Torture of some kind...

So much discussion about a memo of torture these days. Cheney defends the nonsense. Obama just wants it to go away so he can deal with more pressing issues. He’s got other very capable folks to handle the thorns in one’s side so he can move forward instead of side ways; stepping around all the BS. I’ve got my own personal torture and unlike Obama, mine is inevitable. Nothing is more pressing than to watch your own mother in the stages of losing a tough battle against cancer. She’s strong. She finds ways to smile and joke about something but at the same time I can hear the pain, which is constant. I see the shortness of breath. She can no longer get around or do for self. And it came out of nowhere; this recent deterioration. Last month she was doing somewhat okay. She could get around, she could eat and drink. Now, she’s shutting down. Time is few… This is real torture. Torture of the heart and soul. I thank God for my mother and I thank her for trying her best to prepare me for this time. As she’s gone thru this battle, she’s tried very hard to explain each part of the process to me. She worries about my life ahead of me but I believe I’ll be fine. Besides all that she’s done for me recently, the last two years of my life have been such a major lesson that in a lot of ways I can see the value of its experience despite the amount of negativity involved. I’m a stronger and hopefully wiser person for it. I allowed individuals to come into my life and control it’s direction. I turned a deaf ear to those who really and truly care, not to mention I forgot all promises made to myself. The downfall was huge but I discovered so much during my descent, which provided me with temporary wings, allowing me to return to the surface of sound thinking. Time is precious…

Mother's Day

Mother's Day for me was reminiscent of most days lately.. Like daily revisits to the time capsule. Without really trying, I find myself thinking about the past and visualizing each moment so strongly that I can literally transport myself back. It just happens and it's not like an enjoyment thing. It happens because I see my mother struggling, battling and holding on. I wish for the days and years gone by to return. I never imagined a time like this would cause me to see my own life flash before me but maybe that's because such a major transition is around the corner. It's been quite a ride too; my life. Filled with so many emotional ups and downs, extremes, near deaths, dream come trues, dreams destroyed, celebrations, frustrations, exhaustions, exhilarations, etc.. And I constantly miss the road leading to my grandmother's house in Texas. A house of peace and rejuvenation that I've never felt anywhere else. I miss being able to go there and wish I could right now for the healing, rejuvenation and peace... I wish I could take my mother there right now.

Sometimes, I look back a couple years and wonder if I made a big mistake by selling such an incredible piece of family history. At the time it seemed and felt like the right thing to do for other reasons, not so much financial but because of the change I'd seen in the small town and the lack of being able to trust individuals who I looked upon to simply be good neighbors. That trust factor has always been a thorn in my side. I've made many mistakes by throwing caution to the wind and trusting blindly. I've paid hugely as a result. The lessons have been tremendous. Maybe this route I took to get to where I am now was necessary but I can't help but wonder what it would be like if I didn't sell. If I remained patient and ignored the changes around what was my own piece of heaven on Tennison Road. I sold history and though it may be a far fetched dream at this point, if I ever have the opportunity to get it back, I would without hesitation. Maybe one day in heaven I'll see the image that once was when we used to make that left turn down Tennison from the highway, drive down a few feet and turn left into the driveway; pull inside and the first thing you'd hear would be the moo of a cow followed by the slam of an old screen door and a beautiful southern voice saying "hey there!" My grandma would say and then smile real big with that gold tooth shining.

Today I sat with my mother at the hospital. She was there for a procedure. I watched as she struggled to drink a solution she needed for a test and then I watched as she looked at her hands. She said she could feel the "neuropathy" setting in. Just seeing her do that transported me back in time to where we were in east Texas on the fourth of July. It was hot but it didn't matter. When the night set in, you could see and hear fireworks in the distance. We watched from the front porch of the original house that my grandparents lived in at the time before my father eventually built a new house there. My mother decided to join in on the fireworks by tossing firecrackers. She'd light it and then toss. She kept doing one after the other until one she held a little bit too long and it exploded in her fingers. She was in obvious pain, opening and closing her hand; moving her fingers about. She recovered quickly and we continued watching the show in the sky. Today there's no recovery. The pain remains constant. Comfort is only temporary....

That's how it is for me right now.. life flashing before my eyes, memories coming from nowhere.. constant reminders of all that I've learned, things that I've seen, time that's wasted, time that's appreciated.. the good, the bad, the ugly, the wonderful, the deceiving, the celebration of life.. for there is a lot to celebrate but right now it's pretty rough... a tough test of inner strength...

May Day

The first day of May has become an interesting one as I like to head downtown and experience the protest march/rally that typically goes on. Most times it felt more like a celebration of the past and continued efforts of marching on behalf of workers rights. When I went last year, the turnout was much larger but this time was still just as vocal and enthusiastic despite the smaller crowds. One thing that grabbed my attention and the focus of my camera was the punk rock band playing on the corner, surrounded very tightly by onlookers. I could barely squeeze in the shots but I got a few good ones... I liked their energy and sound...

