L-O-V-E

This morning I received an email with the title "Love Took The Change Out Of Me." I kept lookin at those words and was thinking that something looked awful familiar about it. Then I realized it was a title of a chapter that I had written in my story "Love Is 2 Blame," which is featured in the Love Is Never Painless anthology... I started to smile because once again I had received another beautiful response to my story. This lady told me that that last chapter was very inspirational for her so she had to email me and let me know. That's an incredible feeling and one that I've been experiencing just about everyday for the past three weeks thanks to everyone emailing me about how much the story has touched them... The emotions in that story are very real, some of the words taken from my own experiences, the feelings taken from my own hopes, dreams and disappointments, the characters....my imagination...

I have to send a shoutout to this young lady named Keysha who said my story inspired her to make a life decision.. Her decision was not to choose a relationship(s) she was unsure of but to instead choose herself. From what I could tell based on the options she mentioned, she made the best choice for her...

Love is something you gotta be sure about 'cause love is to blame for everything... good and bad..

Dreamgirl experience..

Tonight I had a pretty interesting and funny, movie experience... Dreamgirls... ahhh... beautiful people up on the screen but the most enjoyable part for me was before the movie. I typically am amazed by the action before the film starts. Watching folks decide where they're gonna sit and seeing everybody involved in various conversations. I also always seem to have the loudest popcorn eater sit right behind me. I dont know why that always happens. Tonight was no exception to all of that except this felt more like a concert audience than a movie audience with all the various outfits, beautiful women, and men trying to be too cool.. There were definitely some fine looking ladies and one gigantic haired lady with a super skinny body trying to find a seat. I'm grateful she sat nowhere near me because her hair/afro was just way too big.. Then I also noticed this really fine latina with long dark hair and brooding eyes walking up the steps and coming in my direction. She eye'd the seats next to me so I had a feeling that's where she was gonna sit. As she got closer I realized the big football looking brotha behind her was with her too. I didn't recognize him though we nodded at each other but the stunning latina I did recognize. I'll throw out the name(Ice La Fox) though most reading this will still not know who I speak of...lol.. As the movie was playing I had to look at her a couple times not because I recognized her but because thank God the seats next to her were empty because she was acting like she was seven feet tall and couldn't get her legs in a comfortable position. Sometimes she sat up, other times she stretched out...back and forth... and the big brotha just sipped his drink, yawned a lot and sat unmoved by what was showing on the screen...

Ahhh..Dreamgirls... For me personally, ummm.. it was okay... I wasn't moved by what I saw either though I enjoyed some of the music. I loved seeing everybody on the screen that was there. The casting was perfect but I just wasn't really feeling it completely or at least not enough to walk out of the theatre wanting to tell everyone they must see it. I liked it enough to say "hey check it out because you'll probably like it more than I did" *smile* but for me something was missing just as it was with that Will Smith movie... That certain something that just hits you, makes you feel like you're watching something amazing, grabs you emotionally sort of like what Jamie did in Ray. Dreamgirls wasn't it for me but I'm sure folks will love it.. Hopefully anyone seeing it wont be distracted by loud popcorn eating or laughter whenever the characters breakout in song.. Seems like some audiences today dont realize or recognize what a "musical" is. They forget that in telling the story, the characters sing... it's a musical..

Anyway, I did see a really funny preview tonight for a new movie coming with Chris Rock. It's called "I Think I Love My Wife" or something like that and it looks like something that folks can relate to... temptation and how to deal with it...or not.. *smile*

Happy fabulous Christmas to everyone.. The year is almost over... We lost the Godfather of Soul on Christmas Day.. RIP, James Brown.. Life continues on though, doesn't it? It' amazing all that we have these days.. the technology and the world at our fingertips.. The kind of information and advances to allow for learning a lot faster but human behavior and various mentalities really prevent society from truly making a step forward.. Personally, I think our best days and times our behind us.. I'm sure we're gonna have fun and do big thangs in this "keepin it real" world but back in the day was the real fun that admittedly we took for granted, during my time, before my time and probably generations ago but as a person who is growing quite fond of the past, it's never too late to recognize just what we had.. Yeah, we had issues with the whole civil rights stuff and all sorts of other movements.. Crimes being committed on people of color but despite all that, family was important and love mean't a great deal.. People of color went hand in hand with people of strength even when we of today's times misinterpretted those moments of strength..

