That Moment

There are split seconds of unconscious times that a camera cannot always capture. Mostly that happens because individuals become conscious of the fact that something is being pointed at them so they react in some way, either embracing the fact that they're being photographed or putting up a defense while reluctantly submitting to being captured by image/photograph. Anyway, I say this to say that yesterday, as I enjoyed spending time with family at the gathering/repass of my mother, I noticed in one split second as I looked in the direction of my uncle Cecil "Bubba" Moorings that he in his moment of expression looked exactly like his mother, my grandmother, Alzata Moorings.. It was one of those moments when I wished I had my camera but I knew that if I attempted to take the shot, he would've noticed and the expression would've disappeared. I often wonder when moments like that happen, are we simply being visited by the loved one that's passed on. was my grandmother there in some way. I believe she was and perhaps my mother was two alongside of her; both probably enjoying the love and togetherness of family. I hope we can share that love again very soon not only because of a passing but more so in remembrance and celebration of those watching over us as well as us taking care of each other right here on earth... My uncle Bubba said to me, "we gonna make it.. we gonna get thru this.." and I believe we will, though our hearts will forever wish, want and miss those that have passed on... most notably, Natalie(my cousin), Alzata(my grandmother), and now my mom, Gloria.

Gloria Ann Rivers: Part Two

I can remember ten years ago seeing my mother on the couch, holding a picture of my father in her hands. I knew the reason without her saying anything. He'd passed on at the young age of 57 and in between that moment and today, time has flown by with various ups and downs, good moments, highs and lows; life lessons one after the other. Now here I am with my turn to hold the picture on what feels like a Black Tuesday; the day of my mother's memorial service.

I'd been feeling like a whole was placed inside my body the last week. I wasn't sure what to do or where to go. All I could hear were words of concern and talk about being strong. Those words mostly came from me and from voices that I hear from time to time in my head. I could also hear my mother and see her face; sometimes a smile and other times a smirk as she loved to do. She was a strong minded opinionated woman with a very large soft side too... I'm gonna miss every ounce of her personality but I know somehow I'll feel her spirit, her concern, her love for she was forever and always doing just that; being concerned and giving her love...

Now, though I started this day feeling like it would be Black Tuesday, thanks to my family, Tamer, Charles, Bubba, Mildred, Johnnie(her voice reminds me of Texas and all my ancestors), Vaughn, Dee Dee, Chris, my uncle/brother Richard, Sylvia, beautiful Lorna, David Jackson and Tyrone Griffin(two heros of mine) and a whole lot of friends and other family, this day was beautiful and the memorial, truly special... I'm so grateful for the service given by special friend, Rev. Daryl Street and family member Rev. A.K. Brown. It was a beautiful occasion and one that I believe my mother would be surprised and very proud of. I don't believe she imagined many would come but the turnout was tremendous and I'm forever grateful to all that came. My mother is at peace and now she can be peacefully proud.

I'm also forever grateful to my auntie Tamer for all that she did and has done for my mother even long before this cancer came into our lives. My mother has always been proud and always excited about the special bond and special moments that the two have shared together. Tamer Ruth Moorings, my mother's special and beautiful sister. She did my mom proud and truly took care of her until their mom(Alzata Moorings) came and showed her the way to heaven... God Bless...

Thanks to all Texas family that visit this blog; College Station, Mt. Pleasant, Houston, Dangerfield, Bryan, Longview, Gladewater, Dallas, etc. Hope you know that Gloria Ann Rivers was a very proud Texan and I carry on that part of her spirit with pride... Today for the memorial service, I played a different version of the video tribute to my mother. Hope you enjoy and also visit the previous posts, saluting my mommy... Love forever and always... son.. V. Anthony Rivers III

Gloria Ann Rivers

How does one pay tribute to someone who gave them every ounce of life.. The memories that collide with one another deep inside my head and heart feel overwhelming at times. I try to be strong in the face of wanting to simply stop and cry but my mother is indeed in a better place right now, resting in peace. Though if her afterlife is anything like her life here on earth, she probably aint resting. Instead, she's writing up budget plans, taking notes, and putting enough money to the side so that she can enjoy a twice a month trip to the nearest casino to play bingo. Or maybe there's some sit and knit sessions going on in heaven. My mother didn't rest much until the powers that be placed cancer upon her shoulders and she had to take it easy, do a little less, cut back on those long drives out of town. I had two parents who loved to hit the highway and head to the promise land of east Texas and beyond. They passed that down to me. I live for moments on the road but I've had to stay close so I could be there for her.

