What will be remembered from today with fondness?

What do we have to hold on to and remember? Seems like times gone by provide us with are fondest memories. What will be remembered from today with fondness? I listened to a great interview with Al Bell who is the former owner of Stax records in celebration of black history month. That man’s life was/is full because of the remnants of his journey. He can recall some incredible moments and experiences. He can relive conversations, music, faces, spirits that still affect him today. That’s the beauty of living. Carry your memories with you and learn from each experience. Pay attention to your life; each moment is very significant. Don’t take anything for granted. Don’t fall into the automatic pilot zone of just blowing everything off and saying “same old, same old…” Most folks that say that look tired before the words come out of their mouths. Saying or perhaps claiming those words only compound the problem.

As I listened to Al Bell today, I felt his journey and I felt proud to listen to this man who basically came from the same era as my father. Then I heard Mr. Bell mention the name of a man who as a small child I saw on two occasions when my father took me to a Black Radio convention one time in Houston and another time in Los Angeles. This man’s name was Dave Clark, a well known promotion man back in the day. I shook his hand a couple times too and kind of looked up to him because everybody seemed to smile when he was around. They all had a certain fondness for this man simply because of who he was, who he represented, his accomplishments, etc etc.. Then I heard several people tell the same story about Dave Clark, how he never would fly on a plane but instead would drive to wherever he needed to go. I think eventually he had someone driving him as he got older. Looking back I guess that’s also one of the reasons everyone greeted him with such joy because he’d travel such a long distance to get there and when he arrived, whoever he spoke to listened and basically absorbed this man’s spirit. I feel blessed because of the memories I hold inside of me and marvel at my own journey; the conversations, the faces, the spirits, the stories, the music, the love(s)… life.. and the best part is that I didn’t just let time slip by without paying attention to each moment.

A friend of mine(Shelia Goss) tonight used the word "goldmine" in reference to someone who by most standards has it made when it comes to success, status, and the power to get things done. I admire this person that we spoke about. I admire this person's success and all that they accomplished on the trail to get where they are but at the same time I find this person missing out on the true gifts of the goldmine in which they sit on top. The gold is tarnishing/fading as the days go by because they allow really silly, nonsensical things to invade the importance of the bigger picture in life.. To help, influence, inspire, and affect others by example. EGO gets in the way and thus the goldmine fades in the worse kind of way... It resembles or transforms into karma... that, what goes around comes around scenario waits patiently close by... But, this person is on their own journey and I hope they pay close attention as I always wish them the very, very best..

Speaking of goldmines or what I would rather refer to as blessings.. I have to give thanks to great conversations shared with Meserette, a very insightful woman living in the United Kingdom. I've shared a couple of emails with her and I so look forward to the next one as we discuss life back and forth, debating about all it's possibilities so to speak.. I also send a warm smile and thanks to Tomo from Japan for what she likes to refer to as "power," which is her way of saying positive energy or aura shared between two people. I've enjoyed her enthusiasm and desire to accomplish.. And many thanks to the beautiful teacher and good friend of mine named Kattrina in St. Louis for all her help, her wisdom, and spirit... That's the best kind of goldmine to have at your feet.. Sharing and not taking for granted, wisdom, vision, memories, dreams, accomplishments, aura, spirit, life... For Black History month I'd like to honor love because despite the sometimes ignorance that we may witness from time to time, the most powerful thing that has sustained us throughout our history is love... So let us pray that people, that everyone finds the strength to follow love rather than ignorance... For some reason, these days ignorance is like a magnet that some just can't help themselves out of... they follow blindly...

VDAY Performance...

I had a great time today watching some very talented ladies perform the Vagina Monologues.. That was some deep stuff to listen, watch and be a part of..no pun intended with the word "deep." Respectfully, there was some really serious things presented but also a lot of fun and humorous moments too. The best performance put in by Rolanda Watts who really acted out her parts in a powerful way. Jessica Holter of the Punany Poets fame was there. She's a small woman with a very soulful, sensual, sexy spirit and voice... And the always infamous Zane was there and did a great job.. Kym Whitley was beautiful and funny as always... There were others but those were the standouts for me... I just wanted to give a shoutout to this very powerful stage show and salute everyone involved.. and ultimately, salute women as a whole..

Shot of the weekend..

The above image is my favorite shot of the weekend. I took it while driving. I pointed my camera without even looking through the viewfinder. I knew I'd capture something but I didn't expect to capture such a powerful story in one shot..

Short story for a collection inspired by a friend..

I sat in a strange airport looking like I'd lost everything that ever belonged to me. I was feeling like a brother from another planet. My luggage; I didn't know where it was, though I knew where it was going. I felt some kind of relief knowing that I still had my camera, my mac and other important items inside my carry on bag. I even had a change of underwear just in case I needed to be fresh when it came to that stuff. Traveling when everything goes wrong is the worse struggle a first-time-traveling-east brotha could experience. I was stuck in the Chicago airport. My luggage was on its way to LA without me and I could already picture somebody picking up my shit and walking right out the door with it. Even though they give you those baggage claim tickets, LA is notorious for not even checking. You can pick up a bag and walk right out the door, no problem unless the owner sees you doing it.

As I sat in Chicago, I decided to just chill and wait for the delayed flight to arrive. I had no choice when it came to waiting but I did have a choice on whether I'd sit there in a state of woe-is-me reflection or would I make the best of this situation and open myself up to observing my surroundings. I chose to observe. I couldn't help it. There were so many different people walking by with determined looks on their faces. Everybody trying to get somewhere. You could tell which person had either been here before or possibly lived here because they were relaxed and even smiling a bit. They could walk forward and not really pay attention to the confusing signs pointing in all directions. Then I noticed the people that I could relate to more. They looked confused. Their faces were scrunched up, trying to figure out which direction to go. Some looking for gates and other's looking for the direction of the baggage claim. I could definitely relate to what they were going through. I snapped a few pictures. My camera was like my best friend. I could point it in any direction and somehow capture something interesting. I was photographing shoes, legs, body parts, people in nearby airport cafe's deep in conversation, and others at the magazine rack, thumbing through the pages. My camera is digital so I basically experienced instant gratification. I took the shot and looked at the results. I was having fun...