Today, I had fun reminiscing with someone about pancakes.. This person talked about how her mother in Arkansas made her pancakes with the slightly crunchy edges.. *smile* I love those too.. I often did that by mistake even when I was trying to make pancakes like they do at the restaurant, so smooth and light... All that talk of pancakes reminded me of the summers I spent in Mt. Pleasant(east Texas) with my grandparents.. My grandmother(Senora) spoiled me with fresh milk straight from the cow, fresh eggs that I sometimes picked out myself, and pancakes made from scratch.. Some real country cooking on the farm.. She put some pounds on me so when I got back home in LA my mother would put me on a diet right away... Incredible days, sweet memories...

This past week I've been in touch with a relative that I never met before. He called me all the way from Delaware. A man named James Royal originally from Daingerfield, Texas with an incredible amount of information about family going way way back. The information is really something and of course it points out we weren't a perfect people but we were strong.. We were hardworkers. We owned and developed some beautiful land but typically the most fascinating stories are the ones about the drugs, crime, affairs of the heart, etc etc.. James shared with me information about his great grandfather Ben Royal born in 1860. This man had a white father and it's assumed that his mixed features were what made him attractive to women because he had plenty and took advantage of this constantly.. He fathered many many children, some of them with relatives like an attractive cousin or a sister-in-law that caught his eye. And all these women lived pretty close to him, sometimes even living on the same farm which he did very well at.. Most men back then and in these areas of east Texas had farms. There were even some women who did very well in these small towns.. We always hear about the struggles of black people back in the day but somehow there was folks making money and doing very well in spite of those struggles and predjudices.. My great great grandmother Mariah was described in one of the documents that James found as "Rivers family matriarch, Mariah, was a woman of substance and ingenuity with vast land holdings and a church named in her honor." She first built the church herself after slavery ended. The church still bears her name today but the tradition is being lost to the new generation who chooses to forget rather than to honor... That's the problem today... folks make the choice to forget thinking the past wasn't cool or had no relation to what's going on now.. My next book shows how incredible the past was and how it's so much a part of what some wish for today, everyday; wondering what happened to love...true love... Until Again is some powerful stuff and it came to be that way because I've chosen not to forget... My choice is a discovery that I wish I had made many many years ago.. I think if I had, I'd be a lot farther along in life but no matter because it still feels good.. You want excitement, love, danger, strength, happiness, sadness, passion, romance, tragedy, perseverence...look to the past..

Christmas traditional no longer..

Christmas eve I woke up feeling lazy but that feeling couldn't stop me from getting up, getting dressed and making my way from the valley to the city. I had to go in the direction that I'd travel for many years in the past to visit my grandmother.. Only this time the tradition included a detour... I can't go over to Adams Blvd and take the elevator up to my grandmother's apartment where the smell of good holiday food would hit you the moment you got off the elevator. I'd also hear the sounds of my grandmother's voice, my aunt Tamer's voice, my mother's voice, and maybe a few other's like uncle Charles and Richard and aunt Dee Dee. all those voices blending together to make up that familiar sound known as family.. Then you can add a few extra ingredients like my presence, cousin Vaughn and my other uncle Bubba... That tradition is one that was so familar and so always a part of every Christmas experience that like most things you do unconsciously you end up taking for granted as to how much those moments meant to you... Just thinking about those times allows me to hear those voices so clearly and smell the heavenly aroma of turkey and dressing, football game on the television, sitting out on the balcony, "fixing" a plate of food, my official job as potato salad taste tester, delicious bread pudding with the delicious sauce that my grandmother always made so good.. I got her recipe so I know how to make it but it ain't the same as when she used to make it all the time... Christmas past is no longer... As I said, this time the tradition included a detour... No longer traveling to Adams near Western but instead to the cemetery on Washington Blvd. where my grandmother was put to rest... I spent time with her spirit though I know she's all around me and always there looking down... I like to make sure she knows she's always in my thoughts as I whispered a Merry Christmas to her, brushed off the headstone and continued my day, driving off while listening to some Donny Hathaway and other old soul classics that reminded me of years gone by...

To be missed and missing..