Thinking & Wondering..

More times than not, I'm blown away by human behavior or better yet, human disguise. The way folks treat each other, the way a lie feels more comfortable than truth, disrespect a function of not only the youth but everybody fifty on down to two! But a child knows no better unless taught so how about the many grown folks out there? How do we teach those who should already know? Or is this the downward never-ending spiral headed toward oblivion filled with minds whose mission it is to forever wreck havoc on those who simply want to live good, live free, live whole and complete. These folks are like unnecessary speed bumps on the road of life. Or perhaps they're not unnecessary because eventually you learn something. The trick is to not become that which frustrates the hell out of you thereby putting yourself under the cloak of hypocrisy. Like for example, I'm calling the bank wanting to payoff something, they send me an extension. This happens three times after speaking with three different people. I'm waiting for somebody to get it right. I don't know; maybe the word "payoff" or "purchase" isn't the politically correct term in 2009? Then on top of that, I'm still dealing with someone who swears by their word to get something done but in a month or two it'll be two years since they uttered the words, "I promise, this will be resolved by next week." Yeah, next week two years ago...I shake my head. It's become comical at this point. I often wonder why so many refuse to recognize the beauty, the power, the satisfaction of being true to your word, honest in your actions and reactions, and just being good to those you encounter. It makes life so much easier but it's like traffic that keeps stopping for no reason except that some place, somewhere out there, somebody is screwing things up by being self-centered and not recognizing that there's more to this world than themselves. Tunnel vision has become a serious disease. Folks who've lost all peripheral vision and only see themselves in the realm of everything! A good friend of mine who happens to be a very talented author along with just being a great person is experiencing the frustration of dealing with individuals who possess a talent for not delivering on simple promises. Every day they promise to deliver what's written in contract but consistently fall on excuses for the month to month to month delays... I wish her well in her struggle to get things resolved because no one deserves the silliness of waiting on someone to get it right and abide by simple uncomplicated honesty... The beautiful flow of life often gets re-routed by the heartless few but those are the same ones most likely to be introduced to karma.. what comes around... etc.

Still Interlude...

Vacation Imagination

She acts like she's leaving on a trip somewhere soon.. A vacation where she needs all her bags. She's talking about papers that need filing, make sure you do this and that, here's a folder for this and that.. She's sure she wont be around yet I say, why not appreciate each day and linger your mind in the belief that it feels good to be alive, no matter how short, how long, breathing, living, watching the world in all it's beauty and craziness, sadness and celebration, turn and continue.. But she doesn't.. she's focused on not being here.. She's waiting for the air conditioned bus, like going on weekend trip to Vegas to play bingo. Only difference is, that one returns..

Another Personal Year Gone By

3-31 Style… I’ve always loved the sound of my birthdate.. Quite often I find myself turning my head toward the clock only to notice that it’s 3:31 pm or am. I look at a piece of paper and see the number 331 on there somewhere… a special coincidence… a lucky situation, I’m not sure. You’d think I’d use those numbers to play lotto with but I don’t. Actually, for the most part I keep my pride to myself when it comes to my birthdate. Typically never making mention of it. I figure those that care will announce it to the world and I’m blessed to say that I have good folks/friends in my life who do turn my day into celebration. Today was such a day. Me, being spoil by the most incredible yet sincere person I’ve ever been blessed to have in my life. She’s nonstop with her love to the point where it’s truly a brand new day, every day for me… the feeling is enormous and unreal in a real way at times. And then seeing my mother smile and wish me a Happy Birthday is always the best feeling. I tear up as she battles and fights her struggle. Her joy in seeing me happy is an incredible feeling. She asked me what I wanted for my birthday and the only thing that comes to mind is for her to be healthy…. HEALTHY… I’d give anything to turn back the hands of time to one of those years when we would pack the car and drive to Texas despite her kind of driving me crazy telling me to “watch your speed..” *smile* Good times that I miss…. When you’re young, you don’t see the chapters of life before you. The ups and downs, the crossroads, the empty valleys… you just think about the highlights and what you can get. Now I think about savoring each milli-second of time. I look deeper into each situation, good, bad and toss away the nonsense because some things just aint worth wasting time over… Imagine the celebratory feeling invading your entire soul when you realize how sweet it is to find time to love who you are and the impact when you discover others who give good love to you too... *smile* word.... it's nice...