Last year on June 23rd, my mother was diagnosed with gastric cancer. She fought hard and cooperated with all involved. She was a sweetheart in the midst of her frustration. She always questioned, why her and why now? She'd finally found HAPPINESS in a huge way. She wasn't without worry because I was around, working her nerves though not on purpose. *smile* Despite that, my mother found so much joy and purpose during what is now her very short retirement, cut even shorter. She just made five years after working so hard previously and putting in long long hours on the job. Sacrifice, dedication, love, concern, doing the best she could for me.. Every sense of the crown known as Motherhood, she displayed. She wasn't always a rock of gibraltar per se but she remained a constant cornerstone of support and caring, which always preceded her familiar sayings like "I tell you, Anthony Rivers" and "Oh God!" making you feel like the support might not come but it always did... always...



My imagination need not stretch when thinking about my mother. The memories are as complex as a Shakespeare play and as simple as an Isley Brothers groove circa the late seventies. I typically find myself wanting to go back in time and now is no exception. I would rob time if it meant I could go backwards to spend more moments with the love ones no longer here. Now that my mother is gone from this earth, I wish that to the tenth power... Life aint always fair but life is what it is.... time that doesn't always act in our favor. The only way to make it somewhat feel favorable is to take a little bit from my mother's consistent direction of prepare, stay prepared and never let a rainy day sneak up on you... She was prepared even for death despite the end in which the pain was severe and the mind not always clear. She handled it as best she could... Her sense of preparation reminded me of intuition. My mother’s intuition was a beautiful and blessed thing even when she still reluctantly allowed me to swim upstream against negative currents, go my own way, make my own choices, I still had her L-O-V-E. And along with it, she gave me a piece; a large chunk of her mind; advising me on what was good, what was wrong.. She’d give me her opinion on my choices; those that I allowed in my life that might bring strife. Mother’s intuition; she was right but I had to go my own way. Stubbornness pulls you that way sometimes... The best part though, is that in the end she found me happy, making the right decisions and allowing the right someone into my life…. someone she loved and approved of… someone she trusts and smiles at the mere sound and mention of the name… That’s an incredible feeling, blessing, honor and she was there too, with me as my mother joined my grandmother in heaven… My aunt Tamer said she prayed for Mother(Alzata) to come down and take her daughter with her to heaven and I believe she did... Love is that powerful and as they say, always on time... Rest in peace and love and I'll try my best to listen to every word of your wisdom... Love, Son

Words To Come Later...

I felt her when she left this earth... today, my mother died....

Life-Decisions-Time

I rush home to check on her. She struggles to breathe. Her heart is weak. Her chest resembling forced movement. By the grace of God, she's still in motion. I look in her eyes when she opens them. She's not completely there. Disoriented. Confused. Bewildered. Descriptions that never could be placed upon my mother at any point in her life yet now, close to the end, this is how it is. Decisions now placed upon me that she warned and prepared me for. She always knew how it would go and I did too but when it's your mom, a whole different perspective rides on your shoulders. I've seen the end stages before in dealing with both grandmothers but especially on my father's side; Senora Rivers. I was blessed with my mother to be the buffer during that time in my life but this time I'm somehow finding strength through experience and faith, family and love... I clutch tightly to all that keeps me going and very grateful for that which keeps me inspired to move forward in the midst of what will come tomorrow... remembrance and sorrow...

Torture of some kind...

So much discussion about a memo of torture these days. Cheney defends the nonsense. Obama just wants it to go away so he can deal with more pressing issues. He’s got other very capable folks to handle the thorns in one’s side so he can move forward instead of side ways; stepping around all the BS. I’ve got my own personal torture and unlike Obama, mine is inevitable. Nothing is more pressing than to watch your own mother in the stages of losing a tough battle against cancer. She’s strong. She finds ways to smile and joke about something but at the same time I can hear the pain, which is constant. I see the shortness of breath. She can no longer get around or do for self. And it came out of nowhere; this recent deterioration. Last month she was doing somewhat okay. She could get around, she could eat and drink. Now, she’s shutting down. Time is few… This is real torture. Torture of the heart and soul. I thank God for my mother and I thank her for trying her best to prepare me for this time. As she’s gone thru this battle, she’s tried very hard to explain each part of the process to me. She worries about my life ahead of me but I believe I’ll be fine. Besides all that she’s done for me recently, the last two years of my life have been such a major lesson that in a lot of ways I can see the value of its experience despite the amount of negativity involved. I’m a stronger and hopefully wiser person for it. I allowed individuals to come into my life and control it’s direction. I turned a deaf ear to those who really and truly care, not to mention I forgot all promises made to myself. The downfall was huge but I discovered so much during my descent, which provided me with temporary wings, allowing me to return to the surface of sound thinking. Time is precious…

