Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Dealing with it...
Days and nights on the front porch with my man Jessie, I began to learn what made him tick though I'm sure he figured me out long before I reached any conclusions about him. We both shared life experiences thru conversation that was not only a trip for me to even divulge such personal stuff but also mind blowing to hear what another man been through from a different era. His situations sounded a whole lot like mine with the exception of his successful relationship with his lady. Thing is, I caught Jessie at a time in his life when he was battling a much different kind of opponent and there were times when he wasn't taking it on the chin and getting back up again like he would preach to me so many times. Frustration set in. He would be talking crazy like he looked forward to joining his wife where she was much more than enjoying what time he had left in this world. Sometimes I had to throw verbal bricks in his pathway. Meaning, I had to say things that might cause him to step back and think; sort of like what he would do to me whenever wisdom filled responses would enter his mind after I said something stupid. I get angry when out of frustration he'll warn me about the ways of the world and keeping myself together so I won't make the same mistakes I've made in the past; stuff that I would sometimes regret ever sharing with him. I lashed out a few times. The last time I caught him off guard.
I said, "I'm supposed to be afraid to live just because you afraid to die? If you frustrated and getting scared because your days are numbered then you need to just admit to what you feeling and deal with it!"
Jessie just looked at me and then a smirk came upon his face. He nodded his head a few times and then said in a husky voice, "okay, okay..." He cleared his throat and said the same thing one more time. After that moment, a few weeks went by and everything seemed cool but there were hints of the same frustrations coming out; little sly comments and remarks but I figured that's just the way it is when a man's been told that life could be ending soon. Until he comes to grip with his journey and the realization that there's always an end, he's just gonna keep planting seeds of self-pity. It's kind of like his garden will grow so fast that he'll lose himself deep inside all that selfish pride to where no one can find the true blessing of what he'd eventually leave behind. They always say with respect to money that you can't take it with you. Well, in the case of what's truly the most important; it does go with you. I'm talking about the wisdom carried through life experiences, the stories from what your eyes have seen during your lifetime, and every emotional step along the way. To me there's a lot more nuances to living than that final submission to death.
Lynwood and Jessie