Prince Live 3/28/09 Lotusflow3r

Another beautiful yet interesting night with Prince. I look back over time, scanning thoughts from my mind(excuse the poetics); I’m amazed by how many times I’ve seen this incredible artist, musician, musical icon, living creative soul. I mean, I go back pre-Purple Rain days to the “For You” time period(his first album). I remember seeing him in venues like the Sam Houston auditorium, the Houston Summit arena, Santa Monica Civic Auditorium, The KeyClub, Hollywood Palladium, The Forum, Staples Center, The Wiltern Theatre, Hollywood Bowl, Universal Amphitheatre, New Orleans Superdome (he performed while moving around onstage on roller skates..lol.. blew my mind), Rio Hotel in Las Vegas(incredible show- opened with one of my favorite songs, Something In The Water and closed the show with Ceelo joining him onstage to sing Crazy) and now lastnight at the new Nokia Theatre, which unfortunately has a sub-par sound system and amateur folks working the boards and lighting. I’ve never seen a performer have to do sooooooooo much directing from onstage and still perform at the same time. It went something like, “clap your hands y’all!” and then “umm..adjust the mic, getting feedback, give me more bass, turn up the kick drum” then he’s singing, then he’s talking “it’s gonna be a beautiful night y’all… what y’all wanna hear!” then he’s saying “adjust the house lights a little, turn down the stage lights, turn up the house lights, give me sound from the side monitors please… thank you my brother…” lol.. It got to be hysterical after awhile but as Prince said while exercising tremendous patience, “I’m gonna play through it, y’all” and that’s what he did. I guess for me, I felt something might go wrong when they began playing a Michael Jackson song moments before Prince was due to hit the stage... lol.. And I said "whyeeee??" *smile* Battling that bad sound system Prince played and played and still seemed to have a great deal of fun. He definitely connected with the crowd and pulled us all in; no doubt a master of the stage. He only played a couple songs from the new CD’s and the rest was old stuff and a few covers from Kool and the Gang, Wild Cherry, and the Beatles. The Wild Cherry song (Play that Funky Music), Prince stepped away from the mic and allowed someone from the audience to sing. That person put on a show! Prince said “brother you turned it out so much we don’t ever have to play that song again!” Then jokingly he said “now get off the stage!” I was watching Prince perform and interact with the crowd so closely and at times I found myself reminiscing as he would say, “the Dayz of Wild”; past shows and experiences.. Remembering how he used to run across the stage, doing the splits, sliding across the floor, solo piano performances, jumping off the top of the piano, landing in a split and then jumping out of the split back up to the piano, not missing a beat and playing like a man possessed with unstoppable creativity. He may not dance around like he used to but creatively and musically he’s still unstoppable. To me he’s like the Michael Jordan of music. He totally loves to play and just like Jordan who relied on the jumpshot and picked and choosed his slamdunk moments carefully, Prince switched to his own version of a classic jumpshot; he mastered his instrument(s), plays the heck out of it/them and his slamdunk perhaps is of a personal nature as in my opinion he seems to be a man who has become extremely comfortable in his own skin, completely at peace spiritually, and definitely in control of all things creative. So many try to put him down, so many try to say he’s this or that based on what they’ve seen him do twenty years or more ago and I say to them, look where he is now and checkout how far he’s come. Don’t hold so tightly to a perception that it becomes a judgement. He’s aged gracefully and yet still ferocious musically… doing what he loves and he’s truly earned the status of musical icon, which is a whole lot better than joining the social-butterfly-trying-to-pass-themselves-off-as-artist crowd that exists today among the so-called famous folks out there now. And another note from lastnight’s show, during one of the encores, Prince played two songs from The Time and then did the Glamorous Life. Sheila E. came out to join him and that was great to see. They both seemed very happy onstage together. Lastnight was a beautiful night, a beautiful escape and for me personally it felt incredible to share that experience with a very special someone for her first time. Her perception was changed. Hope to see and experience Prince again in the near future. Maybe one day I’ll be blessed to experience one of those concerts at his mansion.. *smile* One can dream…

Anti-War/Pro-Jobs 3/21/09

Saturday was a blast... a beautiful experience.. I always love checking out protest rallies and marches. I feel like it's a great way to basically put your finger on the pulse of how some folks might be feeling about various issues. I go to listen, learn, observe and of course, capture the moment(s) with my camera as I work in the direction of showcasing some photojournalistic chops. On this day, Saturday, March 21st, 2009, it marked the sixth anniversary of the Iraq War and these good folks marked the occasion with a very well organized march down Hollywood Blvd. The back drop of this area was a strange twist to the seriousness, passion and togetherness exhibited by the marchers. Someone I know told me that this sort of thing is a "waste of time and folks could use their energy in a better way to do something more real" or something to that effect... I was kind of surprised to hear that coming from this person but I know that's pretty much attributed to someone who doesn't understand, passing judgement on something they've never experienced or attempted to witness firsthand. Without folks taking to the streets, I think a whole lot of what is now important history would've never taken place and a whole lot of freedom's never achieved. We no doubt need it all.. the efforts in the streets, the boardrooms, the courtrooms, the churches, etc etc, but I truly believe it's folks like these who put themselves out there on behalf of others that keep us moving forward without forgetting the steps taken beforehand. Don't rest on the lazy boy cushion of success or try to sweep things under the rug just because it don't feel good to remember... Checkout Obama.... part of what makes him who he is, goes hand in hand with his love for getting out of the White House and taking his message to the streets, the town hall meetings, face to face, letting folks know what's up. But just like with these protest rallies and marches, I bet he finds his methods as a great way to stay grounded and keep an ear close to a healthy slice of real true public opinion. On March 21st, I witnessed a whole lot of truth and passion and a great sense of community/togetherness...

