Ol' Man Rivers

Joe Rivers 

They say ol' Joe Rivers was a mean one. They also said he was a womanizer and had his way when it came to that sort of thing despite being a married man. I guess just like today where the dangerous, crazy, gangsta-like mentality wins out over the so-called good guy.

Mean Joe Rivers was something else. I can almost hear his voice when I look at the picture. He'd say "whatcha got there?" He'd smile when you tell him it's a camera and then he'd say "let me sit on down here, take my hat off and you get a picture of my good side!"

"Which side is that?"

"Why, that would be right in front so folks can see Ol' Joe was a real proud man!"

He was definitely a proud man. A father of many and what they call a frontiersman. He accumulated about eighty acres of land located deep in the backwoods of Daingerfield, Texas. He lived not too far from his brother's, Solomon, General, and Charles. He had children that I'm not too clear on who their mother was. I've been trying to get that story straight during many of my recent visits to Texas. Each time, I come back with another story instead.

Upon my last visit I was told about a moment when Joe Rivers acted as if his manhood and leadership had been threatened. Joe had been away for a few nights. No one knew specifically where he had gone but they did know he was with another woman. It wasn't like he was really a traveling man so when he spent time away from home without letting anyone know, it was pretty easy to figure out what he was doing.

During this particular time, I was told that Joe was at the little market nearby and had seen his older son, George. He was shocked because George had money and was buying food. He'd learn later that George did whatever he could to earn that little bit of money from stacking wood to mowing acres of grass. George didn't want his family starving just because his father found something more fun to do than providing for his family. George figured he'd step up and be the man around the house.

Joe watched from the back of the store. Inside he was fuming mad seeing his son actually shopping for real food. After George finished paying for everything, he noticed he had enough change leftover to buy this little rag doll he'd seen hanging behind the counter.

"This here enough to buy that doll ain't it?" He asked the store owner.

"Sure is... It'll be an even trade there, boy!"

"I'll take it and give it to my little sister."

George left out of that store with a smile on his face. He got on his horse and carefully rode back home so he wouldn't drop anything. Joe bought the things he needed and was only about five minutes behind George. That was enough time to reach a boiling point once he'd made it home.

Joe saw George removing the saddle from the horse. He walked up to him and began whuppin on him, all the while letting George know what he'd done to deserve this beat down coming from his own father.

"You think you the man of the house now?" Joe shouted as he slapped George in the side of the head.

Most of the blows were open handed. It was his father's words that hurt George the most.

"I'm the man of this house! I takes care of this family!" Joe's voice echoed throughout those backwoods. Even the other kids could hear what was happening despite not seeing what was going on.

"But you not around!" George defended.

Joe's open handed blows turned to a close fist and one punch sent his son to the ground. Joe was a very strong man physically and just like all his brothers, Joe had big hands that felt like stone when clinched into a fist. As he seen his son lying on the ground, he took a deep breath and uttered one last time, "I'm the man 'round here son."

Joe disappeared and didn't come back home for another week acting as if nothing had ever happened. Life went on...

Daingerfield... East Texas Boyz

Daingerfield 

Everybody was breathing they last breath. All of us was bent over gasping for air. We never expected for somebody to get hurt. We was only having fun. Maybe my mama was right when she told me that boys can't be allowed to have fun unless there's supervision around. Mama was right but it was too late. Plus the guys I hungout with would only tease me if I tried to tell them what my mama say.

After a while we was all able to stand up straight. All that running we did was so that we wouldn't get caught. Nobody seen what we done but there's no telling. I dont know. We in the country so there aint no way for somebody to see. Vernice did most of the talking and warned all of us not to say anything.

"Y'all gotta keep quiet about what just happened, you here!" Vernice said.

Aint nobody answered him at first. Everybody just kind of look at each other. I was shaking like a leaf and looking around. Seem like everybody was a little bit scared especially Brian who was standing next to me. Seem like we always ended up next to each other because we both was the youngest. Vernice had to repeat himself but this time he said it louder.

"Y'all hear me! Keep what you seen quiet or we all gonna get in trouble!"

Earl spoke up. He was the tallest and skinny as a toothpick. Sometimes when Vernice get mad at him, he call him stick. This was one of those times.

Earl said "I didn't do nothing."

"You was there, stick! All of us was there! We take this to the grave or else you going to the grave."

Vernice looked around to make sure everyone heard what he said. I think he noticed how hard I was swallowing between each breath and he probably seen my eyes shifting from left to right. I was trying my best to keep from crying.

"Jimmy, you hear what I say?"

I nodded my head yes because I couldn't get the word out after Vernice asked me. He asked everyone else, one by one until we all agreed.

"Good then the best thing to do is stay away from that spot where we was just now. You know how people is. They gonna ask questions if they see you over there so y'all need to keep away for like the next month. You hear anything, act like you dont know nothin!"

Vernice was cool and calm. That's why he was kind of like the leader but at the same time, he didn't have anything to worry about himself. He didn't do it. We was all protecting Boston who was Vernice best friend. Vernice like him because Boston lives in a nice house and his parents got money. They moved to the country thinking life would be nicer out this way. Vernice nicknamed him Boston because he from some big city in the east. I dont know if it's Boston, though. I just know it's some place where they talk funny like him. Now he trying to learn how to talk like we do. It sounds funny, though. Boston; he a fat kid. I never trust him but since Vernice make the rules we all gotta accept what he say.

Vernice looked over at Chuckie. He the last one of us that aint said nothing. He just kind of looking at his feet and got his hands in his pockets. Vernice say his name and Chuckie act like he wasn't really paying attention to what was said before.

"Chuckie, you okay?" Vernice asked.

"Huh? Yeah, I'm okay."

"So, you aint gonna say nothing, right?"

"Nope..."

Vernice was smiling like he was proud of everybody but mostly I think he just enjoyed telling all of us what to do. I always wished I could be as tough as him but I was too little. But then again, after what we all seen Boston do, I never wanted to grow any bigger for fear that I might be strong enough to end a life just like he did.

Daingerfield copr.2005

Warm Shoutout

Shoutout 

Sending a warm shoutout to my favorite eastcoast (Virginia) cousin, Jennifer Rivers. I hope you're staying safe and sound in the snow... Thanks for keeping me in your thoughts and blessing me with your kind spirit. Spring is on the way so until then, here's a snow ball coming atcha! Just kidding.. (smile)

Me Four Years Ago

4 years ago 

"Funny how time only looks slightly different from yesterday..."

-VAR

Not A Test?

Rivers Queens 

I was sitting at home relaxing and thinking about the weekend gone by. I'm still feeling pretty good about myself and laughing at the whole experience. I sort of wrote it off as a test from above but a good friend of mine said something brilliant like always when telling me what my weekend was really about...

Carla said "It looks like the Lord is not testing you but.....preparing you for your Queen!"

That's pretty cool and then for some reason I drifted and began to think about Queens that have come and gone in my family... There are three major ones that I hear about constantly whenever I'm in Texas, visiting family on my father's side. I never tire of the stories and can't wait to hear more... They take me back to a time that I sometimes believe I may have lived in or maybe these beautiful spirits of the past are always sprinkling that magic dust to remind me of what's in store if you remain a good, strong and decent man... Oh, you can have your fun.. Boys and men will be just that, Boys and men... But, always remember kindness, respect and sincerity... It can take you everywhere especially if what you seek is the same as what you wish to give... Funny thing, when I talk like that? I dont always think it's me talking... That's those queens I speak of... Moriah, Lucy, and Senora Rivers... Collectively they are my great great grandmother, my great grandmother and my grandmother, respectively...

I hear so much about Moriah especially, that I would love to write a novel based on and inspired by her life. I mean, her journey which eventually brought her to east Texas is truly incredible. Some of it is hearsay and probably embellished over the years but even that's some really cool stuff. I've even recently heard tales about how my great great grandfather approached Moriah for that first time. It was some love at first sight kind of stuff. His name was Peter and I guess you could say he picked the perfect lady. A woman of strength and beautiful spirituality. She loved God so much that once she was no longer a slave, she built her very own church. I wish I could turn back the hands of time to that day and watch how it all happened. For now, I just listen and piece it all together. Hearsay or not; I love it all and it makes me proud.

I often hear stories about great grandmother, Lucy. I hear she was a sweet and very kind woman. Then I hear that she wasn't afraid at all to say exactly what was on her mind. She'd let you have it in a minute. I heard she was funny too and would catch you off guard as if her humor just snuck up and bit you... I didn't know her and I dont recall if I ever met her when I was a kid. She had to be a strong woman to put up with the habits of a wandering husband and raise all the children she had, especially those five boys that turned out to be good strong men. Her favorite son was my grandfather so I'm kind of proud of that. I think she'd be proud of how I've grown up too..