Mother's Day

Mother's Day for me was reminiscent of most days lately.. Like daily revisits to the time capsule. Without really trying, I find myself thinking about the past and visualizing each moment so strongly that I can literally transport myself back. It just happens and it's not like an enjoyment thing. It happens because I see my mother struggling, battling and holding on. I wish for the days and years gone by to return. I never imagined a time like this would cause me to see my own life flash before me but maybe that's because such a major transition is around the corner. It's been quite a ride too; my life. Filled with so many emotional ups and downs, extremes, near deaths, dream come trues, dreams destroyed, celebrations, frustrations, exhaustions, exhilarations, etc.. And I constantly miss the road leading to my grandmother's house in Texas. A house of peace and rejuvenation that I've never felt anywhere else. I miss being able to go there and wish I could right now for the healing, rejuvenation and peace... I wish I could take my mother there right now.

Sometimes, I look back a couple years and wonder if I made a big mistake by selling such an incredible piece of family history. At the time it seemed and felt like the right thing to do for other reasons, not so much financial but because of the change I'd seen in the small town and the lack of being able to trust individuals who I looked upon to simply be good neighbors. That trust factor has always been a thorn in my side. I've made many mistakes by throwing caution to the wind and trusting blindly. I've paid hugely as a result. The lessons have been tremendous. Maybe this route I took to get to where I am now was necessary but I can't help but wonder what it would be like if I didn't sell. If I remained patient and ignored the changes around what was my own piece of heaven on Tennison Road. I sold history and though it may be a far fetched dream at this point, if I ever have the opportunity to get it back, I would without hesitation. Maybe one day in heaven I'll see the image that once was when we used to make that left turn down Tennison from the highway, drive down a few feet and turn left into the driveway; pull inside and the first thing you'd hear would be the moo of a cow followed by the slam of an old screen door and a beautiful southern voice saying "hey there!" My grandma would say and then smile real big with that gold tooth shining.

Today I sat with my mother at the hospital. She was there for a procedure. I watched as she struggled to drink a solution she needed for a test and then I watched as she looked at her hands. She said she could feel the "neuropathy" setting in. Just seeing her do that transported me back in time to where we were in east Texas on the fourth of July. It was hot but it didn't matter. When the night set in, you could see and hear fireworks in the distance. We watched from the front porch of the original house that my grandparents lived in at the time before my father eventually built a new house there. My mother decided to join in on the fireworks by tossing firecrackers. She'd light it and then toss. She kept doing one after the other until one she held a little bit too long and it exploded in her fingers. She was in obvious pain, opening and closing her hand; moving her fingers about. She recovered quickly and we continued watching the show in the sky. Today there's no recovery. The pain remains constant. Comfort is only temporary....

That's how it is for me right now.. life flashing before my eyes, memories coming from nowhere.. constant reminders of all that I've learned, things that I've seen, time that's wasted, time that's appreciated.. the good, the bad, the ugly, the wonderful, the deceiving, the celebration of life.. for there is a lot to celebrate but right now it's pretty rough... a tough test of inner strength...

May Day

The first day of May has become an interesting one as I like to head downtown and experience the protest march/rally that typically goes on. Most times it felt more like a celebration of the past and continued efforts of marching on behalf of workers rights. When I went last year, the turnout was much larger but this time was still just as vocal and enthusiastic despite the smaller crowds. One thing that grabbed my attention and the focus of my camera was the punk rock band playing on the corner, surrounded very tightly by onlookers. I could barely squeeze in the shots but I got a few good ones... I liked their energy and sound...

Thinking & Wondering..