Soaking In The Words Of A Friend

I enjoyed an email conversation with a sister-friend in Nashville today. She mentioned how she wanted to get back to financial comfort to where she could “travel a couple times a year to revitalize mind and spirit.” I sat back and said, ahh yessss… It felt like cool water against my face. I want that as well for myself and to be able to enjoy it with my special one… I long for a little country breeze and a southern breakfast. I can smell the scent and vizualize a full orange moon at the end of the highway like I experienced in east Texas one year. I tried my best to drive all the way to it but my destination had come up so instead I watched the moon for a while from the front porch. A life I miss so much now and wish I could turn the hands of time back to experience but bring that special one with me and show her what complete freedom and peace feel like. Whew.. if my financial situation was right, I’d try to reclaim what I sold a few years ago.

Lastnight as I was cleaning up and getting rid of old paper work and paid off statements, I came across several interesting notes, letters and images that I printed on glossy computer paper over the last years times five, six or more... Each one of these things not only brought memories to the forefront of my mind but also had me traveling back in time. There was an old letter from a couple years ago that I never sent. It was a response to someone no longer in my life. It gave me a feeling of darkness and unforgiving, unnecessary strain. I then found a listing printed out by my father that showed the names and birth’s of my family beginning with Joe Rivers and Lucy Royal, my great grand parents. There was a little stain on the bottom of the page thanks to me reading this on a kitchen table one morning in Mt. Pleasant, Texas. The page was slightly soaking in this very thick syrup that I was using on my pancakes at the time. It’s something they call, Ribbon Cane Syrup. That stuff is so thick and sweet.. Sort of reminds me of Brer Rabbit but thicker and sweeter.. I had gotten it after one of my cousin’s told me to buy some in downtown Mt. Pleasant. I was using that on everything I ate during that trip. My grandmother was still alive during this time and I can remember pulling this page with the family info out of one of the bibles in my grandmother’s living room.

One of the images that I noticed on the glossy paper was a picture of me during my 1999 road trip to Texas and beyond. I was at a rest stop somewhere. The image took me back. I was a few or perhaps many pounds lighter than I am now.. *smile* I remember eating sandwiches that I had prepared for my trip. My sandwiches had been sitting in the hot backseat area, softening the cheese, bread getting moist and blending together with the miracle whip and tasting delicious! Whew.. I always washed it down with some Welch’s grape soda, which also kept me awake on the road because of the high sugar content and carbonation in that drink. Again, those were the days but I’m here now, aching to return to yesterday but I know I can’t. However, I will be back on the road soon and in the country because my soul is begging for that kind of rejuvenation, which is something you can never get in these cities where the closest thing to escaping the daily grind is a cruise thru the canyon in the wee hours of the morning after the nightowls have gone to bed and before the early risers greet the new morning…The window of time is short but worth every second when you can find it… Thank God for memories and for the cool breeze of good conversation that inspires my soul to hold onto what was and still is so very important...