Then I noticed this young lady, lost in a crowd of travelers that had just gotten off of an arriving plane. I took a shot of her pulling headphones out of her purse. She was cute. She looked asian; probably japanese. She sat down in the waiting area across from mine. She was dressed in this brown heavy looking coat, perfect for Chicago weather though it didn't look like this was her last stop. I took a shot of her. She dropped her bag and knelt down really fast so I missed. Then she sat down and appeared to have turned on her music because she was bobbing her head a little bit, closing her eyes and smiling. I took a picture of that. I had to shoot three quick shots before I captured the moment perfectly. People were walking by and blocking my view. I felt like a stalker when others were watching me photograph this lady but I didn't care. Once I was able to block out other's looking at me, I was in a whole nother zone. It was just me and her; this mystery asian lady. I was in sync with the bobbing of her head. It was almost as if I could hear the music she was listening to. I captured more shots of her. She moved her head slightly to the left and I snapped away. She smiled when looking to the right; I caught her again. There was something special about her. I could feel her spirit and I imagined different scenarios. Not so much me with her in the romantic sense but me just getting to know her and seeing her in a different light. That kind of shine that allows me to see and witness the real person underneath those headphones.



I got lost in my imagination to the point where I didn't see the young lady get up from her seat. I thought maybe someone was blocking my view but when they moved, she was no longer in that seat. I visually searched around but didn't see her. I celebrated quietly the fact that I'd captured her with my camera. It was a beautiful way to spend my time waiting in a Chicago airport for a delayed flight. Two seconds later, they announced it was time to board the plane. One minute after that I'd left my seat to stand in line. I'd seen the young asian lady sitting down in the very same seat that I sat in. I smiled and when she looked in my direction; she saw me. She looked away but then she looked again. She bashfully released her own smile in my direction. I boarded the plane feeling light on my feet with a beautiful vision to see in my dreams as I slept on the plane for the next few hours. When I arrived in LA, I prayed that my luggage was waiting for me and if it wasn't, I was at least feeling good enough to not let my anger get the best of me. I'd have to thank that lovely lady for the good feeling.





Copr.2007 Brief Moments Of Wished Upon Destiny

Written for someone who wanted to say this...

From the desk of love.... Every coming weekend felt like Christmas.. The anticipation so great because of all the words whispered through space and time. We shared real honest feelings with one another. We talked about more than just the future; we talked about now. She let me into her life in ways that as a man I must never take for granted. Allstar weekend, the Superbowl; none of that stuff got in the way or came before my lady but thank the lord and knock on many pieces of wood; my lady understands the enjoyment I get from those moments in life. I repay her with an extra dose of lovin and spoiling her with sincere effort. That's all it takes is real true effort. The best motivation for creativity is love. The best inspiration being the infinite possibility of the depths of that love... And then she'd ask me "where did you come from?" or complimenting my mother for doing a great job of raising me. I'd stop her from most of the compliments and thank her at the same time. I don't want to be placed on a pedestal because with the good comes the bad. I'm human so there will be times when I'll say the wrong thing. There will be moments when something rubs me the wrong way. I'm a passionate man. Honest. I react and with being human, reaction time is sometimes a little off and thus, feelings are hurt by something said. The downtimes ensue. But, when a man is true to the love he's been blessed with, it doesn't take forever to recognize the words of that Gladys Knight song. "Your the best thing that ever happened to me..." even if I'm new school and that was old... When a man is true with his actions and pursuit of a woman's love and respect, that mantra becomes etched in his heart and nothing should get in the way. He's motivated to live a little longer, breathe a little better, succeed a little stronger.. Make his destiny all about her and when God takes him away, he won't be afraid because he gave his best effort to do what he felt he was put on this earth to do....L-O-V-E...

History..

Hanging out in Atlanta with my mother over the weekend, I started to have a grandmother memory. I thought about my father's mother, mostly because my mother and I walked the streets near so many MLK monuments and also when I got home to Cali, my eyes glanced at something my grandmother cherished a great deal. This memory was sort of like a quick flashback of my grandmother, Senora. I remembered when she told me the story of how she was in Dallas when Kennedy was assasinated. She said she was coming out of a nearby store with a friend of hers and as soon as they saw people scattering and voices shouting the president was killed, she and her girlfriend got out of Dallas as quickly as they could. She said to me as she recalled this memory "they killed that boy so I went home and got my bible." The same sort of thing happened when MLK was killed. She said she went into the room, got her bible and prayed. Then many years later as she lay in bed unable to move her own body and unable to really communicate very well, I sat in her bedroom with her watching a news report about JFK Jr. when he died in the plane crash. They showed his face with his birth and death years at the bottom of the screen. Grandma asked "he dead?" I answered yes and noticed as she turned her head in the direction of that same old bible, unable to reach for it, she just gazed at it for a moment and then she closed her eyes... This very same bible that she picked up seemingly whenever something tragic occured as I mentioned is with me now. And as I walked the streets of Atlanta over the weekend with my mother, I couldn't help but think about not only my grandmother, but also about history itself especially as it relates to the recent events of this country seen through the eyes of someone whose lived enough years to experience it all in their own way; me... I got a little bit of history under my belt now but it sure is a blessing to see, hear and talk with someone whose seen and even experienced more than me... To be around history is a powerful thing; living or in spirit...

*note to my ATL friends* ==smile== I'll be back soon.. I just had to do this very special trip for my mother and to show her Atlanta for the first time. It was a very special time, we had a blast and I was proud to show her an important recent accomplishment of mine... *

Feels good to be a gentleman...

Even in the midst of all the booty-booty everywhere, it's nice to be a gentleman... I like doing it most times just because the old fashion, come to the rescue type of acts are filed in the same category as dinosaur bones... It's like an old relic of society as it's become cool to watch a lady struggle while you go on about your business, pull up your sagging pants, step through the door first and let her get the car door herself! Let's step back in time for a moment to today... I played the role of a rescuer, so to speak.. coming to the aid of a lady who just looked way too sad for words... Yeah, she was attractive.. I was guilty of first being motivated by that real time fantasy but I also felt bad for her.. This moment happened at a hand carwash. I guess she didn't want to go to the regular carwash where someone could wash her mini-van for her. She had two kids inside who sat patiently in their car seats. The lady got on her cellphone at first. I got the feeling she was calling her man. Maybe he was supposed to be there for her, washing the car so she wouldn't have to struggle with the kids... She appeared even angrier once she got off the phone. She told the kids to stay inside as she washed the car. It was both sad and funny to see her work the water hose thing and wash her mini-van. She was dressed in black sweats and a baseball cap pulled down over her head. Maybe it was a bad hair day for her but she still looked cute; no make up at all.. After she washed the car she pulled forward in the area where you dry your vehicle. That's when she really looked pissed. She just sat there. The kids sat quietly looking and I imagine they were trying to figure out what was wrong with mommy. I was done wiping off and drying my car. I turned my engine on and looked in her direction. She saw me and gave me a half smile; probably too tired and pissed off to give me the full version of her smile. I motioned for her to roll her window down. First I asked if she was okay. She just shrugged and gave me that half smile again. I said to her "I'll wipe your car for you, alright? You stay inside, no problem.." She was shocked of course because as I said, chivalry is ancient history...

