Diary

  

I took a short cut today; telling myself I would get in a little exercise before I went to work. I decided to walk to the store instead of driving. It's just around the corner so to be honest, it ain't really exercise at all. It rained earlier so the grounds were still wet. I was stepping over trashcan's that had fallen, puddles of water, and wet leaves everywhere. You know; constant reminders that my spoiled butt could be driving over all this debris instead of jumping over it like I was doing.

On my way back home, I stepped over something that caught my eye. How did this possibly get here, I thought to myself. It appeared to be a journal or a diary. I glanced around, thinking that someone might already be headed back this way to look for what they'd lost but I saw no one. I leaned over and picked it up. It looked worn, perhaps by the water damage because as I flipped through the pages I noticed the year written down was 2006. I also noticed that this person had begun writing in this diary in January of 2005.

I searched for the very last entry in the book. I was intrigued though I knew deep down I was intruding upon someone's private thoughts. But hell, this world is all about reality this- and that. Beating everyone over the head with that "keep it real" cliche' has turned into what we base our whole television viewing habits on. I may be in the minority because I tend to seek out more fantasy and mystery as oppose to cold hard reality. But anyway, I checked out what was written. The first few words of the entry put me in the mindset that this person was going through something; a relationship gone wrong sort of thing, which also in today's world happens a little too frequently.

I'm learning how to not care and move on just as you have done with me...

Those words captured me right away. I could relate one hundred percent to that sort of thing. Once again, I took a look around to see if anyone was returning to claim what they had lost. I felt strange and even exposed, standing there on the street corner reading someone's diary. I decided to close the book and take it home. I walked fast. I was anxious to see whatelse this person had to say. I felt uncomfortable and excited knowing I had something that was so sacred to some unknown person. Despite that realization, I was compelled to do this- and I did.

When I got home, I put away the items that I bought and sat down at my kitchen table. I continued where I left off and read the rest of the last entry...

My mind is completely in a state of nothingness at times when I think about the changes we're going through. I'm sounding like some kind of sad, break up love song and I dont mean to. I'm just tired of spending days trying to weed through the bullshit and figure out the truth that is you. I question whether I should find my strength by twisting my direction... Meaning, I used to think I could always feel good about you, continue to celebrate you and your accomplishments but what purpose does that serve when you're so good at removing the connection between us? Remember that bond you placed between you and I? It was something I treasured despite not really buying into the concept of it all. But out of respect to you, I held it deep within my heart and smiled every time I relived the moment in memory. Now I try not to think about it-albeit, unsuccessfully. I guess it's my turn... I'm not as good as you but I'm learning. Hopefully, I wont hate you but right now I really can't say that I like you very much either...I guess that thin line is real...

I leaned back, allowing the words to soak into my consciousness. I could really connect emotionally. I closed my eyes and tried to imagine this person. I couldn't really visualize them but I felt the confusion they were wrestling with. I opened my eyes and thumbed through the pages searching for anything that would reveal their identity. I noticed on the very back, inside the cover was the name of a woman; Oleta Diamond and her address. She lived on a street not too far from mine but I wasn't ready to return the diary to her. I felt like I wanted to understand what brought her to this discovery of sadness. What went right in the beginning and what eventually went wrong though I'm sure that's her question too. It was a way for me to understand my own emotional dilemna because I had the same issues, confusion and anger directed at someone who I not so long ago shared some truly amazing moments with. I closed the diary, took a deep breath and made a mental note. Tonight I would begin learning about Oleta Diamond. I would retrace her mental steps beginning in January 2005. Nice to meet you Oleta...

Copr.2006