More times than not, I'm blown away by human behavior or better yet, human disguise. The way folks treat each other, the way a lie feels more comfortable than truth, disrespect a function of not only the youth but everybody fifty on down to two! But a child knows no better unless taught so how about the many grown folks out there? How do we teach those who should already know? Or is this the downward never-ending spiral headed toward oblivion filled with minds whose mission it is to forever wreck havoc on those who simply want to live good, live free, live whole and complete. These folks are like unnecessary speed bumps on the road of life. Or perhaps they're not unnecessary because eventually you learn something. The trick is to not become that which frustrates the hell out of you thereby putting yourself under the cloak of hypocrisy. Like for example, I'm calling the bank wanting to payoff something, they send me an extension. This happens three times after speaking with three different people. I'm waiting for somebody to get it right. I don't know; maybe the word "payoff" or "purchase" isn't the politically correct term in 2009? Then on top of that, I'm still dealing with someone who swears by their word to get something done but in a month or two it'll be two years since they uttered the words, "I promise, this will be resolved by next week." Yeah, next week two years ago...I shake my head. It's become comical at this point. I often wonder why so many refuse to recognize the beauty, the power, the satisfaction of being true to your word, honest in your actions and reactions, and just being good to those you encounter. It makes life so much easier but it's like traffic that keeps stopping for no reason except that some place, somewhere out there, somebody is screwing things up by being self-centered and not recognizing that there's more to this world than themselves. Tunnel vision has become a serious disease. Folks who've lost all peripheral vision and only see themselves in the realm of everything! A good friend of mine who happens to be a very talented author along with just being a great person is experiencing the frustration of dealing with individuals who possess a talent for not delivering on simple promises. Every day they promise to deliver what's written in contract but consistently fall on excuses for the month to month to month delays... I wish her well in her struggle to get things resolved because no one deserves the silliness of waiting on someone to get it right and abide by simple uncomplicated honesty... The beautiful flow of life often gets re-routed by the heartless few but those are the same ones most likely to be introduced to karma.. what comes around... etc.

Still Interlude...

Vacation Imagination

She acts like she's leaving on a trip somewhere soon.. A vacation where she needs all her bags. She's talking about papers that need filing, make sure you do this and that, here's a folder for this and that.. She's sure she wont be around yet I say, why not appreciate each day and linger your mind in the belief that it feels good to be alive, no matter how short, how long, breathing, living, watching the world in all it's beauty and craziness, sadness and celebration, turn and continue.. But she doesn't.. she's focused on not being here.. She's waiting for the air conditioned bus, like going on weekend trip to Vegas to play bingo. Only difference is, that one returns..

Another Personal Year Gone By

3-31 Style… I’ve always loved the sound of my birthdate.. Quite often I find myself turning my head toward the clock only to notice that it’s 3:31 pm or am. I look at a piece of paper and see the number 331 on there somewhere… a special coincidence… a lucky situation, I’m not sure. You’d think I’d use those numbers to play lotto with but I don’t. Actually, for the most part I keep my pride to myself when it comes to my birthdate. Typically never making mention of it. I figure those that care will announce it to the world and I’m blessed to say that I have good folks/friends in my life who do turn my day into celebration. Today was such a day. Me, being spoil by the most incredible yet sincere person I’ve ever been blessed to have in my life. She’s nonstop with her love to the point where it’s truly a brand new day, every day for me… the feeling is enormous and unreal in a real way at times. And then seeing my mother smile and wish me a Happy Birthday is always the best feeling. I tear up as she battles and fights her struggle. Her joy in seeing me happy is an incredible feeling. She asked me what I wanted for my birthday and the only thing that comes to mind is for her to be healthy…. HEALTHY… I’d give anything to turn back the hands of time to one of those years when we would pack the car and drive to Texas despite her kind of driving me crazy telling me to “watch your speed..” *smile* Good times that I miss…. When you’re young, you don’t see the chapters of life before you. The ups and downs, the crossroads, the empty valleys… you just think about the highlights and what you can get. Now I think about savoring each milli-second of time. I look deeper into each situation, good, bad and toss away the nonsense because some things just aint worth wasting time over… Imagine the celebratory feeling invading your entire soul when you realize how sweet it is to find time to love who you are and the impact when you discover others who give good love to you too... *smile* word.... it's nice...