The Argument Fascination

I look at television these days and wonder. For a long time I’ve been put off by the so-called reality shows and it seems like they’re here to stay for a while longer. I don’t get that stuff or why people enjoy it so much, just as I don’t understand the trend of shows that feature folks always arguing. Gone are the days of peaceful disagreements and calm voices of reason, with the exception of our President, of course. I turn to CNN; folks are arguing. I turn to ESPN; folks are arguing. I turn to MSNBC; same thing… I guess that stuff is popular and God forbid anyone should go their own route, be their own individual person and not follow trends, so as a result we get a lot of the same with just different faces. I wonder would Walter Conkrite enjoy today’s news business. I miss the good ol days of Tom Snyder late at night or even Ted Koppel although I’m still able to enjoy someone cool like Charlie Rose whenever I can catch him and even Tavis Smiley is a favorite too. I also enjoy Ed Gordon and love it when he’s on Chris Mathews show on MSNBC. Mind you, Chris has some argumentative moments but it doesn’t get out of hand because he has control of his “Hardball Show” and he seems to have a great deal of common sense.. Maybe it’s just me but respectfully, I just don’t get off on the argument style nor the unrealistic so-called reality TV shows that’s got regular folks imitating that stuff so that it becomes real…Like a mirror that’s held up with your image before you even step in front of it. If those shows are truly what we are, do and look like then I guess it’s no wonder why what we see happening in the world around us is the way it is… The only true reality in TV land that I think is interesting is in the way CNN reaches out to viewers and allows for instant reaction to stories and comments via the internet. I’ve used this several times myself and the whole iReport thing is pretty impressive especially when major things happen and someone with a camera is right there to capture the moment and send in the shot. That’s cool. Plus it’s cool seeing life through other folks eyes via images, words and thoughts shared. This sort of realness looks nothing like what I’ve seen briefly on those “reality” shows. Thank God for HGTV too… I like to dream and escape reality from time to time.. See a good movie, read a great story, listen to some incredible music, hear a wonderful speaker… Instead, everyone is on full volume, arguing, talking all at once, accomplishing nothing, trying to convince us that their consistently constant drama filled lives over silly things is important…*smile* Say that five times real fast.. I turned the channel the other day only to find some show about Hugh Hefner and his ex and some other lady and I’m thinking, this is important because why? This is entertaining, how? I waved my hand at the television, turned to CNN for five minutes and saw that they were repeating the same stories of the day. I turned to MSNBC and they’re showing back to back to back prison reality shows which at times can be interesting but ultimately make you depressed. I turned the TV off and returned to my computer. Thank God for Youtube and iTunes… My escape when I’m not creating or working on images captured from my own day to day…

The Reach

Reaching for dreams away from the scene of the crime; obscene. The time I put into wasting away, sad, misery, fading in the game playing of another's existence. Walking around like hot sand stuck to my face; eyes hidden. I tasted something I never imagined but always knew could be reality. Like a magnet I flew head first; smack! It took a dream to pry myself away from the misery. A reminder like a brick thrown in my direction. The mirror shattered. I didn't need the view anyway. I wore my reflection on my sleeve. All I had to do was lift my arm and sniff. The dirt at the end of my sleeve represented my future in two ways. Either I was gonna jump or fly, make it or die, live, hurt, fight, climb, reach, use my mind again and remember those dreams that I put aside. Bring them back to the forefront. I'm making effort more than a try...

Times Have Been Swift

Time never waits, never stalls, never blinks; it just keeps on going but it always leaves something behind in ways that everyone can relate. Everybody gotta story, a journey; a life… our footprints are etched in everything we do or have done during this time. Those footprints aren’t necessarily in the sand but in the hearts, minds, thoughts of others; be it good, bad or indifferent. Every once in a while time strikes me like lightning. I look around not so much literally but in searching through the pages of memories that flash throughout my mind. My mental file cabinet runs deep like the thousands of pages you’d find in some old county courthouse of small town America. It’s amazing to sift through pages like that. I used to go to the courthouse in Daingerfield, Texas where I’d discover family members I never knew about and some that I’ve heard about in stories handed down from family to family. Part of my main reason for the writing I’ve done in the past via this blog or in the stories that I’ve written is my desire for wanting to pass down not only something handed down to me but also stories, emotions, and situations that I’ve lived and/or have affected me in some kind of way. Right now my time is in an undefineable state or category. It’s like being in limbo wondering what’s next though at the same time being so thankful for the blessings that come during the trying times as well as the good times. A lot of that thankfulness comes from feeling like I’ve done all I can do and now must leave it up to whatever will be. I’ve made mistakes but the lessons resemble the hope filled bridge that I stand on now as I make my way forward. The thankfulness is also attributed to a special someone that keeps me so motivated, I’m always saying “wow!” That part of this time is defineable. Words come to mind like forever, incredible, special, grateful surrender… But time keeps marching on oblivious to what may come. If time were a person, he or she would probably be friendless because it never sticks around to see if you’re okay when you’ve fallen or congratulate when you’ve achieved. Sounds silly but I think about time like that, especially when those pages upon pages of memories flash various faces and/or experiences that have left me feeling some sort of emotion or even confusion because then I begin to think, why are some; actually, why are all people the way they are? Is it set in stone somewhere or is it just the result of decisions made throughout our personal journeys? Most times I believe, you know when you’re headed in the wrong direction. Something doesn’t feel right, similar to if you’re in your car looking for a destination that you found so easily on a map or googled and saw it so clearly on the satelite webcam thingy. You see stuff that doesn’t look right. Street names that make no sense. Nothing appears right and you get the feeling that every pedestrian that’s walking on the sidewalk is looking at you like you shouldn’t be where you’re currently at. The same is true when you’re at a point in life where you don’t belong except the only pedestrian is you standing in the mirror noticing a change… Hopefully that change is positive. A lot of times we keep going in the same direction and ignore all the warnings or oneway signs. I’ve been guilty many times of ignoring signs and even my own feelings. I’ve turned my head at suggestions coming from others who say “ask yourself is this right for you.” No need in asking myself if I’m already not listening. But then, time keeps marching on and that’s when, if you wake up, you can turn direction into wisdom rather than consequence because the latter is not a gratifying experience. But, depending upon your decision from this point on, consequence can do a complete turnaround. Thing is, it takes everything you got from rolling up your sleeves and getting back on track to every genuine ounce of humility that bleeds from your heart and soul... It’s not always certain if time will allow you that opportunity. He or she stays busy and makes no guarantees about who’s gonna be left around… Anyway.. (picture me sighing after this somewhat long ramble) I’m a thinking man, most times… :-)