So, I got some of my towels and wiped her mini-van off.. It didn't take long. I noticed her license plate was Louisiana. That gave me a little smile. One of my favorite states to escape to. When I was almost done she got out and said "thank you, I really dont know what to say... I mean, do I tip you? I mean-"
"Nah, I'm cool.. You just seemed like you needed a hand..." I told her.

I got the full version of her smile then and a little disbelieving nod of her head... I told her to hold up so I could give her a copy of my book. I gave her "Love Is Never Painless." I think my story inside is probably perfect timing for her and maybe somewhere out there when she has a moment to read it, she'll smile again... the full version... I drove off after that and she was still in disbelief but seemed very thankful... As I said, it feels good to be a gentleman...

2007...double-O-seven?

Life is soooo uncertain but sometimes you just gotta go for it... I've decided most recently to really take a look at and prepare for my future. To have some kind of security, if you will and to also have fun in the process of making sure all things are secure.. Still, it's at times scary... and then other times my confident spirit kicks in and my focus is intense... I basically know what I want and how to get there but one never knows what's around the corner... or who.. ya just never know anything, basically but you try to prepare and to hopefully learn from the past as well as the present...

New Year's morning I woke up thinking about putting together a little year end review like I typically do but I felt no motivation to do so.. Most of what happened in 2006 I can't really remember.. It's like it's a blur to me and most of it I dont want to remember by making myself remember.. I'd rather it come to me in the form of wisdom..that quiet voice that tells me "yeah, that's a good move.." or "no, dont go there... " So, I'm gonna skip the year end review stuff.. Pretty much the two major cornerstones of this year kind of make everything else a blur and that's the loss of my grandmother and the incredible rejuvenation provided by the trip that I went on during the month of November. I end the year taking major steps toward a dream and hopefully in 2007 a couple more dreams come true as I do my part in working toward making them a reality. Life is scary and it's amazing.. Life is uncertain and it's for real... Life is short and yet it takes forever to reveal what you hope to see... I pray my decisions are good, sound, and right for me... until that blessed time or moment when it becomes right for we...us... yet I can't claim that as part of my focus... not yet..

L-O-V-E

This morning I received an email with the title "Love Took The Change Out Of Me." I kept lookin at those words and was thinking that something looked awful familiar about it. Then I realized it was a title of a chapter that I had written in my story "Love Is 2 Blame," which is featured in the Love Is Never Painless anthology... I started to smile because once again I had received another beautiful response to my story. This lady told me that that last chapter was very inspirational for her so she had to email me and let me know. That's an incredible feeling and one that I've been experiencing just about everyday for the past three weeks thanks to everyone emailing me about how much the story has touched them... The emotions in that story are very real, some of the words taken from my own experiences, the feelings taken from my own hopes, dreams and disappointments, the characters....my imagination...

I have to send a shoutout to this young lady named Keysha who said my story inspired her to make a life decision.. Her decision was not to choose a relationship(s) she was unsure of but to instead choose herself. From what I could tell based on the options she mentioned, she made the best choice for her...

Love is something you gotta be sure about 'cause love is to blame for everything... good and bad..

Dreamgirl experience..

Tonight I had a pretty interesting and funny, movie experience... Dreamgirls... ahhh... beautiful people up on the screen but the most enjoyable part for me was before the movie. I typically am amazed by the action before the film starts. Watching folks decide where they're gonna sit and seeing everybody involved in various conversations. I also always seem to have the loudest popcorn eater sit right behind me. I dont know why that always happens. Tonight was no exception to all of that except this felt more like a concert audience than a movie audience with all the various outfits, beautiful women, and men trying to be too cool.. There were definitely some fine looking ladies and one gigantic haired lady with a super skinny body trying to find a seat. I'm grateful she sat nowhere near me because her hair/afro was just way too big.. Then I also noticed this really fine latina with long dark hair and brooding eyes walking up the steps and coming in my direction. She eye'd the seats next to me so I had a feeling that's where she was gonna sit. As she got closer I realized the big football looking brotha behind her was with her too. I didn't recognize him though we nodded at each other but the stunning latina I did recognize. I'll throw out the name(Ice La Fox) though most reading this will still not know who I speak of...lol.. As the movie was playing I had to look at her a couple times not because I recognized her but because thank God the seats next to her were empty because she was acting like she was seven feet tall and couldn't get her legs in a comfortable position. Sometimes she sat up, other times she stretched out...back and forth... and the big brotha just sipped his drink, yawned a lot and sat unmoved by what was showing on the screen...

Ahhh..Dreamgirls... For me personally, ummm.. it was okay... I wasn't moved by what I saw either though I enjoyed some of the music. I loved seeing everybody on the screen that was there. The casting was perfect but I just wasn't really feeling it completely or at least not enough to walk out of the theatre wanting to tell everyone they must see it. I liked it enough to say "hey check it out because you'll probably like it more than I did" *smile* but for me something was missing just as it was with that Will Smith movie... That certain something that just hits you, makes you feel like you're watching something amazing, grabs you emotionally sort of like what Jamie did in Ray. Dreamgirls wasn't it for me but I'm sure folks will love it.. Hopefully anyone seeing it wont be distracted by loud popcorn eating or laughter whenever the characters breakout in song.. Seems like some audiences today dont realize or recognize what a "musical" is. They forget that in telling the story, the characters sing... it's a musical..