Prince Live 3/28/09 Lotusflow3r

Another beautiful yet interesting night with Prince. I look back over time, scanning thoughts from my mind(excuse the poetics); I’m amazed by how many times I’ve seen this incredible artist, musician, musical icon, living creative soul. I mean, I go back pre-Purple Rain days to the “For You” time period(his first album). I remember seeing him in venues like the Sam Houston auditorium, the Houston Summit arena, Santa Monica Civic Auditorium, The KeyClub, Hollywood Palladium, The Forum, Staples Center, The Wiltern Theatre, Hollywood Bowl, Universal Amphitheatre, New Orleans Superdome (he performed while moving around onstage on roller skates..lol.. blew my mind), Rio Hotel in Las Vegas(incredible show- opened with one of my favorite songs, Something In The Water and closed the show with Ceelo joining him onstage to sing Crazy) and now lastnight at the new Nokia Theatre, which unfortunately has a sub-par sound system and amateur folks working the boards and lighting. I’ve never seen a performer have to do sooooooooo much directing from onstage and still perform at the same time. It went something like, “clap your hands y’all!” and then “umm..adjust the mic, getting feedback, give me more bass, turn up the kick drum” then he’s singing, then he’s talking “it’s gonna be a beautiful night y’all… what y’all wanna hear!” then he’s saying “adjust the house lights a little, turn down the stage lights, turn up the house lights, give me sound from the side monitors please… thank you my brother…” lol.. It got to be hysterical after awhile but as Prince said while exercising tremendous patience, “I’m gonna play through it, y’all” and that’s what he did. I guess for me, I felt something might go wrong when they began playing a Michael Jackson song moments before Prince was due to hit the stage... lol.. And I said "whyeeee??" *smile* Battling that bad sound system Prince played and played and still seemed to have a great deal of fun. He definitely connected with the crowd and pulled us all in; no doubt a master of the stage. He only played a couple songs from the new CD’s and the rest was old stuff and a few covers from Kool and the Gang, Wild Cherry, and the Beatles. The Wild Cherry song (Play that Funky Music), Prince stepped away from the mic and allowed someone from the audience to sing. That person put on a show! Prince said “brother you turned it out so much we don’t ever have to play that song again!” Then jokingly he said “now get off the stage!” I was watching Prince perform and interact with the crowd so closely and at times I found myself reminiscing as he would say, “the Dayz of Wild”; past shows and experiences.. Remembering how he used to run across the stage, doing the splits, sliding across the floor, solo piano performances, jumping off the top of the piano, landing in a split and then jumping out of the split back up to the piano, not missing a beat and playing like a man possessed with unstoppable creativity. He may not dance around like he used to but creatively and musically he’s still unstoppable. To me he’s like the Michael Jordan of music. He totally loves to play and just like Jordan who relied on the jumpshot and picked and choosed his slamdunk moments carefully, Prince switched to his own version of a classic jumpshot; he mastered his instrument(s), plays the heck out of it/them and his slamdunk perhaps is of a personal nature as in my opinion he seems to be a man who has become extremely comfortable in his own skin, completely at peace spiritually, and definitely in control of all things creative. So many try to put him down, so many try to say he’s this or that based on what they’ve seen him do twenty years or more ago and I say to them, look where he is now and checkout how far he’s come. Don’t hold so tightly to a perception that it becomes a judgement. He’s aged gracefully and yet still ferocious musically… doing what he loves and he’s truly earned the status of musical icon, which is a whole lot better than joining the social-butterfly-trying-to-pass-themselves-off-as-artist crowd that exists today among the so-called famous folks out there now. And another note from lastnight’s show, during one of the encores, Prince played two songs from The Time and then did the Glamorous Life. Sheila E. came out to join him and that was great to see. They both seemed very happy onstage together. Lastnight was a beautiful night, a beautiful escape and for me personally it felt incredible to share that experience with a very special someone for her first time. Her perception was changed. Hope to see and experience Prince again in the near future. Maybe one day I’ll be blessed to experience one of those concerts at his mansion.. *smile* One can dream…

Anti-War/Pro-Jobs 3/21/09

Saturday was a blast... a beautiful experience.. I always love checking out protest rallies and marches. I feel like it's a great way to basically put your finger on the pulse of how some folks might be feeling about various issues. I go to listen, learn, observe and of course, capture the moment(s) with my camera as I work in the direction of showcasing some photojournalistic chops. On this day, Saturday, March 21st, 2009, it marked the sixth anniversary of the Iraq War and these good folks marked the occasion with a very well organized march down Hollywood Blvd. The back drop of this area was a strange twist to the seriousness, passion and togetherness exhibited by the marchers. Someone I know told me that this sort of thing is a "waste of time and folks could use their energy in a better way to do something more real" or something to that effect... I was kind of surprised to hear that coming from this person but I know that's pretty much attributed to someone who doesn't understand, passing judgement on something they've never experienced or attempted to witness firsthand. Without folks taking to the streets, I think a whole lot of what is now important history would've never taken place and a whole lot of freedom's never achieved. We no doubt need it all.. the efforts in the streets, the boardrooms, the courtrooms, the churches, etc etc, but I truly believe it's folks like these who put themselves out there on behalf of others that keep us moving forward without forgetting the steps taken beforehand. Don't rest on the lazy boy cushion of success or try to sweep things under the rug just because it don't feel good to remember... Checkout Obama.... part of what makes him who he is, goes hand in hand with his love for getting out of the White House and taking his message to the streets, the town hall meetings, face to face, letting folks know what's up. But just like with these protest rallies and marches, I bet he finds his methods as a great way to stay grounded and keep an ear close to a healthy slice of real true public opinion. On March 21st, I witnessed a whole lot of truth and passion and a great sense of community/togetherness...