And then there was my grandmother, Senora Mae Rivers. She was a strong, proud woman who definitely didn't take no mess from nobody. She was so protective of her tall cowboy named Virgil Rivers; my grandfather. She was the brains, the beauty, the school teacher, the volunteer, the church secretary, the farmers wife, milking some cows, cooking some incredible "suppers," making her own butter, specializing in pear preserves and being proud of me from day one. All my grandfather did was just love her and admire her like crazy. I can still hear his voice whenever he called her name and I have a feeling when they reunited in heaven, the bells rang for days as one true example of soulmates found each other again. Grandma stuck around for a longtime without my grandfather and I could tell that she constantly missed him. I reminded her of him. I carry myself the same way but more so than that, I'm glad to know that she's up there with the real deal now, smiling at me on some days and shaking her head on others... The journey continues..

Blame It On The Vibe

Blame It On The Vibe 

Just blame it on the vibe that I had this weekend. That certain unexplainable something that lifts your spirit to the surface and gives you an aura that attracts and turns heads....perhaps.. I dont know but I had something going on this weekend. Maybe God squirted some magical dust on me as I was cruising around LA and it gave off an undetectable scent like a pheromone.. Or maybe it was an extra pep in my stride because I received an email from an angel(SS) that sent me to the moon, so to speak... A brotha was turning heads this weekend and it was cool but I stayed out of trouble. I just soaked up the positive energy and continued on my way. But, there was one thing that happened that I can't let go unnoticed without documenting it in my blog. This young lady of only 29 years old came over to me at the sports bar and was seriously hitting on me. It happened while watching the Steelers lose to the Patriots. She was giving me hugs and acknowledging my height like I was Lebron James, Kevin Garnett or somebody with a combination money and height! She wanted to buy me something to eat, something to drink and on top of that she wanted me to get her pregnant!! WHAT??? I mention her age because she kept repeating it to me and saying that she's getting way too old and wants to have a baby....NOW!!

Then she said "I'm not gonna sue you, I promise.."

She said that I'd only have to take care of her during the last four months of her pregnancy...In my mind I'm laughing and saying "oh my goodness!" This crazy vibe was hittin on all cylinders this weekend!! I'm blessed that the head on my shoulders works exceptionally good and knows how to over-rule any kind of thoughts that would surely get me in trouble...(smile) I'm still laughing about the way the conversation ended with this young lady. Her name was Nicole..

She said "my friends call me Nikki but because I want you to get me pregnant I want you to know my real name which is Nicole..."

And thus, my weekend ended and I was happy to get home safe and sound. I'll laugh about it some more I'm sure...

A Memory From The Big Easy

New Orleans Thoughts 


I've seen this place in New Orleans a couple years ago that still trips me out today... Every so often it revisits my thoughts. I place a mental note that tells me to drop by again when I'm in the Big Easy... I dont know the name of this spot but it blew me away. The close proximity of project housing and the cemeteries that surround it. Maybe for me as an outsider it's more noticeable but to those living there, they shrug it off as a normal way of life. I have a fascination with cememteries but I dont know that I would enjoy being surrounded by one. And this particular cemetery also holds the woman they refer to as the "Voodoo Queen," Marie Laveaux inside. Next time I visit, I hope to talk to some of the people living inside this housing project and get their take on it. While I was there no one was outside. The most I saw was the stillness of life gone by and a few footprints left behind in the mud. Yeah, I plan to return there soon...

LINP Teaser

LINP 

Yo, I'm apart of this fabulous, fabulous, fabulous collection of novellas (Love Is Never Painless) due out in the summer so I couldn't resist sharing this little teaser from the story. I loved writing this novella called "Love Is To Blame" for this collection. I was asked to write something from the perspective of a man showing perhaps the affects of a wounded heart... I think I did pretty good so check it out when it hits the racks! (smile) For now, peep out this little excerpt... Oh..and I sort of enhanced the cover in my favor here so when you see it in the stores, it wont be the same...wink...(smile)

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Shaylisa Jones loves to eat Pecans and drink Sparkling Cider late at night. She usually ends her day that way, along with reading a good book or calling up her girlfriend she’d met recently, about two months ago. Their meeting each other struck an instant cord of sisterhood and friendship. No subject is ever taboo between them but so far, time had not allowed for all their past experiences to be revealed. Recently, most of their conversations involved complaining about men. They wondered why most, if not all of the ones they knew seemed to have the same first name, Ex.
Shaylisa has had to deal with several by that first name but only one makes her wonder if she’d said goodbye a little too fast. Two years is a long time to just throw something away on a whim. How could she possibly wake up one morning, thinking and wondering about somebody else being the ideal man in her life? When did the man she was seeing become less exciting to her? When did things change? Doesn’t it matter that he gave her so much? Did she ever really care about him in the first place? Doesn’t she remember all the dreams she talked about sharing with him? She even looked him in the eye one day, assuring him that she hadn’t changed her mind about him being “the one.” She was probably motivated to lie because she and Malcolm were enjoying an all expense paid vacation at a resort in Palm Springs. All expenses were paid by him, as was always the case.
“Girl, I’m sick of trying to explain myself! Why can’t he just move on?” Shaylisa asked her girlfriend.
“Does he call you a lot?”
“No, he doesn’t call me. I got caller ID so I know he’s never called me since we broke up.”
“You mean, since you broke things off.”
“You know what I mean, girl.”
“Uh huh, so, why you frustrated with him?”
“Cause I got this letter from him. It just screwed up my whole day too! Almost made me want to call him up and curse his ass out.”
“Why, was it that bad?”
“Not really bad, just one of those guilt trip letters. Plus, I guess he doesn’t want any memories of me because he put all the pictures he had of us, of me, in the same envelope as the letter and sent them.”
“Damn, that man is wounded girl. I hope he doesn’t pass that pain on to someone else.”
“Should I feel guilty about that?” Shaylisa replied on the defensive.
“I’m not saying that, it’s just…”
“Listen, it’s not like I just disappeared one day. I didn’t leave some funky message on his voicemail. I told him in person how I felt and what I no longer felt about him.”
“Then why are you feeling so guilty now?”
“Because of the letter… He’s not a bad person. I don’t know. Can we just change the subject?”
Shaylisa couldn’t take what she was feeling. Instead of drinking Sparkling Cider, she put her girlfriend on hold so she could go in the kitchen and poured herself a glass of Merlot. Shaylisa brought the whole bottle with her and turned off the television before picking up the phone again.
“You still there, Cindy?”
“I’m here, what did you just do?”
“Poured a glass of Merlot ‘cause I need something to calm my nerves down right now.”
“You sound like an old woman! What were you watching anyway?”
“The Sopranos… Although to be honest, I’m not really in the mood to watch anything tonight.”
“Yeah, I turned my TV off a long time ago, girl.”
“Hope I’m not keeping you up too late Cindy?”
“No, before I called you, I was talking to this guy I met this past Saturday.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah, he’s fine, girlfriend. He seems to love talking and I don’t mind listening to him, either. I think we might be going out next weekend.”
“Seems like you’re not sure about him?”
“I only hesitate because he seems like a player. I mean, I met him at Venice Beach and for all I know, he probably collected a hand full of phone numbers besides mine. I’d rather be alone than to be with some man I got to share.”
“I hear you. I guess I never had that problem with my ex cause all he wanted to do was spend time with me. I couldn’t bribe him to spend time with somebody else.”
“Well, this guy seems like any lady in his life would come second to his own ego.”
“He’s that bad?”
“Hard to say, but it seems like it.”
“That’s funny Cindy. Girl, maybe you should just leave his ass before you even start down that road.”
“Don’t think I haven’t thought about it Shaylisa. That’s why I turned down his offer to have Sunday brunch. But, he got this sexy voice that had me rocking my leg back and forth when we talked tonight. He was saying some stuff to me that, oh my God…”
“Cindy?”
Cindy laughed as she anticipated Shaylisa’s next question.
“Did you just have phone sex with that man?”
“No, I didn’t!”
“Cindy Griffith, did you?” Shaylisa repeated her question, waiting for an affirmative answer.
“Girl, I almost did but I held my ground. He definitely stirred a little something inside of me but I had to end that conversation and tell him that I’d call him later during the week.”
“What did he say to that?”
“He just brushed it off and said, cool. You know how men with huge egos try play like nothing disappoints them.”
“Yeah, I guess so. I mean, that’s the thing about my ex, if I told him that I needed to go somewhere, he’d say it was okay and then he’d tell me that he’ll miss me until the next time.” Shaylisa said while imitating a sweet sounding man.
“What’s wrong with that?”
“Nothing, I guess, I mean…”
“Shaylisa, I know we haven’t known each other that long so I can’t really say much about your ex, but you have me constantly wondering who’s the real villain in your breakup. But, don’t get mad and think that I’m putting you down…”
“No, it’s okay Cindy. You have a right to question it, but all I can say is that for whatever reason I woke up one morning not feeling like I wanted to see him any more. I wanted to see someone different, if I was to see anyone at all.” Shaylisa attempted to explain.
Her words only revealed uncertainty or a sense of not really knowing what she wanted in a man or wanted for herself. The trouble with her indecision was that across town she had a man who in the six months since they parted ways, has yet to move on with his own life. Malcolm’s feelings for Shaylisa ran deep as the ocean and right now, his heart pounded constantly against the wall of his chest, similar to the waves crashing along the shoreline.

