its safe for her to leave... She kisses me on the cheek but it aint the same... What happened to those lingering moments? What happened to the laughter between the lip locking? The fascination... all that beautiful mystery is gone... I see her differently too. That means I know her. I dont need to see the extra make-up to catch a spark but I appreciate any extra effort to impress. I buy new clothes so I can look a little different; look nice. I buy you something too so you can smile... I dig that 'cause its a challenge. You gotta try harder to please someone you know and that's actually a beautiful thang... I'm cool on the other side but when I was by your side, that felt right too... Funny how I remember you...
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
A day when memories float by... A day when the sounds of yesterday and yesteryear collide with joy and sadness... A day reminiscing about the heart shaped rose petals on the bed, a stuffed white horse wrapped in silver paper, a mountain top kiss, a snowy retreat, candlelit dinners, sweet potato fries, and driving over a hundred miles to deliver roses.... Giving...loving... thanking..and feeling blessed... A woman recently looked into my eyes and said one word; she said "romance..." She didn't tell me why and I didn't react soon enough to question. I was stunned by the way she said it and imagined myself as transparent. Could this woman see through me; inside me? She saw something in my eyes I suppose but today on this day...February 14th 2006 it ain't there... No reason to be. For today I simply celebrate me. Peace inside my heart... I'm cool just the way I should be...
Sunday, February 12, 2006
Sunday, February 05, 2006
Before we took a step further we talked. We thought about the potential. The footprints we'd leave behind. The russled leaves. The damage to a vein or a tree branch broken. We kept our distance. One of us believed it was for the best and one of us could see the possibility that what we'd share would make the world around us even more beautiful. We could plant for the future. Spend time cultivating something magical. Make a toast to the future everytime we'd inspire each other's smile... One of us believed but the other could not see so one of us lied and agreed that distance was cool... just because and just so that it would be easier...for her...