Soaking In The Words Of A Friend

I enjoyed an email conversation with a sister-friend in Nashville today. She mentioned how she wanted to get back to financial comfort to where she could “travel a couple times a year to revitalize mind and spirit.” I sat back and said, ahh yessss… It felt like cool water against my face. I want that as well for myself and to be able to enjoy it with my special one… I long for a little country breeze and a southern breakfast. I can smell the scent and vizualize a full orange moon at the end of the highway like I experienced in east Texas one year. I tried my best to drive all the way to it but my destination had come up so instead I watched the moon for a while from the front porch. A life I miss so much now and wish I could turn the hands of time back to experience but bring that special one with me and show her what complete freedom and peace feel like. Whew.. if my financial situation was right, I’d try to reclaim what I sold a few years ago.

Lastnight as I was cleaning up and getting rid of old paper work and paid off statements, I came across several interesting notes, letters and images that I printed on glossy computer paper over the last years times five, six or more... Each one of these things not only brought memories to the forefront of my mind but also had me traveling back in time. There was an old letter from a couple years ago that I never sent. It was a response to someone no longer in my life. It gave me a feeling of darkness and unforgiving, unnecessary strain. I then found a listing printed out by my father that showed the names and birth’s of my family beginning with Joe Rivers and Lucy Royal, my great grand parents. There was a little stain on the bottom of the page thanks to me reading this on a kitchen table one morning in Mt. Pleasant, Texas. The page was slightly soaking in this very thick syrup that I was using on my pancakes at the time. It’s something they call, Ribbon Cane Syrup. That stuff is so thick and sweet.. Sort of reminds me of Brer Rabbit but thicker and sweeter.. I had gotten it after one of my cousin’s told me to buy some in downtown Mt. Pleasant. I was using that on everything I ate during that trip. My grandmother was still alive during this time and I can remember pulling this page with the family info out of one of the bibles in my grandmother’s living room.

One of the images that I noticed on the glossy paper was a picture of me during my 1999 road trip to Texas and beyond. I was at a rest stop somewhere. The image took me back. I was a few or perhaps many pounds lighter than I am now.. *smile* I remember eating sandwiches that I had prepared for my trip. My sandwiches had been sitting in the hot backseat area, softening the cheese, bread getting moist and blending together with the miracle whip and tasting delicious! Whew.. I always washed it down with some Welch’s grape soda, which also kept me awake on the road because of the high sugar content and carbonation in that drink. Again, those were the days but I’m here now, aching to return to yesterday but I know I can’t. However, I will be back on the road soon and in the country because my soul is begging for that kind of rejuvenation, which is something you can never get in these cities where the closest thing to escaping the daily grind is a cruise thru the canyon in the wee hours of the morning after the nightowls have gone to bed and before the early risers greet the new morning…The window of time is short but worth every second when you can find it… Thank God for memories and for the cool breeze of good conversation that inspires my soul to hold onto what was and still is so very important...