Copr. 2005

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Mentality Thang Or Just Plain Accepted...

New school way of life 

Mentality or accepted behavior? I was trippin out over a conversation I had with this guy. He seemed like a nice enough person. Greeted me strong and we connected real good with respect to being two black men enjoying the Steelers win over the Jets. The conversation was about women. Seems like this topic comes up in pretty much every conversation lately or maybe I didn't notice before. The difference being the person or people I'm conversating with.

Yesterday the conversation came up when this guy asked me how many women I had. I laughed. I figured he was teasing me. Maybe trying to say that I looked like I had it going on in the women department. Only in my dreams is that fantasy true... I told him that I was completely single and only needing to visit the ATM once a week.

"I hear you, black man" the guy said.

We sipped our drinks and glanced up at the flat screen monitors showing the game. This guy's name was Kevin. One of the bartenders was this beautiful tall sistah with a gorgeous smile. Kevin ordered some french fries and chicken tenders after she answered his question about whether it was cool or not to eat at the bar. Then Kevin returned to our conversation about women.

"Dude, I have a lady and she's cool. We been together going on three years now" he said.

"Sounds like a good thing..."

"Yeah, but I met this other chick that I went out with last weekend, dude. This girl blew my mind when I seen her so I had to see what was up with her! You feel me?"

I just smiled but inside I was thinking about the fact that he told me he had a lady. I had a feeling he wanted me to high five him and hoop and holler but I couldn't. I just smiled, sipped on my drink and continued to listen.

Kevin said "yo dude, it's way too many women out there, especially in LA! It dont even make sense no more to just have one.Plus these women nowadays expect that shit."

"Expect it?" I asked. I tried not to give the appearance of being in shock but I was kind of trippin over the things he was saying.

"Yeah, they lookin at you from the start figuring that you got somebody but they dont care. That just make them come at you stronger. The best thing you could do is hangout with your lady at a club and then return a week later with your boys and see what happens."

"Oh yeah? What's gonna happen?"

"Shee-it... What you think? All them women that seen you with your lady gonna be knocking over chairs trying to get at you!"

I laughed at the visual of women bumpin into furniture trying to approach one guy but I listened. I also remembered in the back of my mind another guy trying to convince me that a man and one woman exclusively was a thing of the past. This other dude claimed that each lady was just a pitstop until you just got tired of changing partners. I had trouble with that analogy. I know we take from our experiences in life but I could never make a commitment to a woman with the idea that one day it would be over and that would be the natural thing to do. Times have changed and people seem to accept what's on the table rather than expect more. My thing has always been to never settle for less and to always seek out that relationship which will last forever. Funny thing though, fellas that practice what Kevin and the other guy preached are typically the ones who always got a woman. In essence...accepted behavior... new school way of life...

VAR 

A Letter From Julian Woods

Zena and Zenobia 

I'm an artist blessed with a gift. This gift has allowed me to see into the past. A kind of past that I'd always wave off as nonsense. I'm really not into slavery. To be honest, I dont even like hearing about it. Somebody once gave me a DVD with all the episodes of Roots on it. I was like "why you give me that?" I took it home and just tossed it on the couch. I was in some serious denial because for a longtime I'd kept something to myself. That something was pretty wild and probably no sane person would believe me if I told them about it. When I sleep at night, I'd have some intense dreams. Not just your typical dream... These dreams took me back to that time that I'd try to consciously not pay attention to. My first dream was about a woman named Eula. That vision was so powerful that when I woke up, I reached for my sketch pad and tried to recreate the image that I'd seen. Funny thing, I really didn't have to try very hard. It took me about ten minutes to draw every detail of her face. Eula was a hard looking woman but that's only because the slavemaster kept her in the fields day and night, working her like an animal. Like I said, it was wild being able to travel back inside a dream and then pull Eula forward so that I could recreate and actually paint her on canvas. I've never done that before with folks that I see on a day to day basis. I might remember some sexy lady and draw her but nine times out of ten, I'm doctoring the image up to meet my own fantasies. With Eula, I don't doctor it up at all.

Time went by after I'd created a couple portraits of Eula. I gave the paintings to my buddy Byron who has his own art gallery over in Lemiert Park. He was pleased and I pretty much assumed that those special dreams had come to an end at that point. I'd began thinking that craziness was just a fluke and I'd have to go back to just imagining what a slave might look like inorder to finish this special project I was doing for my friend. I just needed to paint maybe three or four more portraits; no problem. But then it started up again... whew... talk about some twilight-zone-style time traveling! I went back in time through my dreams again and met up with Eula's younger sister, Zenobia. I couldn't believe all this was happening inside my head. It's not like I'm talking to these people, though. I'm just watching their lives play out and strangely enough, I'm also able to hear their voices and listen to their thoughts. Crazy; I know... And I still ain't popped open that Roots DVD yet so it's not like I'm subconsciously going nuts over watching too much Kunta Kente and the crew. Plus, this Zenobia was finer than any woman I'd seen in my own lifetime, let alone during a time that existed hundreds of years ago. She had me mesmerized like I'd gone into a coma and found that white door leading to heaven. Zenobia was out of this world beautiful. And yeah, I did the same thing that I did with Eula, I grabbed my sketch pad and brought her image to life. I'd transferred all that I'd seen to canvas and gave her color. Zenobia was amazing with all that hair wrapped up over her head, a white cotton dress, and some white chocolate mocha skin. (laughing) She had me salivating. But nothing.... I say, nothing made me lose my mind more than when I met this chick at Starbucks whose name turned out to be Zena. That's when I started to say to myself, "no more wine or alcohol for me!" That painting that I did of Zenobia? That actually looked just like Zena... And from then on, I've been trying to figure out why...

Until Again,
Julian Woods

Copr.2005 Until Again

Innocence Inspired...

Innocently real... 

What keeps me the way I am and how I feel... That belief in part that love remains so real.... Innocence.... I know I've seen a lot and been through some stuff but somehow through it all I've kept a certain boyish innocence... I still get nervous before saying hello or introducing myself to a woman that has caught my eye. Similar to that time back in Junior High when my heart was beating so hard, you could see my shirt actually moving. I thought I was gonna have a heartattack. That happened because I wanted to speak to this fine ass girl named Dedre Chachere... She would later turn me down because she said I was too young for her. She was a whole grade ahead of me but there were times when she would look in my direction and say "there's something different about you... you're a nice guy..." Those sort of words have followed me forever and so has the nervousness... It's that innocence that has remained with me like a badge or an encouraging reminder...

Now, I walk with a certain degree of sarcasm and the patience wears thin pretty quickly but most of my wounds remove easily, well...for the right somebody they do. I spoke to someone today who voiced their displeasure about women, specifically black women. He was angry because of the ones in his life recently as well as one particular woman who made a good friend of his reach the same conclusion that he did... They both are on that kick right now of going elsewhere for their female companionship aka not dating black women. I can't go in that direction. It makes no sense... Never have I been wronged by "black women." I've only had situations not workout with three or four in my life. They happened to be black but their decisions weren't based on being black or being a woman. They tripped on their own, which of course was silly because I'm a fabulous dude! (laughing) JUST KIDDING.... I can't give up on women... Refuse to give up on love... That innocence keeps me that way... What's changed is that I'm learning to communicate my displeasure and I do carry some of that(a lot depending on the day) with me... Baggage left behind by certain ladies, each one reminding me of good times and each one reminding me of bad. A couple of them even have a special asterisk by their names and then if you drop down to the description detailing why there's an asterisk, you'll see the word(s) asshole. I'm only human, but hey...I'm still innocent too...

Something that I like to do is collect greeting cards...blank ones with beautiful pictures.. Cards that I can one day fill up with words because I was inspired to do so. And then I'd send them to friends and family and not just on holidays but any day the feeling hits me. Or, I'd send one to some unsuspecting person like a beautiful, gorgeous doctor that I've admired who seems very genuine like she deserves the world because I know she's probably real cool people. I can see it in her spirit. I hope this gesture will inspire her smile and eventually she'll say thank you... That sort of response I place in my heart and take it with me. It's a real cool feeling that comes with the territory of being a giver. (smile) I have no expectations for more. And then I smile when my words are taken even deeper than they're sometimes mean't. Certain friends become speechless.... disappear... and then wonder... But yo, all I've done is express truth... appreciation...admiration...respect...love... All that good stuff hangs in my heart like shirts in the closet waiting to be worn and perhaps shown off to the world... And I love to give sincere shoutouts.. The sort of thing that has meaning and can be felt by those you acknowledge. Love is never a practice run for me; it's the way I live one hundred percent of the time, probably leaving myself open for the possibility of disappointment... But guess what? Whatever will be....will be...

Chained To A Crazy Dream....

Chained By A Crazy Dream... 

During the holiday season next year? I wanna be in the country, chillin in the cold weather and surrounded by beautiful colors and dreams... I wanna be with somebody then, sharing my history and learning about hers, no doubt just as fascinating. I wanna detour and sign books and thangs... Tell folks that love is important and dont always have to be a painful, drama filled journey clogged by two minds clashing and wasting unnecessary time strangling each other's existence.