I'm home from watching the latest Will Smith movie.. I already knew the story so basically I just wanted to "watch." I was hoping for a feel good type of story.. I can't really say it was that.. Mostly it just had me feeling and recognizing how close we all are to being out there on the street with no place to stay... The old cliche' "a paycheck away from homelessness" or something to that affect.. I dont know... Plus, I had recently made trips to downtown LA and took pictures of life down there in areas where homelessness is rampant... The lines for shelters are scary.. People lined up in droves, wrapped around several blocks.. scary... So, I couldn't feel completely good about the movie.. I enjoyed Will Smith's kid who was too cute but I waited basically for the happy ending so I could walk out of the movie feeling good.. I didn't really get it but on my way back to my car as I exited the theatre and walked through the mall, dodging a sea of white faces, some trying to bump into me and others just giving me mean looks, a tall brotha walking with his fine sistah said hello as if we knew each other and it felt good. There was my feel good ending... Dude looked like he belonged to some professional basketball team and he made me proud for that couple seconds of greeting and wishing each other well. No disrespect to anybody else but when I get a warm greeting by a black person it feels damn good...

Anyway, I did a little midnight car washing because my car was dirty and I want to wake up to a clean car tomorrow on Christmas Eve. Washing my car gives me time to think though the subject on my mind had been there for a couple days now as I found myself missing someone; an old friend... A friend who I spent Christmas with last year and really enjoyed her company. I sent her an email the other day wishing her well and letting her know that I hope she's having a great holiday season. Her response was a thank you but I could tell her heart probably wasn't in it.. You know how you can feel a certain coldness to words.. Her thank you felt real chilly...lol.. It doesn't hurt because I understand but I had to try and say hello to her because as I said, I miss her and her friendship.. We shared a lot of great walks and talks together. I took her to her first Prince concert. She's a great lady doing great things, I hope.. We crossed the line though we disagree on that perceived line... She wanted more than I did... More than friendship.. I just couldn't see us as more... We shared hugs, we shared a certain closeness and came close to that ultimate closeness, if you will but we didn't... A mistake on both of our parts but I like to think that as adults you can handle things like that. Her perceived line was crossed and she read too much into things I had written during that time which caused feelings to be hurt... She was done with me and still is.... but nevertheless, I miss her and wish her well... I dont seek forgiveness, though.. but I do apologize for the uncomfortable-ness I may have placed inside her heart... In my opinion, real true friendship should never end unless there's a real good reason... I can't recollect any good reason.. All I remember are the great times... take care old friend... :-)

Life is as it should...

Once upon a time I was with a woman who I loved in a way that was bigger than love itself.. She was my everything and all the cliches' wrapped up into one... I felt like I truly had a woman and I actually belonged to someone.. I'd overheard her saying to someone "that's my man!" and she said it with pride and I loved her even more for that... Then in the end, she forgot.. She took love for granted.. She allowed her life and others around her to flip the script, so to speak.. She got comfortable in taking me for granted and laughing at the fact that she could break my heart... Years later she's asking questions which are disguised... She's feeling me out for the possibility of getting back together but how can I when I remember the end... How can I when I remember being treated like shit? I remember being put in the back of all her decisions... The girls came first, then "me time," then trips somewhere else so she could getaway.. Then she'd come back and brag about being away yet I did nothing to crowd her space... She accused me of not being there for her and when she gave me that final blow of kicking me to the curb as I drove her to work in the early morning, she smiled at the fact that she left me sitting in the car in tears... It made her proud of herself... How do you return to that sort of thing? How do you repair enough trust to go back? Forgiveness only provides enough space for the makings of a possible friendship... Phone calls and concern for well being.. It's hard to forget when you're treated like shit... That odor in your soul that's left behind dont go away so easily... nah mean? I can forgive but I can't forget... Then I think about life as it is now and all the growth I've experienced in just being a man over the years.. It feels good, it feels great... A brotha on the move, thinking about his future, setting things up so he can enjoy perhaps an early retirement from the 9 to 5 one day... I'm on the verge of doing as I like to say "dreamstyle" things... A project in the works that I can't reveal but it's such a dream come true. Something I can be extremely proud of and say "I did it all by myself!" And then I can show my mother and let her enjoy it too, whenever she chooses... The only real thing I miss right now is my grandmother, Alzata Moorings but I bet she's proud too.. And one day soon, another dream will come true... My epic story.. Until Again.. released in a big way thanks to all the love and very special help that holds me up, keeps me lifted, and inspired...Thanks to Tee... I'm on a humble mission to simply live a good life.... no BS... no time wasting drama... no foolishness... I just wanna live a good life with passion and appreciation... From the heart... From the soul... I bleed with sincerity and respect...Dreamstyle..