Anyway, I did see a really funny preview tonight for a new movie coming with Chris Rock. It's called "I Think I Love My Wife" or something like that and it looks like something that folks can relate to... temptation and how to deal with it...or not.. *smile*

Happy fabulous Christmas to everyone.. The year is almost over... We lost the Godfather of Soul on Christmas Day.. RIP, James Brown.. Life continues on though, doesn't it? It' amazing all that we have these days.. the technology and the world at our fingertips.. The kind of information and advances to allow for learning a lot faster but human behavior and various mentalities really prevent society from truly making a step forward.. Personally, I think our best days and times our behind us.. I'm sure we're gonna have fun and do big thangs in this "keepin it real" world but back in the day was the real fun that admittedly we took for granted, during my time, before my time and probably generations ago but as a person who is growing quite fond of the past, it's never too late to recognize just what we had.. Yeah, we had issues with the whole civil rights stuff and all sorts of other movements.. Crimes being committed on people of color but despite all that, family was important and love mean't a great deal.. People of color went hand in hand with people of strength even when we of today's times misinterpretted those moments of strength..

Today, I had fun reminiscing with someone about pancakes.. This person talked about how her mother in Arkansas made her pancakes with the slightly crunchy edges.. *smile* I love those too.. I often did that by mistake even when I was trying to make pancakes like they do at the restaurant, so smooth and light... All that talk of pancakes reminded me of the summers I spent in Mt. Pleasant(east Texas) with my grandparents.. My grandmother(Senora) spoiled me with fresh milk straight from the cow, fresh eggs that I sometimes picked out myself, and pancakes made from scratch.. Some real country cooking on the farm.. She put some pounds on me so when I got back home in LA my mother would put me on a diet right away... Incredible days, sweet memories...

This past week I've been in touch with a relative that I never met before. He called me all the way from Delaware. A man named James Royal originally from Daingerfield, Texas with an incredible amount of information about family going way way back. The information is really something and of course it points out we weren't a perfect people but we were strong.. We were hardworkers. We owned and developed some beautiful land but typically the most fascinating stories are the ones about the drugs, crime, affairs of the heart, etc etc.. James shared with me information about his great grandfather Ben Royal born in 1860. This man had a white father and it's assumed that his mixed features were what made him attractive to women because he had plenty and took advantage of this constantly.. He fathered many many children, some of them with relatives like an attractive cousin or a sister-in-law that caught his eye. And all these women lived pretty close to him, sometimes even living on the same farm which he did very well at.. Most men back then and in these areas of east Texas had farms. There were even some women who did very well in these small towns.. We always hear about the struggles of black people back in the day but somehow there was folks making money and doing very well in spite of those struggles and predjudices.. My great great grandmother Mariah was described in one of the documents that James found as "Rivers family matriarch, Mariah, was a woman of substance and ingenuity with vast land holdings and a church named in her honor." She first built the church herself after slavery ended. The church still bears her name today but the tradition is being lost to the new generation who chooses to forget rather than to honor... That's the problem today... folks make the choice to forget thinking the past wasn't cool or had no relation to what's going on now.. My next book shows how incredible the past was and how it's so much a part of what some wish for today, everyday; wondering what happened to love...true love... Until Again is some powerful stuff and it came to be that way because I've chosen not to forget... My choice is a discovery that I wish I had made many many years ago.. I think if I had, I'd be a lot farther along in life but no matter because it still feels good.. You want excitement, love, danger, strength, happiness, sadness, passion, romance, tragedy, perseverence...look to the past..

Christmas traditional no longer..

Christmas eve I woke up feeling lazy but that feeling couldn't stop me from getting up, getting dressed and making my way from the valley to the city. I had to go in the direction that I'd travel for many years in the past to visit my grandmother.. Only this time the tradition included a detour... I can't go over to Adams Blvd and take the elevator up to my grandmother's apartment where the smell of good holiday food would hit you the moment you got off the elevator. I'd also hear the sounds of my grandmother's voice, my aunt Tamer's voice, my mother's voice, and maybe a few other's like uncle Charles and Richard and aunt Dee Dee. all those voices blending together to make up that familiar sound known as family.. Then you can add a few extra ingredients like my presence, cousin Vaughn and my other uncle Bubba... That tradition is one that was so familar and so always a part of every Christmas experience that like most things you do unconsciously you end up taking for granted as to how much those moments meant to you... Just thinking about those times allows me to hear those voices so clearly and smell the heavenly aroma of turkey and dressing, football game on the television, sitting out on the balcony, "fixing" a plate of food, my official job as potato salad taste tester, delicious bread pudding with the delicious sauce that my grandmother always made so good.. I got her recipe so I know how to make it but it ain't the same as when she used to make it all the time... Christmas past is no longer... As I said, this time the tradition included a detour... No longer traveling to Adams near Western but instead to the cemetery on Washington Blvd. where my grandmother was put to rest... I spent time with her spirit though I know she's all around me and always there looking down... I like to make sure she knows she's always in my thoughts as I whispered a Merry Christmas to her, brushed off the headstone and continued my day, driving off while listening to some Donny Hathaway and other old soul classics that reminded me of years gone by...

To be missed and missing..

I'm home from watching the latest Will Smith movie.. I already knew the story so basically I just wanted to "watch." I was hoping for a feel good type of story.. I can't really say it was that.. Mostly it just had me feeling and recognizing how close we all are to being out there on the street with no place to stay... The old cliche' "a paycheck away from homelessness" or something to that affect.. I dont know... Plus, I had recently made trips to downtown LA and took pictures of life down there in areas where homelessness is rampant... The lines for shelters are scary.. People lined up in droves, wrapped around several blocks.. scary... So, I couldn't feel completely good about the movie.. I enjoyed Will Smith's kid who was too cute but I waited basically for the happy ending so I could walk out of the movie feeling good.. I didn't really get it but on my way back to my car as I exited the theatre and walked through the mall, dodging a sea of white faces, some trying to bump into me and others just giving me mean looks, a tall brotha walking with his fine sistah said hello as if we knew each other and it felt good. There was my feel good ending... Dude looked like he belonged to some professional basketball team and he made me proud for that couple seconds of greeting and wishing each other well. No disrespect to anybody else but when I get a warm greeting by a black person it feels damn good...

