Sunday, June 20, 2004
Community Of A Heart
Echoes and images
Today was one of those days where my creative spirit and entire soul filled to capacity with experience and inspiration. Words, thoughts, feelings, dreams, fears, love, hope, disapointment, wanting, missing, happiness, sadness, flirtation, celebration, appreciation, teaching, learning, demonstrating, absorbing...looking from within and looking around...
I traveled around my sometimes small weekend world, otherwise known as Los Angeles. Went to a few of my hangout spots. I visited with one of my father's bestfriends from childhood in an attempt to collect old memories. Sometimes folks dont always cooperate. It was a cool visit but I think he was more into complaining about a recent trip he took rather than feeling blessed about something that not everyone can do... Things like the weather and gas prices are beyond my control so it's a rare day that you'll find me complaining about that stuff.
So, I sat back and listened for a couple hours. Whenever I'd speak up, most things that came out of my mouth only sounded like a disagreement. I caught myself a few times. I even sat on my hands so that I'd prevent myself from making that universal hand gesture that translates to "you don't know what the hell you talkin bout!"
I enjoyed the visit despite coming up short on the purpose that I'd hope to explore. Then again, all I needed to do was look inward as I did most of the day, remembering my father. I drove to my next destination, answering a call from deep within. That call came from my stomach because I was hungry! I debated on what I wanted. I peeked my head inside this Fatburger but for some reason I didn't go for it. I didn't order a turkey burger like I'd planned. Instead, I went to the Starbucks next door and got myself a white chocolate mocha and a slice of lemon bundt cake. Not a healthy choice but it cured the hunger.
I sat outside and absorbed my surroundings. I did as a friend told me she does. Listen... Allow words to find you. Be they from nearby conversations or your own personal thoughts. I did that. I overheard the word "community." Someone was talking about black folks in the neighborhood and how no matter how different anyone might be, they should all support each other. This person looked around for acceptance of his statement. He seemed to be hoping for an amen or positive nods of the head from others. I returned to my lemon bundt cake before thinking about a community inside myself. Like a gathering of emotions inside my heart based upon what I may have been through in my life. In a perfect world that has yet to embrace me, I should probably have three kids and a lovely wife by now. I should be getting a giftwrapped tie in the morning and being taken out to dinner for Father's Day by now... But, none of that is the case and depending on those stars in the sky that affect a brotha emotionally and change his mind, right now I'm cool with "not having" those things.
A community of a heart is forever changing, growing, losing, hurting, celebrating... It's a burden and a gift. It's sort of like what Afeni said to Tupac about sensitivity. It's a "blessing and a burden." I feel that constantly as I look back and forward. It's a blessing because it keeps me humble and open.. It's a burden because it causes reaction to pain from previous experiences aka makes you cautious... But no matter how I look at myself, I'd like to think that the imprint is that of a good guy... That which I will remain and with passion too! (smile)