His Invisible Wife By Shelia M. Goss

I'm proud to create this video for one of my favorite authors and also very special sister-friend, Shelia M. Goss. This is for her new book due out very soon. I'm very happy to see her still doing her thang as an author. Still putting out great stories and accomplishing so much from one of the great states in this country, Louisiana! Enjoy and definitely support when the book comes out.. Available in bookstores and especially via Amazon.com. Pre-order that baby! :-)

Stumbling Cost...

“Deceit always stumbles upon repetition.”

If you watch someone over time and notice that their main mission in life is to get over on others ie. take advantage of situations in order to reap some sort of self-perceived benefit, you will discover cracks in the roads they’ve traveled. Eventually something happens. Perhaps it’s karma. There’s those who will never learn. They’ve managed to embed their lies so deeply within that from their vantage point, all is true. They’ll proclaim themselves with passion and vigor about being a "good person." You’ll wonder who are they tying to convince; you or themselves. I’ve had to deal with this sort of individual(s). I file every moment under the category of “silly but unfortunately necessary.” A product of one aspect of life... It’s been eye opening. The human nature part of it intrigues me. I pay close attention to those that I know and those that I observe from a far. I’ve always done this to a certain extent but now I feel it’s on a deeper level probably because of two reasons. I’m older now and I’ve been through a wide range of life experiences in the last ten to fifteen years that should give me some kind of credential for making slight on point observations.

Another case in point: The last few months at the hospital I work at, I’ve observed a young surgeon as he moves closer to becoming a full fledge doctor. He’s in his first year of residency and seemingly unaware of the blessing he holds in his hands. His work ethic is non-existent unless you count the consistent effort in which he puts forth to try to get around his responsibilities. It appears he’s brought with him a playground sensibility or mentality. He does whatever he can and says whatever he needs to say in order to NOT do what he’s supposed to do. He’ll lie with ease. The sad part is I predicted his behavior after speaking with him during his first week at the hospital some months ago. He attempted to use his techniques on me and went into that give-a-brotha-a-break, feel-sorry-for-me mode. For what he was trying to avoid doing which took very ilttle effort and time, I knew then and there, this young man would be trouble. If it’s any indication on how he’ll be as a doctor and especially a surgeon, I fear for anyone having to be under his care. Hopefully he’ll wake up and realize the seriousness of his chosen career. I’ve seen other young doctors verbally whipped into shape by their more senior counterparts but this fella reminds me of a high school student holding his head up high because of the perception or belief of superior status rather than recognizing the incredible value of an academic foundation followed by career achievement. He may suffer from the "invincible syndrome" that many fall victim to these days including the first example. In the end, like most people who choose to deceive, the achievement resembles more so an image of pathetic behavior and conniving pursuit than anything else. Perhaps it elevates them in one respect but the eventual payoff could be a much longer and more painful drop when things go wrong… (?) Humility is the only pill that must be swallowed... IMHO *smile*

Dealing with it...

Days and nights on the front porch with my man Jessie, I began to learn what made him tick though I'm sure he figured me out long before I reached any conclusions about him. We both shared life experiences thru conversation that was not only a trip for me to even divulge such personal stuff but also mind blowing to hear what another man been through from a different era. His situations sounded a whole lot like mine with the exception of his successful relationship with his lady. Thing is, I caught Jessie at a time in his life when he was battling a much different kind of opponent and there were times when he wasn't taking it on the chin and getting back up again like he would preach to me so many times. Frustration set in. He would be talking crazy like he looked forward to joining his wife where she was much more than enjoying what time he had left in this world. Sometimes I had to throw verbal bricks in his pathway. Meaning, I had to say things that might cause him to step back and think; sort of like what he would do to me whenever wisdom filled responses would enter his mind after I said something stupid. I get angry when out of frustration he'll warn me about the ways of the world and keeping myself together so I won't make the same mistakes I've made in the past; stuff that I would sometimes regret ever sharing with him. I lashed out a few times. The last time I caught him off guard.