Anyway, I did a little midnight car washing because my car was dirty and I want to wake up to a clean car tomorrow on Christmas Eve. Washing my car gives me time to think though the subject on my mind had been there for a couple days now as I found myself missing someone; an old friend... A friend who I spent Christmas with last year and really enjoyed her company. I sent her an email the other day wishing her well and letting her know that I hope she's having a great holiday season. Her response was a thank you but I could tell her heart probably wasn't in it.. You know how you can feel a certain coldness to words.. Her thank you felt real chilly...lol.. It doesn't hurt because I understand but I had to try and say hello to her because as I said, I miss her and her friendship.. We shared a lot of great walks and talks together. I took her to her first Prince concert. She's a great lady doing great things, I hope.. We crossed the line though we disagree on that perceived line... She wanted more than I did... More than friendship.. I just couldn't see us as more... We shared hugs, we shared a certain closeness and came close to that ultimate closeness, if you will but we didn't... A mistake on both of our parts but I like to think that as adults you can handle things like that. Her perceived line was crossed and she read too much into things I had written during that time which caused feelings to be hurt... She was done with me and still is.... but nevertheless, I miss her and wish her well... I dont seek forgiveness, though.. but I do apologize for the uncomfortable-ness I may have placed inside her heart... In my opinion, real true friendship should never end unless there's a real good reason... I can't recollect any good reason.. All I remember are the great times... take care old friend... :-)

Life is as it should...

Once upon a time I was with a woman who I loved in a way that was bigger than love itself.. She was my everything and all the cliches' wrapped up into one... I felt like I truly had a woman and I actually belonged to someone.. I'd overheard her saying to someone "that's my man!" and she said it with pride and I loved her even more for that... Then in the end, she forgot.. She took love for granted.. She allowed her life and others around her to flip the script, so to speak.. She got comfortable in taking me for granted and laughing at the fact that she could break my heart... Years later she's asking questions which are disguised... She's feeling me out for the possibility of getting back together but how can I when I remember the end... How can I when I remember being treated like shit? I remember being put in the back of all her decisions... The girls came first, then "me time," then trips somewhere else so she could getaway.. Then she'd come back and brag about being away yet I did nothing to crowd her space... She accused me of not being there for her and when she gave me that final blow of kicking me to the curb as I drove her to work in the early morning, she smiled at the fact that she left me sitting in the car in tears... It made her proud of herself... How do you return to that sort of thing? How do you repair enough trust to go back? Forgiveness only provides enough space for the makings of a possible friendship... Phone calls and concern for well being.. It's hard to forget when you're treated like shit... That odor in your soul that's left behind dont go away so easily... nah mean? I can forgive but I can't forget... Then I think about life as it is now and all the growth I've experienced in just being a man over the years.. It feels good, it feels great... A brotha on the move, thinking about his future, setting things up so he can enjoy perhaps an early retirement from the 9 to 5 one day... I'm on the verge of doing as I like to say "dreamstyle" things... A project in the works that I can't reveal but it's such a dream come true. Something I can be extremely proud of and say "I did it all by myself!" And then I can show my mother and let her enjoy it too, whenever she chooses... The only real thing I miss right now is my grandmother, Alzata Moorings but I bet she's proud too.. And one day soon, another dream will come true... My epic story.. Until Again.. released in a big way thanks to all the love and very special help that holds me up, keeps me lifted, and inspired...Thanks to Tee... I'm on a humble mission to simply live a good life.... no BS... no time wasting drama... no foolishness... I just wanna live a good life with passion and appreciation... From the heart... From the soul... I bleed with sincerity and respect...Dreamstyle..

Missing the road..

Tomorrow my road will lead back to familiar territory aka the J-O-B... It's always good to get back to work but I will definitely miss the road. I find myself trying to think and remember where I was this time last week. Every moment, every minute was all about the journey and planning everything at the spur of the moment. I had more fun than I ever did before on my trips or at least in a very long time. There were two other times which came close to being just as special and that was the very first trip I took about eight years ago right after my father passed away and then the trip I took with the special lady in my life at the time. That three week period it felt like we'd shared the kind of experiences that most couples take about ten years to experience. On this journey that I just returned from, felt like a lifetime of experiences too. I tried to squeeze in as much as I could and yet there was still a lot I wanted to do. And I definitely wish I could've stayed in Atlanta another week because that was too fun.

Looking back on my trip, the funniest moments probably had to do with certain hotels that I stayed at... It was hit and miss with those places but for the most part I always found some pretty good places. However, there were three exceptions. Three, dirty-funky-hotels that had me afraid to even touch the floor without wearing shoes.. The first was the Executive Inn in Mt. Pleasant, Texas. That place was nasty, the so-called highspeed wireless had no speed. The lady at the front desk was sexy and friendly, trying to show all sorts of cleavage but a pretty smile with curves can't entice me to spend the night in filth. Then there was the Best Western in Natchitoches, Louisiana. This was the place where I was like, there's no way I'm taking of my shoes or even placing my luggage on the floor. It was dirty, smelled very strange, and just felt unsafe to spend the night in without coming down with some kind of illness the next day... The last place that fit in the category of dirty-funky-hotels was the Best Western in Pecos, Texas. This place tripped me out. It looked nice from the outside and the people at the front desk were very friendly. Then when I got to my room I was happy because I had to use the bathroom really bad. After I did that, I took a deep breath, felt relieved and then happened to look up at the ceiling. I was like, what the hell? The celing was covered with about 30 or 40 flies... I couldn't believe those were flies at first so I threw a towel at them and they started flying around the room before returning to the ceiling... Yikes... That was a place I didn't need to be.

Now for the best hotels? Comfort Inn in Mt. Pleasant, Natchitoches and Atlanta(Union City). All three of those places made me feel at home and very at ease with highspeed internet that actually worked.. I miss all those experiences both good and bad.. That's what makes the road interesting and unpredictable... Great time...

Inspiration and Thanks..

  

Very kind words always give me inspiration... I have to send special thanks out to some ladies that recently emailed me. They thanked me for my novel "My Life Is All I Have" and my novella featured in the new anthology called "Love Is Never Painless." I wanna share some of what they said. I'm forever grateful for the kind words and inspiration...

---------------------------------

I used to really avoid black novels because I always thought they were
all about glorifying a ghettofabulous lifestyle (I don't listen to
hip-hop, either) and deep tragedy...until I started reading a few, and
not too bad, but I'm still reserving the right to be very selective.
Then I read YOUR book: gramatically astute (majorly important to me),
intelligent, insightful, and very realistic. Leesha was a personally
relatable character for me.

Thank you so much for the privilege of reading..keep up
the good work, and stand proud but stay humble!