Yo, I wanna share some hotlinks and rub off the grease with soft kisses. Take her to places I like to call my heaven on earth and discover new areas along the way... Make some plans for the meantime.... for the future or whenever; I'm flexible... Share my world as she shares hers... Allowing no boundaries to exist unless you count laughter and smiles because most of our conversations will end and begin that way... Only time floats in front of us as we do our best to make the best of every second... I'll chop down one of them pine trees growing in the field in Texas or just decorate all sixty of them (my last count) with ornaments and pretty garland. Run around like little kids because we created our own little Santas village. Who this partner be is unknown to me but she will be found and along with success and a re-dedication to my dreams, it's all gonna happen because I'm claiming it and I know that this can be..... sincerely, a most of the time good guy known as Anthony....

Never Known Before.......

Never Known Before 

We spoke just two weeks ago. It was funny because we joked about cooking for each other one day. I think it was just his way of trying to get me to come see him. More than a thousand miles separated us so our contact had always been limited to the occasional phone call and emails. I've know him for years like this and even from a distance he's touched my life in a special way.

When we spoke a couple weeks ago, it was really enjoyable. I dont think I've ever had as much fun with him over the phone as I did on this night. His dinner menu was just the same as mine and when I called him, he'd told me he was sitting down enjoying his food.

"I can call you back..." I told him.

"No, no...we can talk. It might be a long long minute before you call me back. You know how you do!"

"I'd call you right back!"

I laughed at how he tried so hard to keep me on the line. His efforts were sincere and I was just teasing him anyway. I really did want to talk.

"What you doing over there?" I asked.

"Eating..."

"What you cook or did you do like most guys and go get you something to eat?"

"Why you player hating?"

"I ain't hating!"

"If you must know, I cooked me a nice meal over here despite not having anybody to share it with..."

"Yeah, yeah.... what you cook?"

"A little boneless turkey roast thingy, some cabbage, some hot water cornbread and some black eye'd peas!"

I teased him about his black eye'd peas and then confessed to having cooked the same thing. I was one up on him in that I also made a peach cobbler and had real turkey instead of that processed thing that they turn into a roast. I teased him about that too and then at the same time we decided to have a spoon full of peas together.

"You ready?" He asked.

"Yep, I'm ready silly..." I said while holding the phone with my left hand.

This whole thing was his idea but it was fun. He began the countdown.

"One...two...three...eat.."

We both laughed while attempting to chew our food and then we talked some more. Actually, that was the last time we spoke. I didn't hear from him until today, though this time was different. Someone spoke on his behalf, telling me that Michael had something he needed me to see. I questioned the word, needed and asked why. This person speaking for Michael responded very quietly. He had to clear his throat before saying anything.

"He wrote this on a legal document as his last wish..."

"Legal document? What are you talking about?"

The man said to me in a no more questions asked sort of way, "I'm sending you a ticket and this legal document. That's all I can say, for now..."

The man speaking for Michael did just as he said and I'd received a ticket to Dallas. From there I was to drive about eighty miles to a town called Sulphur Springs and locate a woman named Virginia Irvin who would then take me to see this place which was described in the legal document.

When I arrived in Dallas, it had been raining. The skies were cloudy and the ground was wet. I wasn't too crazy about driving on the damp streets nor was I too excited about traveling to somewhere I'd never been before but for whatever reason, this was important to Michael so I had to do it. That was the kind of friendship we had. He never hesitated to do things for me and I know with his crazy self, if I asked him to come see me he'd try his hardest to be on the next plane out. I laugh about it now. He never changed when it came to showering me with kind thoughts of appreciation over the years.

Seems like a lot of memories hit me as I drove down the I-30 to get to Sulphur Springs. The memories were all good except for the one when I broke Michael's heart. I convinced myself it was necessary and unavoidable. That was maybe four years ago and I've questioned myself ever since. I guess what's made it a little easier is that our friendship continued and has been very sweet.

I pulled into this small country town and found the agency where it was stated that this Virginia woman worked at. I gave them my name at the front desk and immediately they seemed to know who I was. Everyone smiled. I guess with this being a country town realestate agency, there were no secrets between anyone. There were about five people in the office and I was introduced to all of them. Everybody said they'd heard about me and I wanted to know how or why. Nobody answered.

Virginia drove me to the outskirts of town. We cruised down a couple really pretty tree lined country roads. She asked me how I felt about what was left to me. I told her that everyone was being so secretive that I'd had no real clue what she was talking about.

"I'm thinking that Michael is playing a sick joke on me because he knows my curiosity is such that I'll take a chance and see this through" I'd said.

Virginia just smiled and then told me that the next driveway would be our destination. We pulled onto this beautiful piece of farm land. It was absolutely gorgeous despite the muddy areas caused by the rain that had just passed through. There was a house in the distance that looked huge and a barn that looked like it hadn't been used in a longtime. It felt good to see all this because it was the perfect country home. It was the kind of place that Michael would love. Then I began to think to myself that maybe this was a special surprise somehow. Like maybe Michael put me through all this just to see the shock on my face when he tells me it belongs to him.

I looked at Virginia. "Michael?" I asked as I stretched my arms out imagining that all of this belonged to him.

Virginia just nodded her head, yes. I wasn't sure if she quite understood my question because she didn't smile like she was happy. She simply handed me a pair of keys and gestured for me to use them once I got to the house. It was so beautiful too. The front porch had Michael written all over it. The rocking chairs and the way it wrapped around the house. I remember him always telling me he wanted one someday.

When I walked inside the house, it felt like this place was truly meant to be a home for some lucky person or family. It was so warm and inviting. The fireplace in the living room was gorgeous. Virginia stepped inside and led me to the kitchen. There was a picture of me on the center island. I remembered the picture as being one that I'd asked Michael to make a copy of since he took it four years ago. He never did it and eventually told me that he loved this picture so much so that he wanted it to be the only one of it's kind. I wanted to strangle him for that but I've lived with his decision.

I'd shed a couple tears when I saw the picture. I knew then that something was up and I was here for a reason. That's when Virginia handed me another set of legal documents which stated that this beautiful property now belonged to me. Michael had done this. It was in his will and just like he'd done so many times before, he'd found a way to bring a smile to my face eventhough sadness flooded my heart. Sitting next to the picture of me was a bag of black eye'd peas and a measuring cup. I guess he was trying to tell me something...

No aquaintance forgotten... Hello 2005

2005 

Another year whisking by like the high winds that we experienced last week in Cali.. Over turned trucks and trees blown down, reminiscent of all the passion and velocity of time and experience. My life remains full though not always with the things that I dream about. I guess I remain at all times in learning mode and trying to figure out the most sincere steps to getting to my imagined promise land... A place where I find myself holding copies of two novels I recently completed, one of them being a very special story that was inspired by a very special woman. The title alone, a tribute to her as well because we ended every email... that way...

The promised land is also about family and spending more time celebrating that sort of love. It's never done enough and in my eyes is taken for granted, day after day... Time and forever just dont exist any more... The only thing that lasts forever is what you feel for those who made a great impact on your life. That impact can be negative or postive. I've had both.

I had two conversations in the last two days that stand out for me. If the promised land were an island, these two voices would represent a beautiful sailboat taking me there. The first voice was familiar to me though we talked non-verbally; the blessing known as instant messaging. This voice lifted my spirits. It reminded me of good times and similar hobbies. This voice has impacted my life and even though there's been some not so good moments, the moments have been mostly good. This moment left me hoping. Not so much for anything deep as the depth of our friendship flows in ways that are accepted and sometimes ignored but that's alright... The hoping is merely the chance to share what I've seen. Visions and blessings like the beautiful country side that I've told her about on many occasions or those special moments when the heavens open up above. I usually see that in Louisiana. I've always dreamed of witnessing her reaction as she sees it for herself and then her voice when she tells me about what she's experiencing... That would be the ultimate in cool... Maybe it'll happen...ahh, who knows... Right now it's just a daydream, which is good enough for me.

Speaking of voices... I heard a new voice... a different kind of voice. I could tell she'd been curious to speak with me and to hear my voice; my thoughts. She was so nervous. She scratched... She sat on her hands. She put her hands inside her shirt. She didn't know what to do. It was cute and a nice feeling to know that somehow, she wanted to bring down that invisible barrier which separated us. I had no reservations whatsoever about welcoming her into my space. I was happy to see and hear her communicate with me. I spoke softly and made sincere eye contact. I listened to every syllable of every word that she shared with me. Her twitching ceased. She relaxed her hands more. They only moved when she reflected on her culture and shared with me a memory on the differences between here and where she comes from. I told her to hold on to her tradition while at the same time be open minded enough to learn from and enjoy her own experiences each day. I'm not sure she got what I meant but I like her curiosity and enthusiasm. She loves someone that's dear to me and I pray he celebrates the differences that his young lady brings to the table. She's got a good heart and she could be a great partner in life, especially if he's receptive to her own way of shine. In essence, allow her to be the individual she is even if that means she talks a lot... (smile) That's a part of who she is and in her case, it's a good thing...