I said, "I'm supposed to be afraid to live just because you afraid to die? If you frustrated and getting scared because your days are numbered then you need to just admit to what you feeling and deal with it!"

Jessie just looked at me and then a smirk came upon his face. He nodded his head a few times and then said in a husky voice, "okay, okay..." He cleared his throat and said the same thing one more time. After that moment, a few weeks went by and everything seemed cool but there were hints of the same frustrations coming out; little sly comments and remarks but I figured that's just the way it is when a man's been told that life could be ending soon. Until he comes to grip with his journey and the realization that there's always an end, he's just gonna keep planting seeds of self-pity. It's kind of like his garden will grow so fast that he'll lose himself deep inside all that selfish pride to where no one can find the true blessing of what he'd eventually leave behind. They always say with respect to money that you can't take it with you. Well, in the case of what's truly the most important; it does go with you. I'm talking about the wisdom carried through life experiences, the stories from what your eyes have seen during your lifetime, and every emotional step along the way. To me there's a lot more nuances to living than that final submission to death.

Excerpt from
Lynwood and Jessie
Copr.2009

The frustrating, the historical & the beautiful full circle

2008 I can honestly say was a lot better than 2007 though life remained a struggle in so many ways. I lost and had to let go… The down times moving in and out on a weekly basis; still having to deal with the same frustrations created by bad decision making on my part but at the same time witnessing the beautiful growth of something that kept me sane, hopeful and escaping the reality that always set me in a mental backwards spiral… sometimes… The hopeful was and is love. I couldn’t ask for more than what I’ve been blessed with thus far; the kind of love that makes the world a little easier to deal with. It’s an escape from the present into the future; feeling like past dreams and beliefs of how good it can be, colliding with sincere efforts to make it is just that…. Really good… The beautiful full circle also included CREATIVITY… whew… It’s the fuel that drives my engine in ways that keeps me passionate about life because without it, I wouldn’t have come up from the negative depths of 2007 or risen above the frustrations which I was forced to bring with me in 2008 and still must continue to deal with in 2009. Sometimes individuals see not the reward in being true to their word, thus causing them to latch onto ways to get over, get around, and avoid simply doing what they promised. And dealing with that sort of thing as I’ve had to do can drive a person nuts when all you want to do is learn, move on and move forward in life. No one wants to keep reaching back to deal with that which should’ve been over, but in 2008 I had to; over and over again… still… the beautiful full circle does it’s thing represented by what you see above and what has been represented in past months with the photography shown in this blog. I’ve got a triple threat of creativity flowing thru me right now.. the writing… the photography… and the music, which is an incredible re-discovery and yet a reflection of what can come to the forefront after dealing with adversity and trying one’s best to simply pull yourself up and move on…

2008 was exciting in that I watched and really kept up with the whole campaign and rise of the days away, soon to be Preseident of the United States, Barack Obama. What a trip it is to listen to all the opinions, the talk, the hopes, the dreams, the expectations, the detractors, the supporters, the accountable holders, the history lovers, and the list goes on and on… Soon to be President Obama will earn any vacations he takes during his time because so many place so much on this man’s shoulders to solve and so many will unfortunately not make it an easy task for him to accomplish anything… The cameras will be and are focused on his every move. He may need to invest in the “Just For Men” product ‘cause his hair might go completely gray in less than two years. But on a personal as well as historical note, it’s a beautiful proud image to see him where he is; an image etched in forever… I’m glad I could see it and wish that many of my family were around to witness this as well. I look so forward to his inauguration… What a proud moment in time it will forever be…

My 2008 ended very quietly…. A glass raised, a kiss; time shared with new friends/family and quiet thoughts; the kind that keep you humble because eventhough I carry a great deal of hope and even excitement for the days ahead, time moving forward always has the potential of taking away… I feel it every time someone says “the years are going by so fast.” When I nod in agreement, a lot of times my whole life flashes before me in my mind. I always see and imagine family members faces; their spirits... I see moments in time, emotions that lifted me up and took me down, good times and bad; the whole gamut of my life in ways that make me stop and marvel at how much I’ve seen. I thank God for the vision because mentally speaking, I can travel to a lot of places and pull out of it some sort of emotional attachment similar to what most may experience when hearing an old jam from the past… So many times I wish I could reverse time or undo certain steps that I took but every moment is important, depending upon how one recovers or in essence, learns from it. Still, reversing time would be really nice right now, not only for reliving the past but more importantly, going back to a day in time when the most important person in my life was super healthy and had no limitations upon doing what brings her happiness. Nevertheless, time changes everything like a rollercoaster ride surrounded by a neverending change of backdrop and scenery all around you… Time doesn’t just heal wounds, it bounds each moment like chapters in a book; titles written boldly and just like Obama’s moment, etched in forever… This was my 2008 and every moment before that… Greetings to 2009. I welcome it in a somewhat bittersweet fashion but still hopeful and prayerful…