--Sophisticated Sparkle

-----------------------------------------

Mr. Rivers,

I wanted to let you know I just finished "My Life Is All I Have"
and it was wonderful!!! I can see all the events as they unfold. I am a
Teacher of middle school kids and I see so many Leesha's at my school, I
want to let them all read the book. I think it would be nice to see
what happened to Scottie and if he and Leesah's path will ever cross
again. Again I enjoyed reading your book.

--Kattrina

------------------------------------


Hello V. Anthony Rivers,

I just finished the tri-book Love Is Never Painless written by you, Zane and Eileen M. Johnson I just wanted to tell you I really enjoyed Love is 2 Blame. I am a avid reader and a hopeless romantic. I really enjoyed the idea of one man believing in love and realizing love before it became too late. I just wanted to compliment you on a well written and wonderful story. It makes believe there is hope out there for everyone. When one door is closed another will open for you. Thank You and I look forward to your next project. All the best in your future.

K. Thornton.

-------------------------------------------

Hello

I just read your story in the book Love is never painless and it's
absolutely beautiful, only one problem WHERE ARE THE MEN THAT
EXPRESSES THEIR FEELINGS LIKE THIS LOL!!!!! I so wish I could find a man
that is a fourth like Malcolm ( maybe one day I will).
I loved the way you made me feel as if all the feelings Malcolm was
going through I could relate too, I eagerly anticipate reading more from
you

--Shanell

Going back to Cali....Cali..

As I make my way back to the land of earthquakes, fires, speechless eyecandy, glitz, glitter and wild times at Magic Johnson's Starbucks, I look back on this journey with bittersweet fondness... I've seen A LOT in every single mile... It's been incredible. I've shared some images in the blog but I've got about 200 plus other shots that I haven't shared but plan to put together in a really cool book that documents this time.

A few standout moments to mention of course are my time spent in Atlanta with my sisterfriend Kim and her family. That was an awesome time. I never felt so special and at the same time was never able to appreciate and checkout Atlanta like I did this time. I must say I can understand why folks love it so much.

New Orleans was mindblowing to me. I still love the town and pray that the help that's needed is directed toward the less fortunate rather than solely on the tourists spots. Make the whole city beautiful and not just the areas that get on camera.

Daingerfield, Texas.. Had a great time visiting family. A good visit with cousin Maggie and Big Mama. It's a sad situation back there with the young men carrying no respect and no direction on their backs like they think it's the best thing since chocolate candy. What they do or perhaps dont do has really brought down what once was not only a beautiful area but also a very special place for the Rivers family from all parts of the US to come and visit loved ones, past and present... It used to be 136 acres of beautiful land, horses, cows, well kept homes, and a very historical family cemetery. Now it's beer bottles stacked on top of each other, pitbulls barking, deteriorating homes, land no longer owned by the family, and so much more that make you shake your head and wonder what happened.

Mt. Pleasant... beautiful used-to-be small town and the place where my father and grandmother are buried. I enjoyed my stay to the fullest there. Still the best hotlinks and chicken-fried steak you can find anywhere. This place is full of memories for me that I could fill up ten books with...

I've got to give special thanks to a very tall creole gentleman that approached me in the backwoods of Louisiana near the Cane River. Mr. Chevalier came up to me, introduced himself and shook my hand really strong. He was impressed that I'd driven so far but was proud to hear me say how much I loved where he came from and my frequent visits there. He said to me "it's very easy to fall in love with this place..." It truly is and the tradition and respect that this area has for not only the living but the departed souls is something that everyone should pay attention to and learn from. You can see the love on everyone's faces and the easy smile they give you the moment they see you. This backwoods area is where the St. Augustine church is and I smile at the memory of seeing a couple people come to the parking lot of this church to pick up all the pecans that had blown off the trees after some very powerful winds came through. Actually, those winds felt really good as I sat in my car eating some delicious meat pies and drinking grape soda.. *smile*

This has been quite a journey.. I could fill at least two books with stories about it..*smile* It's not over yet but I couldn't resist writing down some thoughts about it as I begin the long trek back to Cali. It's been incredible but as one journey comes to an end, another one must begin... Gotta find Love so that she can accompany me on next years long journey.. For now, time to hit the road...

New Orleans (November 2006)

I was blown away by what I saw in New Orleans... Parts of the city is like a war zone and the French Quarter aint the same but they seem to be trying to rebuild it. The freeways are being rebuilt. Life still aint the same but I still love that city. Can never get enough of it...

Chillin in The A

Get Your Own! | View Slideshow

Journey continues..more to take in for the soul... It's been fabulous..

11-8-06 Collage

  

A Day In The Country

This is what I saw today... The country air is clean and life is slow, simple, and complicated too because the young folks got issues out here! lol.. Despite the beauty of what you see in the pictures above, there's a lot of disappointment and ignorance especially amongst the young black men. History is forgotten and pride only gets a shoulder shrug. It's been quite a trip.. enjoy the visuals.. It was beautiful taking all this in.. East Texas, aka Mt. Pleasant, Daingerfield, Omaha, and Pittsburg, Texas...

Road still smilin..

  

The road was still smilin on me today.. Seemed like there was a parade going on with all the NASCAR trucks riding down the highway in convoys. Each truck was very colorful so every few minutes I had something colorful to watch. Then came this moving truck barreling down on me and that began a little tit for tat racing between me and him... I knew I could pretty much leave that big rig behind but from experience, I learned that certain towns in Texas you gotta be leery of when it comes to the Texas Rangers being nearby... My prediction was right on time as me and the big rig were approaching Sweetwater. That's when you begin to see a lot of rangers. I slowed down and the big rig got a little excited so he sped up real fast and went around me. Seconds later there was a ranger driving in the opposite direction and I saw his head look in the direction of the truck. He turned around and zoomed on by. I got off the highway for a second just to make sure he didn't know we both were speeding. I bought a little snack and then got back on the road. That moving truck was pulled over and receiving a nice ticket. I was careful from that point on because Abilene, Texas is the same way. Texas Rangers driving up and down the highway constantly...

I didn't do much picture taking today but tomorrow I will finally be in the heart of east Texas so stay tuned for some amazing reflections and images of life in the country... This is where Mother Nature is at her finest.. *smile*

Day two..making my way..