2004 was an interesting year. I'm trying to remember how it all began but I can't. I cant even remember where I was last year this time. For me, that's not a sign of age so dont start saying a brotha is losing it! (Smile) Nah, for me this is a sign that my year was filled to the brim with experiences galore and it truly was. Once again, good and bad...I probably spent too much of my year hating a certain person from my past but I believe in honest feelings and those were honest to the fifth power. And even though I sometimes diffuse the hatred, I'm not so sure that it disappears completely. That wound was cut deep but thankfully, it hasn't stopped my life from being a good thang.

Once again this year I went on one of my travel journeys. There's several pictures and words in this blog that document that experience. It's an incredible feeling to go back into the country where my ancestors lived and continue to love from above. I can feel their spirits constantly. I remember brushing past a middle aged woman in Opelousas, Louisiana who said to me "powerful spirit young man.." and then when I said "huh?" she just smiled. She didn't repeat herself but in truth, I did hear her. I guess I just wanted to hear her say it again. Then I remember pumping my gas and a white man saying to me just before climbing into his truck "you a long ways from home, ain't ya?" He'd noticed my license plate. Someone else actually answered the question for me. This black man said "nah he ain't!" and then he tipped his hat and returned to pumping his own gas..

It's been an interesting year... I've gotten to know people that I didn't expect to meet and meet people I didn't expect to know... I've done some booksignings though not nearly enough. I met people that looked at me different because I carry the author before my name. A book with my picture on it..whew.. It's crazy cool.. Memphis was where a woman asked me "how you know what a woman feels?" I dont think I did a good job of answering her.. My mind got all jumbled from so many thoughts blending together. Of course after she walked away, the answer hit me but I can't remember it now... (smile) I think I came to some kind of brilliance about me not exactly knowing but more so having that special talent of simply being able to listen. Listening with sincerity is a beautiful thang.. An unselfish act that escapes certain folks.. I could name a few...

And oh my goodness..2004 represents the first time that I flew more than a couple hours to get somewhere! Hated it! (smile) Actually, it wasn't too bad.. The flight was smooth but the seating was crazy uncomfortable!! My knees were so messed up on that flight but once I made it to where I was going, I really enjoyed myself. I went to Baltimore for the first time. It was cool... I walked around..Loved the architecture of the buidlings downtown..Very cool.. Other long flight experiences included a trip to Memphis but that was a better, more roomier plane and them good folks thought I was a San Antonio Spurs basketball player so I got even better treatment.. It was nice...

2004, I enjoyed LA more than I have in the past... I guess I investigated it more.. Took in a lot more sights, sounds, voices, and experiences. Found common bonds between folks looking for an escape from the angry gotta get where I'm going mentality that's passed from people to people in this city. I also went deep into various hoods and found enjoyment....positive stuff... Even the negative was fascinating but I never indulge, I just document in my mind and allow it to influence and inspire.. I feel so blessed to be able to go from a country experience to a city one and enjoy both, equally. It takes some adjusting each time but it's good and necessary...

Funny thing, I can remember a moment during 2004 when I did some serious house cleaning. I'd finally gotten the courage to throw away old memories, pictures, a t-shirt, a stuffed animal and other knick knacks that I didn't want to claim and still never wish to claim, ever again... I succeeded and felt good about it but then I stumbled upon two cards given to me back in 2001. I found no reason to throw those away. I smiled because one card and envelope still carried a few old dried up rose petals. The second card only contained the cute words that touched my heart back then. It's really amazing to me how from July 2001 to January 2005 the perfumed scent on both cards has remained. All I could say was "wow!" and then I sniffed a couple times just to visualize the woman who picked out the words inside and wore very proudly the beautiful scent that I could still smell...Keeping those cards was mandatory to remembering one of the most special times ever in my entire life. Fast forward to today as I claim this lady as a dear friend of mine, a "true" friend and she's real cool because she reads all my shhhh...eeeet!(smile)

2004 I still got them angels keeping me lifted aka friendship, prayer and support from Missy Jenkins, Shelia Goss, AN-gela Schmidt, Mia Sims, Monica Baker, Kim Roseberry and the neverending light from a powerfully deep source named Cherryl Floyd Miller... Oh..and my little big sister who I send out daily smoke signals to, praying she'll surface so we can talk for a couple hours and I can feel okay again... That be Jamise L. Dames... 2004 also brought a fabulous new sister in my life by the name of Carla Barclay who always be threatening a brotha by saying she and her family gonna feed me the best darn southern/Texas food in the whole wide world!! I'm looking forward to that as well as meeting her mother and husband who probably got some stories I'm dying to hear... Plus I got this cool friend who sounds so country I figured she lived in the deep south. I didn't know folks from Virginia had so much southern soul inside they veins! (smile) I'm speaking of my good friend, April (A.J. JD) White... She funny...I also met this very down to earth cool lady named Sammie. She carries with her a powerful story of survival, tragedy and more survival. She's faced challenges that I can only visualize when she shares her journey because living it? I ain't come close but I'm blessed to have her as a friend. Yeah... 2004 was cool in that it showed me that good people always float to the surface and reveal themselves in your life when you too, are good... I've seen examples of what not being good is about and I dont want to be like that....or her... I know I'll have my moments... Shoot, I even sometimes get tired of people but my "goodness" (the real ME) shines through... I even reach out to folks who act like they hate the ground I step on even though they dont even know me...(smile) That's my nod to a woman who wastes time being angry and probably screwing up all that inner glow which keeps the outside blessed with shine...(smile) I woke up today and read something online which said to think each day about how you can be a blessing to someone. And I say to that, I'll try... Though actually, I think I do that unconsciously anyway....well, sometimes... (smile)

And now here comes 2005....whew... what's next God? But first at 11:59pm on December 31, 2004 you'll find me closing my eyes for a moment and saying a prayer no matter where I'm standing or sitting... And then, I guess it's on... And hopefully it gets better.. And may the downtimes be just as valuable as the good times...indeed, that's an unselfish act known as paying attention to the lessons in life... I look forward to mine... And I'll end this by mentioning that today, just before the new year forces it's way into existence, I received a super fantastic blessing in the mail... A beautiful book of poetry... A book of LIFE or better yet "light!" And I can hear my alter-ego saying to myself "get to the point, man!!!" (laughing) Well, this masterpiece is called CHOPS by Cherryl Floyd Miller. Whew.. It came to me right on time because along with that prayer that I'll say before the new year, I wanna be able to read this book in preparation of the new year and long after it stops being "new..." But anyway, this quote found me as I was reading a poem inside this book. The poem is called "To Swallow It." And the quote I will end with....

=====================================
This is written word flying
into opus,
time darting into cantabile,
genetic song.
=======================================

Peace.....
A __ (The Wind)
aka
V. Anthony Rivers III

Christmas Letter

Christmas Letter 

Mama ask me to write down three things that I wanted and then give it to her. She say she need it so she can send it to Santa Claus. I dont believe her about Santa. He never visit us before. I know because the last two years I sit up all night and wait for him. Mama dont know. I usually wait till she fall asleep and then I just sit, watch and listen.

Last year I remember how I sat near my bedroom door. I could see the living room from there. I figure that if I hide, Santa wont know I'm watching. He aint showed up, though. I kept my eyes open even as it get light outside. Mama get mad at me last Christmas day because I was falling asleep while she serve me breakfast that morning.

This year when mama ask me to write what I want, I say okay but she have to ask me more than once before I did it. I overheard mama saying to somebody outside that she didn't know how she was gonna get me anything because something happened to her at work. She said she worried about surviving because she might not get paid. I think she got hurt or something. She walk funny like it could be her back or her leg. When I heard her talking she kept saying "if it's God's will, something will come of this..." I dont know what she mean by that. I just felt really bad because it seemed like she worry so much about doing something for me. I dont want to be a burden to mama. I dont want her to not have the things she wants. That's why I couldn't write three things down for her... I wrote something else instead...

Dear Mama...

I dont believe Santa drop by our house this year just like he aint come last year. Maybe Santa dont like people like us and maybe he ain't a man that feel sorry for people who dont have a lot. Santa only show up to happy homes. He dont come to places like where we at. We dont have no chimney mama, we got bars on windows and trash in the street. Santa aint coming here. Mama I know about you being hurt and I know you have a hard time with me. I figure maybe I go somewhere else so you wont worry so much. I listen one night to this man on tv. He a preacher or something. He say that in heaven loved ones is always safe. You always want me to be safe. You tell me this everyday when you wish for a better place for us to stay. You always say daddy in a better place and then you say a prayer and smile. Maybe you do this for me too, mama. Say a prayer and smile... That's only two things, mama... That's all I want...

Creatively Me... 

Wendell's Juke Joint...

Wendell's J.J. 