The Argument Fascination

I look at television these days and wonder. For a long time I’ve been put off by the so-called reality shows and it seems like they’re here to stay for a while longer. I don’t get that stuff or why people enjoy it so much, just as I don’t understand the trend of shows that feature folks always arguing. Gone are the days of peaceful disagreements and calm voices of reason, with the exception of our President, of course. I turn to CNN; folks are arguing. I turn to ESPN; folks are arguing. I turn to MSNBC; same thing… I guess that stuff is popular and God forbid anyone should go their own route, be their own individual person and not follow trends, so as a result we get a lot of the same with just different faces. I wonder would Walter Conkrite enjoy today’s news business. I miss the good ol days of Tom Snyder late at night or even Ted Koppel although I’m still able to enjoy someone cool like Charlie Rose whenever I can catch him and even Tavis Smiley is a favorite too. I also enjoy Ed Gordon and love it when he’s on Chris Mathews show on MSNBC. Mind you, Chris has some argumentative moments but it doesn’t get out of hand because he has control of his “Hardball Show” and he seems to have a great deal of common sense.. Maybe it’s just me but respectfully, I just don’t get off on the argument style nor the unrealistic so-called reality TV shows that’s got regular folks imitating that stuff so that it becomes real…Like a mirror that’s held up with your image before you even step in front of it. If those shows are truly what we are, do and look like then I guess it’s no wonder why what we see happening in the world around us is the way it is… The only true reality in TV land that I think is interesting is in the way CNN reaches out to viewers and allows for instant reaction to stories and comments via the internet. I’ve used this several times myself and the whole iReport thing is pretty impressive especially when major things happen and someone with a camera is right there to capture the moment and send in the shot. That’s cool. Plus it’s cool seeing life through other folks eyes via images, words and thoughts shared. This sort of realness looks nothing like what I’ve seen briefly on those “reality” shows. Thank God for HGTV too… I like to dream and escape reality from time to time.. See a good movie, read a great story, listen to some incredible music, hear a wonderful speaker… Instead, everyone is on full volume, arguing, talking all at once, accomplishing nothing, trying to convince us that their consistently constant drama filled lives over silly things is important…*smile* Say that five times real fast.. I turned the channel the other day only to find some show about Hugh Hefner and his ex and some other lady and I’m thinking, this is important because why? This is entertaining, how? I waved my hand at the television, turned to CNN for five minutes and saw that they were repeating the same stories of the day. I turned to MSNBC and they’re showing back to back to back prison reality shows which at times can be interesting but ultimately make you depressed. I turned the TV off and returned to my computer. Thank God for Youtube and iTunes… My escape when I’m not creating or working on images captured from my own day to day…

The Reach

Reaching for dreams away from the scene of the crime; obscene. The time I put into wasting away, sad, misery, fading in the game playing of another's existence. Walking around like hot sand stuck to my face; eyes hidden. I tasted something I never imagined but always knew could be reality. Like a magnet I flew head first; smack! It took a dream to pry myself away from the misery. A reminder like a brick thrown in my direction. The mirror shattered. I didn't need the view anyway. I wore my reflection on my sleeve. All I had to do was lift my arm and sniff. The dirt at the end of my sleeve represented my future in two ways. Either I was gonna jump or fly, make it or die, live, hurt, fight, climb, reach, use my mind again and remember those dreams that I put aside. Bring them back to the forefront. I'm making effort more than a try...

Times Have Been Swift

Time never waits, never stalls, never blinks; it just keeps on going but it always leaves something behind in ways that everyone can relate. Everybody gotta story, a journey; a life… our footprints are etched in everything we do or have done during this time. Those footprints aren’t necessarily in the sand but in the hearts, minds, thoughts of others; be it good, bad or indifferent. Every once in a while time strikes me like lightning. I look around not so much literally but in searching through the pages of memories that flash throughout my mind. My mental file cabinet runs deep like the thousands of pages you’d find in some old county courthouse of small town America. It’s amazing to sift through pages like that. I used to go to the courthouse in Daingerfield, Texas where I’d discover family members I never knew about and some that I’ve heard about in stories handed down from family to family. Part of my main reason for the writing I’ve done in the past via this blog or in the stories that I’ve written is my desire for wanting to pass down not only something handed down to me but also stories, emotions, and situations that I’ve lived and/or have affected me in some kind of way. Right now my time is in an undefineable state or category. It’s like being in limbo wondering what’s next though at the same time being so thankful for the blessings that come during the trying times as well as the good times. A lot of that thankfulness comes from feeling like I’ve done all I can do and now must leave it up to whatever will be. I’ve made mistakes but the lessons resemble the hope filled bridge that I stand on now as I make my way forward. The thankfulness is also attributed to a special someone that keeps me so motivated, I’m always saying “wow!” That part of this time is defineable. Words come to mind like forever, incredible, special, grateful surrender… But time keeps marching on oblivious to what may come. If time were a person, he or she would probably be friendless because it never sticks around to see if you’re okay when you’ve fallen or congratulate when you’ve achieved. Sounds silly but I think about time like that, especially when those pages upon pages of memories flash various faces and/or experiences that have left me feeling some sort of emotion or even confusion because then I begin to think, why are some; actually, why are all people the way they are? Is it set in stone somewhere or is it just the result of decisions made throughout our personal journeys? Most times I believe, you know when you’re headed in the wrong direction. Something doesn’t feel right, similar to if you’re in your car looking for a destination that you found so easily on a map or googled and saw it so clearly on the satelite webcam thingy. You see stuff that doesn’t look right. Street names that make no sense. Nothing appears right and you get the feeling that every pedestrian that’s walking on the sidewalk is looking at you like you shouldn’t be where you’re currently at. The same is true when you’re at a point in life where you don’t belong except the only pedestrian is you standing in the mirror noticing a change… Hopefully that change is positive. A lot of times we keep going in the same direction and ignore all the warnings or oneway signs. I’ve been guilty many times of ignoring signs and even my own feelings. I’ve turned my head at suggestions coming from others who say “ask yourself is this right for you.” No need in asking myself if I’m already not listening. But then, time keeps marching on and that’s when, if you wake up, you can turn direction into wisdom rather than consequence because the latter is not a gratifying experience. But, depending upon your decision from this point on, consequence can do a complete turnaround. Thing is, it takes everything you got from rolling up your sleeves and getting back on track to every genuine ounce of humility that bleeds from your heart and soul... It’s not always certain if time will allow you that opportunity. He or she stays busy and makes no guarantees about who’s gonna be left around… Anyway.. (picture me sighing after this somewhat long ramble) I’m a thinking man, most times… :-)