  

I'm making my way to greener pastures and lovin every blessed minute/mile of it.. Texas is a huge state and I'm only half way in it.. Earlier today I passed through a town called Truth Or Consequences. Yes indeed that's the name of the town located in New Mexico. I'm still bumpin some Snoop Dogg radio making my trip a whole lot of fun.. I'm new to all this technology stuff so I'm like an innocent kid in this candy store lovin the fact that all these hotels and even roadside tourist information centers have the wireless hook up so I can jump online anytime.. And of course as an observer of life, my cup runneth over.. As soon as you hit El Paso some serious cow shit hits your nostrils in a big way and you know you're in Texas..lol.. BUT.. I love that smell because it reminds me of summertime on the farm with my grandfather back in the day.. And over the years I've learned big time that there's BIG money where that smell originates.. As you ride on Interstate 10 approaching El Paso you see thousands of cows..literally.. All of them producing milk that ends up in our local grocery stores..

Now I look forward to getting past all these dry land areas of Texas and reaching the promised land of east Texas.. Hopefully I'll see more curves as well once I hit Dallas and make my way further into what will make this trip it's most rejuvenating.. Curves..yes..lol.. Umm.. the kind that have smiles attached and beautiful voices.. There's been a drought when it comes to that good stuff during the first part of this journey but nevertheless, this has been fun and its just beginning. *smile*

On some Willie Nelson Ish...

  

As Big Willie Nelson would sing.."On the road again!" that's exactly what I'm doin as we speak and it feels really good.. This is a return to what I used to do every year around this time.. Take a nice long journey to whatever.. have some incredible times, speeding down the highway, flossing everywhere, eating delicious food, capturing life images, stirring up memories; new and old, inspiring smiles along the way and listening to interesting voices...

Whew..leaving LA was like being in an airplane, taxing to the runway but taking forever to get there! Traffic was everywhere and at a snails pace but I was blessed with a few moments which allowed me to fill my heart with a ton of patience..

First blessing was a quick visit from my mother who brought over a care package and some ice for my ice chest. She blessed me with a hug and the usual motherly worries that I dont take for granted as long as she doesn't drive herself crazy with it... I checked in so she knows I'm doin fine.. :-) Next blessing came when I visited my father's childhood friend; Vernice Lee. They grew up together in Mt. Pleasant, Texas which is definitely a major stop on this journey. I made his day by stopping by there. Then the last necessary stop to make this trip special was going by the cemetery where my grandmother(Alzata Moorings)is buried. I'm blessed to have had two incredible grandmothers who thought the world of me. This trip begins with that visit and once I get to east Texas I'll stop by to visit the grave of my grandmother on my father's side(Senora Rivers).

This is day one of what should be quite a journey.. I'm on some Willie Nelson ish and cant wait for tomorrow to come so I can continue.. Another cool thing I enjoyed today was that my recent purchase of an XM Satelite radio proved to be a good one.. They had the Snoop Dogg, Welcome 2 Da Church Marathon going on! No matter where I travel, I'm still westcoast! *smile* Snoop knows how to bring it musically playing everything from his latest stuff to some very old oldschool 70's joints... That was a beautiful thang! Blessings.. :-)

Cornerstone of love...

  

My heart still aches from this past weekend. The funeral for my grandmother was a very sad occasion.. It was a day I remember I used to fear would become reality rather than imagination. I used to think about it years ago. That day when this family would lose it's most important cornerstone and how we would all respond to it when we wake up and realize that there will be no more going over to grandma's place for a Christmas celebration. We called her "mother." Alzata Moorings. She used to always call me, Anthony P. It sounded like "Ant-nee Pee.." I dont know what the "P" stood for but it always sounded great coming from mother. We lay her body to rest on Saturday but I think her soul was already at peace. My mother said to me as we stood looking at my grandmother's body "she looks good, huh?" My mother fought her tears when she said that but inside I was thinking, why did she have to say that. I started crying then. Seeing my grandmother's body was unreal to me and yet it brought back an onslaught of memories from previous October funerals that I'd been to. Seeing a loved one's body in a casket is a tough one for me because it doesn't feel like I'm looking at the person but instead some kind of life sized doll. Maybe it's just me but again, it felt so unreal. Though I have to say, once the person closed the casket, I felt my heart drop. It was like my conscious mind and my emotions colliding... I fought desperately to remember that she was in heaven and not really inside that casket. My beautiful grandmother... And no disrespect to any of those folks eulogizing but for the first time that I can remember, none of the words sank in for me. I found no comfort and not much recollection for anything said. The only thing I remember was the performance by my uncle, Richard Moorings as he sang his heart and soul out... Always and forever proud of him... Life ain't fair when it takes away your grandmother but I know...Life is life and this is a part of living... At the end of the day as I walked away from my grandmother's place with my mother by my side, some nice words echoed from behind me as one of the two elderly women sitting outside said to me "your grandmother always mentioned you..." And on Sunday the first thing I did was return to the cemetery for my own peaceful moment with her... It helped but I still ache...

Kind of makes me wonder...

  

I shake my head sometimes, wondering why Police folks do what they do.. Why they direct their attention toward some and not others. And I'm not so much complaining about things on a racial tip, though I could. Not really complaining about a certain side of town, though in a way I probably am.. *smile* It's just that I noticed something today that was puzzling. I shot this picture above in the midst of my puzzlement, if you will. A group of fellas riding in this white car were stopped. Ordered against the wall, etc etc.. The usual drill. There was even a helicopter above surveying the whole thing. But then on another street there's lots of action going on. A situation that a passerby could easily figure out and determine that the so-called oldest profession was on and poppin. Not only that but it was going on steps away from a corner church. Police cars passing by every few minutes but never stopping. Again, I'm puzzled... Young brothas on cellphones watching the police drive by as they warn the young ladies on the corner but it's not like the ladies run the minute they get the warning. Nah, they just casually walk to another corner on the same street but anyone can put two and two together and figure out what's going on yet it continues to go on... And this sort of action on this particular street always happens on a Sunday afternoon... It was a trip to see but I guess things are the way they are for some reason that escapes me. Enterprising young men and women doing there thing? Apathy amongst the police folks? As long as it remains where it is sort of thing?

Yo..