Lightnin strike one Sunday evening after I come home from church. I believe it happen cause of a lie I done told. I wanted to keep a dark secret hidden from my kin and other members of the Missionary Baptist church that I go to. They praise me cause they seen me as a saved man. They sing out to the lord when I get to playing on the piano and leading the choir in song. They dont know I goes home where my guitar keep me company most nights. I plays it without amplification cause that just bring the devil quicker to my home if'n I do that. I just strums it hard so that I can hear what I'm doing. But then at night, especially on wednesdays and sometimes friday's, I goes to Wendell's Juke Joint and plays till I get tired. Sometimes that don't happen and I ends up playing till nobody left standing or if they is, they just propped up against the wall but they eyes is closed. Folks drink hard at Wendell's and I play even harder..

Wendell pay me okay. It ain't much money but that don't bother me none. I just love to play and besides, he give me a drink or two and that ease my nerves a little bit. Maybe that liquor I drink just kill them feelings I be having some nights. They the kind of feelings that have me slippin quietly into church come Sunday morning, worrying about who might know my secret. So far, nobody knows or at least nobody telling me they know.

Aint nothing like feeling the power of my guitar. Wendell got him some kind of amplifier that just be buzzing but once I plug into it, I makes the sound fill up the room. I strum my baby hard. I pound on it to keep the beat and tap my foot. I sing as loud as I can and sometimes when the mood is right, everybody join in and it be like one big band up in there. When that happens, I dont even have to sing that much cause folks be kickin up such a ruckus that they do the singing for me. It's sort of like being in church but at Wendell's, I know we aint really singing for the right reasons. I know cause I be lookin at them ladies in the juke joint a little different than the ones rejoicing in the name of God.

But like I say, the lightnin struck one Sunday evening. It come out of nowhere and it hit the tree standing next to my house as I was playing a little song on my guitar. I was singing about a friend of mine whose wife took ill and couldn't please him no more. He tell me so. I laugh while I'm singing it and laughing at something at the expense of somebody else only make the man upstairs give you your own set of problems. He give me something to worry about and deal with just to see how I'd handle myself. That tree catch fire and then my house begin to burn too. Ain't nothing I could really do except try and save whatever I thought I'd need. I ain't really had much so all I took was some clothes and my guitar. By the time the fire get put out, my house was still standing but everything inside was burnt. I had to stay with some kinfolk for a while and keep my guitar hidden. Months later, I went back home and seen that that tree grow right back to the way it was but my house ain't changed one bit... It was still standing but that's about all it was doing, just like me. Standing and waiting to see what this foundation gonna amount to...

Grandpa Had The Same Love...

The Leaders 

Grandpa used to tell me that there was nothing better than a man having horses to take care of cause each one will grow into something special with their own personality. I found that same sort of love over the years. Horses have a kind of calming affect on my spirit. I can almost relate to them as they stand strong and communicate through gestures and deep eye contact. In Cali I frequent the equestrian center but there's nothing more special than to see horses out in the country where they can enjoy their freedom.

During my most recent trip to Texas, I found this beautiful piece of land off of highway 259 between Mt. Pleasant and Daingerfield. The land had rolling hills and was surrounded by gorgeous pine trees. I pulled over to take a picture of this very scenic display that mother nature had going for her. I was putting my new digital camera to good use, snapping shots in all directions. I took the first picture, which showed the whole panoramic view and then the second shot was a close up of the wooded area where the pine trees stood so tall. As I was focusing for the third shot, I noticed a few horses appearing almost out of nowhere. They stopped when they'd seen me and just stood there, probably wondering what the heck is this person doing over here. Their curiosity only lasted for a quick moment because they went back to eating grass and didn't really worry about me. I kept walking through the beautiful dark green pasture. I took a couple pictures of the horses grazing. After a while, more of them appeared and that sort of blew my mind to see so many in one place. They all looked very healthy and strong. I couldn't imagine them to be anything less in such a beautiful place.

After I'd taken many pictures of the area and of the horses, I headed back toward the car. I was parked on the side of the road just outside the fence that surrounded what looked like over one hundred acres of land. When I reached the fence, I decided to just lean against it for a minute and watch. I was in no hurry to get anywhere. Once I did that, I noticed two horses approaching me. Funny thing, I thought to myself that these two must be the leaders of the pack because they looked older and they seemed daring enough to check me out up close. The others just kept eating grass and occasionally looking over at me as they chewed.

The two leaders approached with caution. They stood there perhaps waiting to see what I'd do so I took a couple pictures of them. They were beautiful horses. And then eventually the dark brown horse came close enough for me to reach out to him. Once it could sense the calmness of my spirit and the admiration I had for it, that horse showed me much love. It was as if he stood there trying to communicate with me. That horse let me know that he was the elder and the other horses were his family. The horse that stood behind him made me laugh because he would never keep any sort of eye contact with me but would always keep looking from side to side as if he were a nervous bodyguard. It was funny but even he calmed down after a while.

Soon after my little visit with those beautiful horses, my stomach started to growl from watching all of them chow down on some delicious grass. No, I didn't join them for that but I did drive into downtown Mt. Pleasant to pick up some hotlinks, crackers, and some peach cobbler; a special delicacy in east Texas.... Yum... Yum... It was a good day...(smile)

Familiar Trappings Of Yesterday

All 2 Familiar 



Damn, it's a trip how I can find so many that look like her. Her, meaning the one who tossed away my heart one early morning while I still had sleep in my eyes. Strangely enough, nothing in my eyes could keep me from making sacrifices to do for her, though she would later claim that nothing was ever done on my behalf or in other words "I ain't did shit for her!"

The memories left behind from so called doing nothing reverberate in that place within me which turns love to hate and admiration to retreat. I say retreat because like I said in the beginning, it's a trip how I find so many that look like her.

One weekend I spotted a smile pointed in my direction. The image was a little blurry because I was trying to maneuver through a busy westside parking lot in LA. Ralphs had customers pulling up nonstop which meant I needed to keep an eye out for folks backing up, kids running everywhere, and shopping carts mysteriously creeping along. One of them cars had that smile I was talking about. She waved and then when her hand moved out the way, I was able to get a glimpse of her face... "Damn!" I kept going...

Aurora looked lovely on stage and I hadn't been to this club in over a year. I know her name only now because after she shook her bootie and put on a lively show, she came around to thank all the fellas throwing tips her way. I was one of those fellas. Something about her had me thinking old times. Her body, her complexion, her hair, the way she walked and the way spoke softly in my ear when she hugged me.

"Damn..." I shook my head.

Aurora said to me "enjoy the show and I'm gonna come back to you a little later to see if you're ready for me..."

I nodded my head to acknowledge the possibility of something lovely about to happen between us but after she walked away and I'd seen her disappear into one of the back rooms, I was gone...

Yeah, I get a lot of similar smiles winking at me and in all seriousness, I only joke about it bothering me. If it's to be then it's to be... Hate dont last forever but love does, especially from a man who truly knows how to give it, non-boastfully and always sincerely... And maybe one day, God will give me the power again like he did on that special day with "her." I can't imagine that ever happening again, though. A perfect day for a proposal when God blessed me with the power to control time... and thus... I was able to make that day and especially that moment, perfect... I really struggle to see that happening again, though I guess it could. I'll just make it different and better!

Louisiana Spirit

Louisiana Spirit 

I had been traveling throughout Louisiana for pretty much one week, non-stop. Every mile that I drove had me amazed by the beauty and even mystery of this state. I'd gone from town to town, rather than the typical big cities that most immediately associate with Louisiana. I didn't go to New Orleans, Baton Rouge or Shreveport. I went to places like Natchitoches, Grand Cane, Opelousas, Alexandria, and a place called Thibodeaux where I found beauty and mystery all rolled up into this one woman that I'd seen coming out of a small church. She wasn't really dressed up. She was dressed casual but then again, this was a Saturday when I had seen her so maybe her visit to the church wasn't really a formal gathering but more of a personal thing.

I continued to watch her. I sort of wanted to take a picture but then again, I didn't want to offend her if she happened to spot me. She just seemed so at peace. The way she stepped down the stairs, exiting the church. She had a slight smile on her face, her hair was long and her cheekbones were high. She pulled her hair to the front as she walked so that it would lay against the front part of her shoulder. That's when she spotted me. Maybe she could hear me take a deep breath, which was about as loud as the thoughts traveling through my mind... I was high off of watching her; she was so fine.

"Bonjour 'elegant homme!" The woman said.

She laughed to herself as she walked in my direction. I didn't believe she would walk all the way over to me so I stepped somewhat in her direction too. Maybe we would meet each other halfway. I wasn't really sure. The lady tossed her hair in the wind and smiled.

She said "longue voie de la maison?"

I was like "huh? I'm sorry...I dont speak..."

"I know," she said. "I'm just teasing but actually I just said, hello handsome and that you're a long ways from home."

"Handsome, huh?"

"Oui...You've been called this before, no?"

"Yeah, but....um.."

In my mind I was twisting all my words while trying to figure out what to say. I didn't want to give this beautiful woman the wrong impression. Make her think that a brotha from California is some cocky dude trying to talk to her though actually, I would've been content with just watching her from a far.

"Are you enjoying yourself? I noticed your nice car over there. You're from California?" She asked with her beautiful accent.

"Yes, I am. I love it out here in Louisiana. I always come here though I've never been to Thibodeaux before."

The woman laughed and sort of covered her beautiful smile. It was as if she were trying to catch herself from laughing really hard.

