Mother's Day for me was reminiscent of most days lately.. Like daily revisits to the time capsule. Without really trying, I find myself thinking about the past and visualizing each moment so strongly that I can literally transport myself back. It just happens and it's not like an enjoyment thing. It happens because I see my mother struggling, battling and holding on. I wish for the days and years gone by to return. I never imagined a time like this would cause me to see my own life flash before me but maybe that's because such a major transition is around the corner. It's been quite a ride too; my life. Filled with so many emotional ups and downs, extremes, near deaths, dream come trues, dreams destroyed, celebrations, frustrations, exhaustions, exhilarations, etc.. And I constantly miss the road leading to my grandmother's house in Texas. A house of peace and rejuvenation that I've never felt anywhere else. I miss being able to go there and wish I could right now for the healing, rejuvenation and peace... I wish I could take my mother there right now.
Sometimes, I look back a couple years and wonder if I made a big mistake by selling such an incredible piece of family history. At the time it seemed and felt like the right thing to do for other reasons, not so much financial but because of the change I'd seen in the small town and the lack of being able to trust individuals who I looked upon to simply be good neighbors. That trust factor has always been a thorn in my side. I've made many mistakes by throwing caution to the wind and trusting blindly. I've paid hugely as a result. The lessons have been tremendous. Maybe this route I took to get to where I am now was necessary but I can't help but wonder what it would be like if I didn't sell. If I remained patient and ignored the changes around what was my own piece of heaven on Tennison Road. I sold history and though it may be a far fetched dream at this point, if I ever have the opportunity to get it back, I would without hesitation. Maybe one day in heaven I'll see the image that once was when we used to make that left turn down Tennison from the highway, drive down a few feet and turn left into the driveway; pull inside and the first thing you'd hear would be the moo of a cow followed by the slam of an old screen door and a beautiful southern voice saying "hey there!" My grandma would say and then smile real big with that gold tooth shining.
Today I sat with my mother at the hospital. She was there for a procedure. I watched as she struggled to drink a solution she needed for a test and then I watched as she looked at her hands. She said she could feel the "neuropathy" setting in. Just seeing her do that transported me back in time to where we were in east Texas on the fourth of July. It was hot but it didn't matter. When the night set in, you could see and hear fireworks in the distance. We watched from the front porch of the original house that my grandparents lived in at the time before my father eventually built a new house there. My mother decided to join in on the fireworks by tossing firecrackers. She'd light it and then toss. She kept doing one after the other until one she held a little bit too long and it exploded in her fingers. She was in obvious pain, opening and closing her hand; moving her fingers about. She recovered quickly and we continued watching the show in the sky. Today there's no recovery. The pain remains constant. Comfort is only temporary....
That's how it is for me right now.. life flashing before my eyes, memories coming from nowhere.. constant reminders of all that I've learned, things that I've seen, time that's wasted, time that's appreciated.. the good, the bad, the ugly, the wonderful, the deceiving, the celebration of life.. for there is a lot to celebrate but right now it's pretty rough... a tough test of inner strength...