  

Hellooooo to all my millions of friends out there who visit this blog and especially the four or five that do it on the regular...lol.. And even a wink and a smile to those one or two that peek in with the mindset of "I wonder what HE is doing these days.." :-) I've been on a semi-hiatus from the blog. The motivation for many things has been low. The writing has come with struggle though in my mind I still flow all the time... I've been lazy with putting fingers to keys. That motivation hasn't been there.. Life has been a trip, especially in this month with all the death anniversaries and now the loss of my last grandparent. It's been one of those times when I wish I could reach back and bring yesteryear forward so I could enjoy it all over again... We've got memories but ain't nothin like the real thing, as the song goes... Grasping memories... Maybe that's why I been listening to the classic soul station on the itunes radio so much. Actually, that's been a lot of fun because I'm rediscovering songs that mean't a lot to me and hearing stuff I never heard before because I was into something else..

In a couple weeks I will begin an old tradition that started when my father passed away.. Hitting the road and going on a journey that's purely motivated and inspired by the journey itself. I'll be headed south with one of my main stops being east Texas to visit family, living and deceased. Flowers for my father, grandmother and grandfather's grave. Visiting family and listening to familiar stories all over again. Checking out beautiful scenery and eating some mouth watering food... Hotlinks in Mt. Pleasant, Tx and meatpies in Natchitoches, La. The miles will take me far and the inspiration will stay with me forever once I return. Last year I didn't go anywhere and it left me feeling like something was missing. I vowed I would make my return to the road and document the journey along the way.. Perhaps it'll even get me back to blogging more frequently. I'm sure it will. Ain't nothing like being on the road. It's something that even my father would do on the regular. I may have inherited the roadwarrior spirit from him, traveling from town to town and witnessing the unknown, unexpected each step of the way. But of course I do it in my own style and that will be reflected no doubt.. *smile* Thanks to this blessing of photography I can capture and create. It's a gift that has kept me creative during times when I didn't feel like writing lately. Photography inspires you to look at everything in different ways. Even if your desire is to photograph models ie. women, you look deeper, you search for other ways to find and express the beauty from within. And my digital paintbrush/camera is about to be blessed not only with scenic beauty but I'm sure I'll pass a few incredible ladies along the way.

My last journey was beautiful.. It was a healing time. Healing of the heart because prior to that I was in love and that was taken away. I traveled with that love and we did some amazing things when we journey'd together. Those memories I carry with pride but they're- memories. The journey since then has been better, in a way...different though nothing replaces love per se. Ahh... but I found new discoveries, new cool spots, new smiles, new voices... Time will tell what this journey will bring... The highlight will definitely be seeing my good sisterfriend Kim in Atlanta and possibly a visit also in Atlanta with my other sisterfriend Jamise. That will be wonderful... The most magical time will be seeing my cousin Maggie.. A real true earth angel in Daingerfield, Tx...

In the meantime I want to give a special shoutout to a real cool brotha on the eastcoast, Slish. I visit his blog constantly and always enjoy it. If our paths should ever cross in person it'll be a great moment for sure and I'll have to buy him a sassparilla to celebrate! lol.. Much respect and appreciation for Mr. Slish out there representin in the best kind of way... Thanks to anyone and everyone reading this here.. *smile* Peace...

Ahhh... and one more thing I almost forgot.. Got a new book coming out.. Actually, it's an anthology put together by Zane that has been in the works for quite a few years now. The wait will be worth it in my mind because the story written definitely expresses how a man is capable of loving a woman and how that man's heart bleeds when all that he gave is tossed away... It's a good story. One of three short novellas in the collection called "Love Is Never Painless." Due out in mid November...

Rest In Peace

  

Alzata Moorings, my beautiful grandmother leaves this earth on October 20th. She's at peace now. No more pain... Looking down with love..

Weekend Down..

  

The adversary of life can sometimes knock you back down just as you think you've made strides to get to a certain point... That's when the inner strength must kick in and all those things that one must do to remember dreams, goals, and all things that stimulate your inner-self to say, "it aint over yet. You gotta do it! Keep on keepin on!" and all the other cliche's that have been handed down through time...

Last week was an interesting one. It was a time when memories collapsed upon me like a ten gallon water tank above my head. Not that it was bad and not that it was especially good but as my journey continues, last week was important. Sad anniversaries reminded me of what we take for granted most times...LIFE. Eight years ago my father passed away on October 3rd. The month also marks the fifth year anniversary of his mother aka my grandmother's passing and the one year passing of my cousin Natalie who left this earth a year ago, last week. And then there was something that happened to me a year ago on the night after attending Natalie's funeral that will forever leave a powerful mark in my personal journey. Not a born again experience or nothing like that but a life experience.. a new perspective...lucky to be here...still...today, experience.. I went through this moment in my life with a friend of mine who unfortunately after almost a year of silence I would have to assume is no longer a friend. That's sad because she was special and a blessing to know but folks have their own agendas, reasons, and other stuff that make them stick around or choose to leave... Thus, life continues on and it's been good but again, moments happen like an adversary with a strong hand keeping you from taking the step you wanted to take. This weekend was a little bit rough... I stayed home fighting a bad cold that knocked me for a loop and relied on infomation from my mother about my grandmother(Alzata) being evaluated by hospice. I know too well about this stage as I went through it with my grandmother on my father's side(Senora). With me being the only grandson of Senora and my father having passed away before her, I had the responsibility to make all decisions. That was a very rough time. This time all I can do is pray for my grandmother's comfort as the family on my mother's side attempts to adjust and accept what's inevitable. My mother is blessed to have a sister and three brothers to help her with all decisions. I hope they all recognize this and come together... Life aint always fun but it's always headed somewhere....

Flower

  

A flower blooms in the middle of men...

I was at the Silver Dollar Classic football game in Los Angeles on Saturday. It was a cool event. Alcorn State versus Morehouse. They brought some black college football to the westcoast and that's a good thing. Unfortunately there wasn't very many folks in attendance but maybe next year. Personally I had fun. I even captured a few cool shots with the camera like a shot of Denzel Washington on the sidelines and even a good picture of Snoop Dogg... BUT... nothing compares to taking shots like above. A beautiful lady looking incredible though at the same time she appeared lost amongst all the men. For me, no amount of football being played could ever keep me from checking her out.. whew.. I can catch a football game any day, but capturing a moment like this? Blessing..

Catch A Moment

  

The best part of photography is catching a moment... I caught this moment as this fella was standing in anticipation of a clear path of water that he could glide on.