Xmas 2008

Christmas was surprisingly good.. Here’s my tree.. A lot of love went into it combined with a special desire to fill the house with sincere Christmas spirit. It worked. It was a great escape from the usual and a nice spring board to hopefully a very positive, dream fulfilled, get over the bump in the road of life direction…

The Unimaginable Weight Of Honesty

I see this unimaginable image floating around, waiting to be recognized. It’s like a yellow, greenish, orangish, silver and pink existence that comes near each of us; longing to be embraced. Some recognize it’s purity right away, realizing that if you grasp and hold onto it, the feeling it returns to you is euphoria mixed with fearlessness. It speaks not too often because once embraced, it fits you like a glove yet never is it an uncomfortable squeeze because it’s a no brainer dimension of life. It’s just there; apart of you... You know it but you need not call it’s name because the euphoria keeps you so much at peace… You walk taller. You’re at ease; suspended in the day to day reality of taking one moment at a time and doing the best you can with it. You greet the world with a peaceful spirit that only goes away momentarily when the twists and turns, bumps and bruises of life present themselves. But in the end, it’s all okay because you’re surrounded by the aura of that unimaginable existence. Sort of like being in a room filled with reassuring concerned, giving individuals that love you for you without a care for what you can do. The sad thing is that many choose to embrace it’s counterpart; holding it up like a badge of invincibility. It’s that heavy set, always needy, always wanting attention; forever needing to be remembered sort of existence that basically keeps them in a state of anxiety because it’s so easy to slip when standing upon the pile that’s created with each calculated self-absorbed step. When it piles up too much, it’s so hard to remember direction. It’s difficult for them to remember what they were supposed to say and do. Things get repeated. To the wiser, they appear incompetent but the badge worn is misleading, blinding; like the sun reflecting against the dirty windshield of an automobile. Sunvisors don’t remove dirt. They just soften the glare of neglect allowed as a representation of self, combined with the weakness which prevents the unimaginable… basic honesty…

Cadillac Records

I'm shocking myself in that I actually liked this movie a lot... Maybe it's because I love the music so much and a lot of the scenes, the style, the southern influence, the whole vibe of the film took me back...way back to a place and time that I'd much rather be, strangely enough... I dont know. I've just always loved those times, perhaps romanticized in my mind but to me, it just seems like folks valued things, each other a little more... Of course times was rough, prejudice was serious and this movie more than depicted it on several occasions. The movie wasn't really historically correct from a musical standpoint; a lot was left out and a few important people completely left out of the story like Philip Chess(brother of Leonard Chess depicted in movie), Bo Diddley, and countless other musicians that would make the story very long and maybe less entertaining to a general audience. Each musician pretty much deserves a movie all to themselves, telling their story. The best way to describe this particular film, is a fictional account of the Chess Records story. And one thing its not, is an Etta James story... The previews kind of have you thinking that way.. It's not that at all... The characters of Leonard Chess and Muddy Waters dominated the story and also Little Walter was a big part of it as well... They went over the top with his way of hard living but I've read about him definitely having a penchant for getting into fights and basically dying young because of injuries sustained but musically speaking, he was the best harmonica player ever and in real life back in those days, Muddy Waters had the tightest band in all the land... Me being a music fan, a musician and a lover of the blues, I'd more like to hear stories about what was passed over briefly in this film... Stories about this man named Alan Lomax and why, how and what he discovered by traveling to the south to record these various musicians on behalf of the Library Of Congress... Must be some truly fascinating stories and images that he took with him from his travels... And then also why musicians from Mississippi and other areas of the south tended to travel to Chicago to eventually create the incredible music that they did... In the movie, they also touched upon a rivalry between Muddy Waters and Howlin Wolf and they had these two men not liking each other at all. I wonder if that was true. No doubt as musicians there was probably rivalry amongst everyone because of all the great players from Howlin Wolf to Muddy to Little Walter, Jimmy Rodgers, Hubert Sumland, Sonny Boy Williamson, Willie Dixon, John Lee Hooker, Bo Diddley, Elmore James, Jimmy Reed, Chuck Berry, and later on the incredible and often overlooked and appreciated, Buddy Guy who is a living legend right now..... Anyway, it was great to see this movie and I hope that it generates interest in these incredible stories, musicians, artists, people from the past... so many stories left behind and so many forgotten that should be told as often possible.... As a side note, I loved the strength and honest conviction portrayed in "Cadillac Records" by the character of Howlin Wolf. A strong man who took control.. Nice to see on the screen... I'm looking forward to the upcoming film, "Who Do You Love," which is also about Chess Records; sure to be entertaining as well and based upon the title, they haven't forgotten Bo Diddley in that one.