"What?" I asked.

"It's just your pronounciation of Thibodeaux... It's okay... Sorry I didn't mean to laugh at you..."

The woman smiled and moved closer toward me. How could I possibly be offended by anything she'd say with a smile and face as captivating as hers. She extended her hand to introduce herself...

"Mon nom est Stephanie" She said.

"Nice to meet you..."

And then just as quickly as she'd introduced herself, she had to excuse herself. Someone in the distance called out to her. It was an older gentleman. Stephanie gave no hints as to who was calling her. She just smiled and shook my hand again.

"I'm sorry... Maybe we'll run into each other again since you come here often..."

"Maybe so, Stephanie...Take care..."

"Vous aussi..."

"Huh?"

"You too, Mr. Handsome... Bye..."

I turned to walk back to my car but before I opened the door, I took one last look in the direction where Stephanie and I stood. It was kind of strange because I could see her still standing there but she wasn't really there. It was like her spirit remained standing there, watching me. I got into my car and drove off with yet another memory to lean back on whenever I needed a reason to escape. And living where I do, there's always a need for escape...

Timothy...

Timothy 

Mama going away to Dallas. She says she need to so she can find work that pay her good. She say she send for me when she able to but I just shrug my shoulders cause she crying when she say it. I always remember how Grandma say that sometimes tears hide the truth and as much as mama was struggling to say what she say, I could tell she was just trying to make me feel good. I didn't cry. I'm a boy so I ain't supposed to cry though I did wipe my eyes later when no one was looking.

Mama took forever to get herself ready. She kept talking and going on about this and that. Telling me to mind Grandma and how to act in school. She say it's important that I get an education so I wont have no troubles later on. She say she want me to be a good man in this world and be able to walk proud because I've got an education.

"Always do your homework..." Mama say when she look at me.

That was about the only time she stopped packing and looking around to see what she forgot. She must've done that for hours and I sat there watching while trying to get used to the idea that I wouldn't be seeing her no more. It hurt me a little bit to watch though I didn't know at the time that that was what I was feeling. I mostly just felt confused.

After a while, some man pull up in his car and knock on the screen door. Mama scream out that she's coming and then the man just stand there on our porch. He didn't see me on the other side of our screen door but I just watched him. He lit a cigarette and stood there, blowing out his smoke. Mama was still grabbing things and stuffing clothes in boxes while the man stood outside waiting. He seemed comfortable until he finished smoking.

"Hey, we got to go! You know it's a long drive to Dallas!" The man yell through the screen door.

Mama say "I'm almost done, just let me do this one last thing..."

"How many bags you got in there? Why am I standing outside here, I been in your house before..."

The man pull at the door and look surprised that the screen was unlocked. Then he step inside and look even more surprised when he seen me. I'm kind of scared because this man look at me in a strange way. He dont even say hello. He just kind of nod his head and then walk further inside. He looking for mama but at first he dont say nothing, I guess because he seen me. I dont say nothing either. Mama walk into the room and seen how me and this man just looking at each other.

Mama say "Timothy this is Travis. Say hello..."

I dont say nothing but the man say my name and then he smile. He all dressed up in a suit and hat. It's a light brown suit with a fancy tie and a clean white shirt like what some men wear to church on Sundays.

Mama go back to what she was doing. She doing things so fast like this be her last opportunity to get what she needs. The way she look to me is like she ain't coming back and I feels it too. Then mama come back into the room where me and this man she call Travis is standing. She look at me and smile. She out of breath from so much running from room to room.

Mama say "did you speak to Travis, Timothy? Why you so quiet?"

I look at this man and then I look at mama. I ask her "is this man my daddy?"

Mama kind of laugh but she seem uncomfortable by what I say. She take me in another room where she can talk to me alone. She talk to me like she dont want that man to hear what she say. She hold me close and look into my eyes like she wants to make sure I understand what she gonna tell me.

"Timothy, Travis is someone... well, he's someone dear to me and I will be staying with him in Dallas. When I get there I'll call and give the number to Grandma. I'm just a phone call away, sweetheart."

"He not my daddy but you going away with him?"

"No, he's not your daddy. I have to go Timothy because like I said, I have to find better work. Ain't nothing out here for me..."

"I'm here mama and Grandma is here..."

"You'll understand when you're older but that's why I want you to do your best in school. It'll be okay. I have to go, okay?"

Mama stood up and walked away. I just stayed in that same spot and watched her and that man gather her things and go outside. The man was complaining about how much mama bring and she just kiss him and look all happy. Mama dont want me no more. That's what it feel like to me. I just stand there. The house feel colder cause mama take so much with her.

After they finish loading up the car, the man get inside and start the engine. Then mama walk up to the screen door but she dont come inside. She yell out to me like she just leaving for a little while.

Mama say "okay Timothy, I'm gonne now so you be good! Make sure you lock up the house real good when you go over to Grandma's, okay?"

I didn't say a word. I was confused and didn't know how I was supposed to feel. I just know I didn't feel right. Mama was leaving me behind and expecting me to find my own way to Grandma's house because that's where I would be living.

"Timothy?" Mama called out.

I peeked my head out to look at her. She was standing outside on the porch and had her head down as if she were listening out for me. I stayed quiet.

"Suit yourself, Timothy. I have to go so I'll call you later, okay! Bye..."

I heard the car door slam and then they drove off. I walked to the front door just to see if what I'd heard were true. Mama was gone and I was alone in a cold empty house. That's when I did what I wasn't supposed to do. I cried but I wiped my tears before they could be seen. I dont know why I wanted to hide them. Nobody was around. It was just me. I didn't go to grandma's right away like mama said. I just stayed inside the house. I sat on the living room floor and watched daylight turn to darkness. I was hungry but I didn't want to move away from looking out the screen door. I guess deep inside, I was hoping mama would come back. Like maybe she forgot something but wasn't nothing left that was worth taking, including me.

On The Bus...

Imagination blessing my mind all times... 

I was riding the bus the other day. I brought my journal, thinking I could capture some thoughts while traveling from one end of the city to the other. Actually, my flow was on point for most of the ride until I felt the presence of someone looking over my shoulder. I caught a glimpse of her from the corner of my eye. I saw her reflection in the window to my right. I froze up. I wasn't sure if I should turnaround. She seemed so close; almost as if she were smelling my hair. She was that close. I tried to keep my mind on what I was writing. My hand got a little nervous. It started to shake a little bit so I tried to play it off by acting like my thoughts were really too deep to write and think simultaneously. I needed to imagine it all the way through before I put pen to paper. Then a breeze lifted the scent of this lady behind me into the air, brushing it right past my nose. For a split second I had to close my eyes. I wanted to commit her scent to memory. It was sort of like smelling fresh flowers and the ocean at the same time. I memorized it and before I knew it, my mind had wandered and I could see myself and this young lady on a tropical island somewhere. She'd be coming towards me with her stretched out arms and smile just as wide. She'd say my name and make it no secret that deep inside those arms was my first taste of forever. Perhaps she'd make me feel like it was something I couldn't do without. Something that I wouldn't have to question and become cautious because of past situations. She already seemed like a better alternative than before and so much better than now. Or should I say, my real existence and not this unconsciousness that I find myself floating so deeply inside giving me a sensation similar to a wet Angela Bassett kiss or a slow grind against Sanaa Lathan's shapely behind. Oops! My mind getting away from me, I know... Ha Ha!

When I shook out of my daydream, the scent that I'd drfted away on was gone and the reflection in the window had disappeared. I looked around and new faces had surrounded me. The lady was gone and the blank stares just flatlined my imagination... But I still got me and I can still visualize somewhere beyond the wall that's become my comfort zone that love and consciousness can embrace each other like something I used to do on the regular when I had......somebody!

A visit with Zenobia

Zenobia 

Every once in a while characters come back to me and remind me that they still live within me. Still waiting to breathe on pages that others can see. Still waiting for the light to be shined on their journey, which in the case of this special woman is a very spiritual one. Zenobia lives, loves and breathes within the pages of my novel, "Until Again." I'd like to revisit her for a moment and share this with anyone watching... Check it out...