His Invisible Wife By Shelia M. Goss

I'm proud to create this video for one of my favorite authors and also very special sister-friend, Shelia M. Goss. This is for her new book due out very soon. I'm very happy to see her still doing her thang as an author. Still putting out great stories and accomplishing so much from one of the great states in this country, Louisiana! Enjoy and definitely support when the book comes out.. Available in bookstores and especially via Amazon.com. Pre-order that baby! :-)

Stumbling Cost...

“Deceit always stumbles upon repetition.”

If you watch someone over time and notice that their main mission in life is to get over on others ie. take advantage of situations in order to reap some sort of self-perceived benefit, you will discover cracks in the roads they’ve traveled. Eventually something happens. Perhaps it’s karma. There’s those who will never learn. They’ve managed to embed their lies so deeply within that from their vantage point, all is true. They’ll proclaim themselves with passion and vigor about being a "good person." You’ll wonder who are they tying to convince; you or themselves. I’ve had to deal with this sort of individual(s). I file every moment under the category of “silly but unfortunately necessary.” A product of one aspect of life... It’s been eye opening. The human nature part of it intrigues me. I pay close attention to those that I know and those that I observe from a far. I’ve always done this to a certain extent but now I feel it’s on a deeper level probably because of two reasons. I’m older now and I’ve been through a wide range of life experiences in the last ten to fifteen years that should give me some kind of credential for making slight on point observations.

Another case in point: The last few months at the hospital I work at, I’ve observed a young surgeon as he moves closer to becoming a full fledge doctor. He’s in his first year of residency and seemingly unaware of the blessing he holds in his hands. His work ethic is non-existent unless you count the consistent effort in which he puts forth to try to get around his responsibilities. It appears he’s brought with him a playground sensibility or mentality. He does whatever he can and says whatever he needs to say in order to NOT do what he’s supposed to do. He’ll lie with ease. The sad part is I predicted his behavior after speaking with him during his first week at the hospital some months ago. He attempted to use his techniques on me and went into that give-a-brotha-a-break, feel-sorry-for-me mode. For what he was trying to avoid doing which took very ilttle effort and time, I knew then and there, this young man would be trouble. If it’s any indication on how he’ll be as a doctor and especially a surgeon, I fear for anyone having to be under his care. Hopefully he’ll wake up and realize the seriousness of his chosen career. I’ve seen other young doctors verbally whipped into shape by their more senior counterparts but this fella reminds me of a high school student holding his head up high because of the perception or belief of superior status rather than recognizing the incredible value of an academic foundation followed by career achievement. He may suffer from the "invincible syndrome" that many fall victim to these days including the first example. In the end, like most people who choose to deceive, the achievement resembles more so an image of pathetic behavior and conniving pursuit than anything else. Perhaps it elevates them in one respect but the eventual payoff could be a much longer and more painful drop when things go wrong… (?) Humility is the only pill that must be swallowed... IMHO *smile*