Saturday, November 15, 2008

The Greatest Person May No Longer Be Around..

With time comes destinies defined by what used to be and what we’ve become as a result of our choices made during the journey of living. The life we’ve lived presented to us sometimes as flashbacks because the end could possibly be near. Flashbacks for not only us but those that share the same memories; family, friends, etc. Right now, someone that means everything to me, speaks about the inevitable. She speaks words I don’t wish to hear and express thoughts that I counter with positive outlook. I tell her, why not simply live and not worry so much about how long. I believe she’ll out live expectation but she counters with medical reasoning and responses to treatment given; all of which are probably true but I still look toward the positive; erecting a sense of positive stubborness that’s anchored where it should be; Love... I believe you can remain positive without tossing away reality. I’m not living in denial about the inevitable, I just believe you can squeeze out more minutes, more seconds, more hours, more time, more life… Anything is possible isn’t it? So, the greatest person in the world to me might one day no longer be around and as always she worries about me more than about herself. It’s not the pain from her condition that causes her to toss and turn at night. It’s her concern for what my life will be or become. She’s seen me encounter and endure ups and downs, lows and highs, sometimes successfully and sometimes not. The most recent crossroad had been a tough one to bear but the lessons have been enormous. Through it all, she’s always been here and if it wasn’t for her, I would not be around to express my gratitude. I would not have survived those crossroads and I imagine that’s what concerns her most; future crossroads. Thing is, I know without a doubt that I am better prepared. My strength is a lot less wavering for reasons I hold close to my heart and for reasons that spark memories similar to warning signs resembling journals filled with wise words and revelations from past mistakes; some of those words passed on to me by my mother… I get the feeling that a mother’s life is like one long beautiful sacrifice, flowing not only thru life but carrying on perhaps into the hereafter but I don’t want to consider the hereafter just yet. That’s a hard one to swallow without feeling anxious or wanting to retreat into disbelief while preventing the eyes to well up in tears. Life came too soon. I wish it were still 1974 when I returned home from a couple months of a summer visit spent with my grandparents in Texas. I came back home to Cali with so much weight on my young body that my mother instantly put me on a diet. I remember dinner with less calories and some kind of bread that was almost as thin as paper and tasted nothing like the baked from scratch, toasted with churned butter, straight from the farm biscuits and breads that grandma was cooking me everyday and early evening in Texas. Yeah, if I could put the brakes on time and move it back to then, I would but it can’t be done so now it’s all about squeezing in every second… Squeezing is hard sometimes but I remain prayerful and grateful even when strength becomes that which I attempt to squeeze out the most…

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