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Once I lost my balance, I surrendered completely. I surrendered to the pounding inside my heart. I gave in cause my legs couldn't move another inch. Not even the terror running through my soul could return me to my feet. I surrendered and then God come take me. I'se grateful cause I didn't have to feel the pain that come next. I didn't have to feel Rupert, ripping away at my clothes or the piercing of a blade, cutting away at my flesh.
Rupert was angry. He felt cheated. God come take me before Rupert have a chance to feel like a man. He ain't have a chance to see me fight and scream inside his arms, one last time. God cheat him from forcing my legs open and using his manhood to feel a sense of pride cause he overpower a colored woman.
I'se so grateful to God and then for a moment, I stands over my body and I cry. I think about my life. I seen my life from childhood till now, flash before my eyes. I smile cause I was a beautiful child and eventually, I became a strong woman. Not even Rupert who pound his fist into my lifeless body, over and over could remove the beauty of what I remember. He can't harm my soul. He can't touch my spirit. Nothing he do, pain me no more, not even inside my heart. Only thing I feels is pity for that man.
I watch as his anger turn to tears and his pride turn to shame. I feel sorry for him cause I know that once he walk away from my body, he only return to who he is. His hatred will remain. I know because God show me. He allow me to see what become of a life that hold on to anger and never forgive. Then he show me a life that hold on to love no matter how they forced to live. He take me from that dreary day where my lifeless body lay tortured in the woods. He lift me above the clouds and I feel free. The sunlight warm my soul. I couldn't stop myself from smiling if I tried.
Then I seen more clouds. They began to part right in front of me and I seen a woman, sitting in a room by herself with her head down. She look like she praying. Her skin so dark and wrinkled, especially around her hands. No matter, she still looked beautiful. She smile the closer I get and she become familiar to me. It's my sister, Eula Mae. She look up but I dont think she see me. She act like somebody in the room but ain't nobody there except her. I hears her start to speak. Eula's voice sound so dry like it pains her to get the words out but she did and I'se listen…

She say "Zenobia, are you there? I sho hopes you can hear me…Sis, I tries my best to take care of Atoya. She a beautiful young woman now. You be proud of what she become. She headstrong, yes she is. It's like she done take a little bit from both of us. You know. Like when we was young. Me so stubborn and you so beautiful and smart. She got all that in her. I believe she gonna be alright too. I pray she dont have to go through none of what we went through. I hurt bad since we separated, sis. I hurt bad cause I couldn't be around to protect you like I promise mama. I keep on hurt'n for a long time till I seen Atoya and listen as Neala read the letter you send me. I know then how strong you become and I dont worry as much.
I'se tired now, Zenobia. You might not recognize me no more. I'm old. I been through a lots. I can't hardly see nothing. They done everything they could to me to keep me from running away. Everything… There were times when I wished theys just kill me but I guess they figure I'se be in a better place if'n they did that. Is it better, Zenobia? I dont know why I feel you up there, somewhere but I just do. I feels it inside. All I can do is just pray you alright and live out the rest of my life till God say it's time. I'se tired and lonely but I'se happy cause my heart is full. Can't nobody take that away from me. If you there, Zenobia, I just want you to know that I loves you and I'm doing just fine. Yes, lord, Ima be just fine..."

After Eula stop talking, she disappear right before me. The room she sit in turn to dust and the sunlight blind my eyes. I want to feel sad. I want to cry but I can't. I feel warm. I feel like this freedom start my life all over again, somehow. I need to find what was taken from me while I was alive. I need to find Cudie before I can allow myself to truly rest. I know I'm at the mercy of God but next to him, the strongest kind of love I ever did receive, come from Cudie. Ain't a day go by that I don't remember his smile. Cudie go through a lot just to be with me. He suffer the worse kind of pain from all his beat'ns.

I remember one time when he come to me all excited and carrying some kind of sack in his hand. He tell me we gonna have us a picnic out in the fields. All he bring was some biscuits, one for him and one for me. I'se laugh at him but at the same time, I'se feel as though my heart grow fonder of that man.
Once me and Cudie get to the fields, he take the biscuits out of the sack and hand me one. Right away he bites into his biscuit, which didn't appear to be fresh at all. I was used to fresh bread in the morning, being that I stayed in the main house. Still, I just smiles at Cudie look'n so proud of himself like he done real good.

Cudie get to his knees and he say, "Zenobia, this ain't much but I'se want to do what make you happy. I'se walk forever if I have to, just to see you smile. It ain't much I spose…"
"It mean a lot to me Cudie…" I tells him before he convince himself that he ain't done enough for me.
I remember Cudie's excitement so well that day. I had a time just try'n to keep him from talk'n so much. Then I tells him to lie down, against me. He shy about it at first to the point where I had to pull him down. Cudie one of the strongest colored men around but when I touches him, his body go limp.

Cudie lay against me with his upper back, resting against my inner thighs. I wiped his forehead and he look up at me. He try to smile but I notice him grit his teeth like he in pain. I ask him if he okay and he tell me, he just fine but I know he ain't being truthful. I tells him to sit up and look at me.
"I'm fine, Zenobia. We's spose to enjoy ourselves. I ain't got much time before I need to head on back…" Cudie just kept going on and on cause he know I suspected something was truly wrong. I didn't say a word as he continued to defend the pain that I seen in his eyes. When you love someone, deep as I love Cudie, truth can't never hide lessen you made up your mind not to know someth'n.

I'se touch Cudie's arms and he look down. I run my fingers up to his shoulders. Cudie's eyes follow the movement of my touch until I stop beneath his chin. That's when he look deep into my eyes and he lean forward to kiss me softly on the lips. I remember feeling something just come over my entire body, not just on the outside but from deep within. Cudie bring me close and hold me tight and I wrap my arms around him, feeling like I never wanted to let go. That is, until I noticed Cudie's pain everytime I squeezed tighter. I touched his back and felt something strange beneath the shirt he wore. It didn't feel like a man's back was supposed to feel.
"Cudie?"
"Zenobia, don't, I be fine…"
Even though Cudie tried to warn me, I had to look. How could a woman not want to know what give her man so much pain? So, I force Cudie to turn around and then I pulls his shirt up. What I seen cause me to push him away though I didn't mean to. I looks again at all the deep wounds on his back. His flesh was just torn in places and his skin, no longer beautiful and dark. Cudie tell me that they pour salt in his wounds after they whip him under the sun. He try to make fun so as not to worry me so but my very soul wanted to die when I seen what they'd done to my precious man. Cudie got used to his whippings but for me, even though I'se no longer among the living, I never be used to so much suffer'n and so much pain. What I seen while I was alive make me never want to return amongst the living. Well, at least not till things get better. I'se pray to God that happen one day, for the sake of my daughter, I really do.

Zenobia

A year where admiration plays like sour notes...

As I rest my head on memories of this year that's about to say bye-bye, I find myself disappointed in ways I'd never imagine. That feeling isn't just a woman thang. I have found many a man who have no clue about being true to their word either, but that I can brush off very easily. Yeah, I hold women on a higher pedestal and though I know that no one is perfect, I do believe in certain words that come to my mind.

"One should never ask for what they are unwilling to give in return" and for me it's simple. It's all about effort and sincerity, which I find a lot of people lacking these days.

I often look to the heavens and ask "is there something written on me which says I'm easy?" Someone once told me I was "noble." That same person is on my sh*t list and I've got things to say to that person should we ever stand face to face again.

I've had enormous amounts of compliments from women calling me a gentleman, very kind, very sweet.... "Anthony, you deserve the best!" I'm at the point now where most women's words and compliments rarely reach the intended target. Deep inside I'm usually thinking, yeah, yeah, whatever... But I'll still smile and play the role of being grateful...

I thank God he continues to put folks in my life who balance out the disappointments but sadly, they are not the norm... The world could use more TPT's, CB's, MJ's and SG's. Women who can live today and not compromise the promises of yesterday. Women who dont worry about handing someone else a list of things they want but instead will work hard and sacrifice for not only the things they need but what others may need; most times doing that before they do for self...

I was reading something the other day that was sent to me by CB. This part of it makes me say, hmmm...
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The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and truth around you...the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of your life.
==================================

And my answer to this beautiful statement is "Yo! My balcony is getting full up in there!"

Back from my journey and ready for L.A.

Back in LA where life seems all so crazy again... Fancy lights, fancy ladies, pretty skies, and obnoxious drivers... It's a constant debate going on in my soul as I wonder how long I should remain here in this city. It's got it's ups and downs and I have no trouble finding good fun.... BUT... I'd like to have some good fun with meaning. To have a beautiful reason for all this madness like I used to have. You can't go wrong when your motivation is more than just about yourself or so I like to feel and believe. I'm stunned by so many who take for granted being able to come home to someone. Leave the world at the doorstep for a minute and just melt into the arms of the one you're trying to build forever with. I see it at work everyday... Fellas who speak nothing of their girlfriends or wives but talk nonstop about ladies walking by or ladies they want to "do" or "get with." After too much of it each day I become a hollow shell and the words just bounce off of me... I try not to take it too seriously but I still feel like if you have someone then that's the person you need to be celebrating. And if you're looking at others, do it because you're trying to compare them to her though there's no comparison because she (your special somebody) has your heart and soul.... I used to feel that way non-stop about somebody and she was the constant topic of my conversations, thoughts, and future dreams that I'd work towards. She's not any more. She removed herself from that position in my life in a cruel way with heartless words as things came to an end but I guess she had her reasons or motivations. In the end, that only uplifted me to become a better me and though I may carry a tadbit of the anger, I'm doing alright... And though I may be super cautious, life has treated me well... And most importantly, I still believe in L-O-V-E. I see possibilities that I may investigate... maybe. The major hurdle is believing L-O-V-E will find me in all it's celebrated glory rather than me continuing to celebrate it from a far with the hopes that others will wake up and realize... how good it is... I speak now (about LOVE) and forever hold peace in my soul. If I were to leave this earth today, I'd have no doubt that folks could resurrect me through memories; memories of the goodness of my heart...